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#354937 03/06/09 03:45 PM
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 355
Kelsey Offline OP
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I met this guy online last winter. I was a sophomore in highschool and he was a freshemen. We talked for months until last september we finally met by chance at one of our mutual friends church functions.

We started going places together, we met up at the school dance and he came out dinner with my friends and I afterward. We kept growing closer and would basically talk to eachother about everything.

It started getting weird when my friends started telling me how much he talked to them. I guess he would go to them when I didn't respond quickly enough to my texts, or asking them what was wrong with me even when i told him there was nothing wrong.

He would always say the sweetest things. Like he would die for me and protect me through everything. But it wasn't weird at all. it was reallyyy sweet.

he finally asked me out, and I had to say no. I'd never had a bf before, and I wasn't ready. He understood. He's really sweet like that.

So we kept talking and grew closer and closer and he kept talking to my friends about me all the time and went to ireland and brought back this really gorgeous celtic cross necklace that his mother helped him pick out (so cute, lol). I finally got up the courage to say yes when he asked me out again.

He was really really happy and said that God answered his prayers on January 18th (the day I said yes). I was happy that i made him so happy

But he kept texting me.. a LOT. if I didn't respond within half an hour he would text me again, and keep texting me. if I didn't talk to him for even one day he started freaking out to all of my friends and thinking that there was something seriously wrong with me.

I got sick for two days and I argued with him for 3 hours, telling him not to come over to my house. he did anyways.
then I had a gymnastics meet and I really didn't want him there because I get really nervous and i very clearly told him "I don't want you there". But he kept asking me where it was and what time and everything because "He won't go, he just wants to know where it is".
He got really angry when I wouldn't tell him.

I finally got really fed up. I got to a point where everything he did would bother me, and I couldn't take it anymore. I broke up with him last saturday night.

By sunday night, he was calling me and telling me that he really loves me and he always will and he doesn't understand why we broke up. He's telling my friends that its a "temporary break" and that we will be back together soon. He texts me just as much as before.

the most extreme thing is that he has always told me how he plans to go into the marines. Lately, and still after the breakup, he telling my friends that he is not going into the marines, he is going to move to Hawaii to be with me, because I plan on going to Hawaii'n Pacific University, and he can't stand to not be with me.

He still tells me that all he wants to do is hold me. When I hung out with him even before we were dating he always had his arms around me and stuff even though I told him that i get claustrophobic (sp). He would then get upset when I pulled away and couldn't/wouldn't understand why.

A lot of my friends have asked me if this is his first relationship. It isn't. He's been in a lot of other relationships (even though he tells me he's never felt this way before). But it is my first relationship, and this is really making me not want to try it again.

I don't know what to do. I really don't want to hurt him. He's so sweet. But I really can't take it anymore. I'm an extremely independent person. It's the way I always have been and it irritates people sometimes because I'm so independent. and now I'm being driven to the brink of insanity by him. Please help, i just don't know what to do.

Joined: Mar 2009
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Joined: Mar 2009
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I don't know. He sounds really needy. The fact that he ignores your feelings regarding spending time with him doesn't sound good to me.

Could you get your parents involved? Maybe if you tell them his attention is getting intrusive, they'd intervene for you.

And, you could always change your phone and tell your friends not give him the new #.

Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 355
Kelsey Offline OP
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Thank you.

I don't really want to shut him out. He was a good friend before I agreed to go out with him, and I would like him back as just a friend, even though sometimes that is a lot to ask of someone after a break up, and I understand that.

I've told my parents what has been going on. I talk to both of them about everything. But I don't think that there is much that they can do. I guess it doesn't make sense to repirmand him for caring too much. I just need him to understand that I only want him as a friend, and that I'm an extremely independent girl.

Thank you for your advice, and I'll keep it in mind in case I have to get more pro-active.

Joined: Mar 2009
Posts: 397
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I understand that you don't want to shut him out. I can tell that you're a kind girl.

This boy needs to give you the respect that true friendship deserves, and that means that when you say no, he accepts that and he isn't doing so well in that department. I think it is a good idea to keep your Mom and Dad informed in case he keeps hounding you.

It sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders and have a good self image. Good for you.

Joined: Dec 2004
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The thing is, when people fall in love they may become almost obsessive about the object of their love ~ which is fine, as long as it's not true obsession.

If both parties feel the same way, then it may work, but if one likes a bit of independence, then it's not going to work so well.

So, everything was ok while you were online friends and also after you met and spent time together & he was even ok about you saying no to dating him, but you soon became boyfriend & girlfriend, anyway, and enjoyed time together, chatted a lot, grew close ~ and all was well.

However, you found it strange that he asked your friends about you. You actually say 'It started getting weird ..'.
That word 'weird' indicates, to me, that you considered it more than him just being overly concerned when you didn't respond to texts quickly enough. You also say: 'he kept texting me.. a LOT'. This also indicates, to me, that you considered his behaviour excessive.

About those texts:
I must admit, I get concerned if my loved-ones don't respond to texts fairly quickly ~ eg if my sons are out, late at night, I will worry about them.
Do you think that you gave him anything to worry about? Maybe waiting half an hour, if he was worried, might cause him stress?? Did you actually tell him that you would not be continuing with the texting, so not to worry about you if he didn't hear from you?

Could it be that he misunderstood about text conversations? Did he realise that you didn't wanmt them to be so numerous and demanding?
Males and females have brains that are wired differently. Sometimes you really have to explain yourselves.

You say: 'if I didn't talk to him for even one day he started freaking out to all of my friends and thinking that there was something seriously wrong with me.' Is this because you didn't reply to a text and this caused him to worry that there might be a problem?

With regard to the conversations with friends, you were surprised at 'how much he talked to them'. Did he really discuss you excessively? Did they find this 'weird'? Were they mutual friends? Was he mainly just saying ghow great you were ~ as many young men in love might? When he was 'asking them what was wrong with' you, was there really nothing wrong, or had he picked up on something? What did your friends think and say?

So was his behaviour 'weird' or 'sweet'? You say both.

Did he think that you would be touched by his concern for you when you said not to visit while you were ill? Some girls would say not to visit, but would secretly hope that their boyfriend might visit, anyway. Maybe he thought that you were such a girl? Maybe his previous girlfriends were. Similarly with the gymnastics.

Since he believes that you were sent by God, maybe he thinks that God intends you to get back together.
Maybe he loves you so much he is prepared to forsake everything for you ~ including the marines. He did say that he would die to protect you. Was he being loving, or over-dramatic, when he said that this?

He want to hold you ~ you feel claustropnobic
He's sweet ~ you're independent
You don't want to hurt him ~ but you can't take it anymore

It could be that this boy is simply besotted with you ~ young love, which should pass, but which will cause him pain for a while.
It could be more that he is obsessed with you ~ not healthy, so it's good that your parents know what is going on, in case his behaviour becomes irrational. If he really is 'sweet' this shouldn't be a problem.

It sounds like you two are simply not right for each other ~ even though he thinks you are.
He may be the clingy lovey-dovey type, while you are more down-to-earth and independent. Time will sort it out.

I'm guessing that communication hasn't been too clear between you. He was over-communicating, and maybe you were not making your feelings completely clear to him ~ because male & female brains don't work the same ~ or he simply wasn't hearing and / or acknowledging what you are saying.

As for finding a good relationship, I too was the independent type, too. However, I found my Mr Right and we have been together for 34 years. I don't think that I copuld live with anyone else for more than a week ~ but our marriage is very happy. You will find the right person, but it isn't him and, while you will need to be kind, you will also need to make this crystal clear to him.

Good luck. smile



"The secret of success is constancy to purpose" - Benjamin Disraeli.

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