RomanceClass.com Forums Romance Does He/She Like Me? Relationship or sinking ship on the horizon?

I don't have a lot of time to write this at the moment, so I'll be as brief and to the point as possible.

Basics:
1. I met a woman who I now have very strong feelings towards.
2. she suggested we become pen pals for when we're away from college, and meeting over the summer was impossible because of summer jobs, etc.
3. we have been pen pals for over half a year now
4. when school started up again, we went to her favorite restaurant...her suggestion. She didn't eat anything because she wasn't feeling well, but went anyways.
5. we have talked over the phone for up to 1 1/2 hours, with 1 hour being the average...about once a week for the summer.
6. she is currently studying abroad (half a year)
7. she is still sending me a letter or two a semester while abroad.
8. I said I would take her back to her restaurant when she comes back, my treat, among the usual contents, where she asks all about me, and shares a lot of background information about herself and her family (no reply back yet, though that letter was sent very recently...a reply won't come back for a while, understandably)

problems:
1. does she seem to like me? Or am I misinterpreting these signs wrong?
2. I get very jealous/paranoid when I see photos of her with ANY guys. However, I'm not a violent person, and as with all situations, I usually just let these thoughts eat me alive. I'd rather see her happy than sad, and would completely commit myself to her towards that cause if I entered a relationship with her, among other "ideals" I strongly believe in. Two timing equals a conflict in my belief system, and would never attempt that.
3. should I be worried/concerned if there are multiple photos of a single guy with her (not doing anything, but are sitting next to one another...no arm around the neck though, hugging, etc. but too close for my mental comfort)
4. We have not had any physical contact (hand holding, or even shoulder tapping)...I'm very hands off with women until I get comfortable with their physical presence...being a pen pal and talking on the phone are different forms of communicating after all.
5. I have no problem talking to people in person(not over phone or mail) when I think of them as friends regardless of gender, but once I think of someone in the relationship mindset my mind locks up and my ability to maintain a fluid, intelligent conversation dies off to a "how's the weather" type of dialog. This happened in "basics #4" unfortunately.


Solutions(potential) to problems: please reply.
Any hints, ideas, or possibly ways to ask her what may be going on inside her mind when she thinks of me would be helpful. Should I be direct "are you interested in anything beyond a friendship?" or something more subtle? The last thing I want to be seen as is a stalker, though I am worried about another running failure in relationships.

Please feel free to provide any tips, advice, etc.
Thanks

From the way you structure your post, you seem to be a guy that doesn't really like surprizes and preferres structure and planning. Not all things are able to be cut and dried and clear in advance, especially when it comes to romance. I feel from your statements that you not only don't want a failed romance, but that perhaps you have missread signs before or perhaps were hurt in a romance.
My advice would be to enjoy the friendship because it seems to be one that has a good foundation. She seems to be comfortable sharing information about other male friends. Although you center on the male friend in your post, I am sure she has shared information about all her friends. You can step up the conversation by indicating that you miss her which would be putting a "toe" in the water, so to speak. Listen carefully to her responses. She is not stupid and can tell if your written words are more than friendship. I would not do much more than that however until she comes back home.

When she is home, you have a first hand opportunity, face to face to incorporate body gestures, eye contact, facial expressions and responses to your overtures into your impression.

If you want to know how she feel, you will have to overcome your shyness and make some kind of overture, whether it is an arm around her or another appropriate action at the right moment.

If she moves away from the arm around her and does not tolerate it then you may ask did I make you uncomfortable? Her response may not tell all. She may avoid contact for many reasons unrelated to your presence. Previous violence such as rape for instance. Perhaps she is comfortable taking it slow also, untill she knows you thoroughly.

If she tolerates the arm and perhaps hand holding as appropriate, then moving on to an attempted kiss communicates "exactly how you feel". You will know if this is the next step. A woman usually leaves a man an opening if she wants it. Standing close at the end of a date, is one. Sitting within range in a quiet moment is another.

If you do not have experience at these situations, there are many resources not to mention this forum, to give you some friendly advice.

Unfortunately the moment of truth, must come and if she turns your kiss away, you need to be honest and apoligize and tell her that you value her friendship but must have "missread" the situation. It is appropriate to ask if you made her uncomfortable so that she has the opportunity to clarify your relationship "once and for all". She will probably not throw your friendship away if you are accepting of "just" a friendship. If she leaves the door open to more but is just not ready for personal reasons then she has morals and is probably just as careful as you are. I would think that would be worth waiting for. The decision is yours to make, but yes honesty and face to face and making overtures to take it to the next level would be my advice.

One thing I should have clarified is that she doesn't share anything about guys she hangs out with, and probably doesn't know that I know anything about the guys she hangs out with. That stuff I found out via myspace snooping. Like I said, I'm a little paranoid when it comes to her hanging out with other guys.

That said, you are correct on the bit about structure. I don't mind surprises with most things, but the uncertainty when it comes to how she views me is tearing me apart. If only it was as simple as asking her upfront. Regardless, writing a letter including the "I miss you" statement and analyzing her response was an idea another friend brought up to me, and that is in fact in the letter I sent and am now waiting for a response.

Thank you for the advice. If you have any more, I'm more than welcome to listen/read it.

Welcome 'Less confusion '

I think that this situation could be read in a couple of ways, so I can understand your confusion.

It is perfectly possible for a girl to really like a boy, and to enoy conversations with him, and even to write to him, without having any romantic feelings towards him.

On the other hand, if a girl likes a boy, but is a bit shy about telling him, then he might write to him, chat to him, spend time with him and hope / assume that he will get the message, and realise that she is romantically drawn to him.

But you are not a mind-reader, and you don't want to embarrass yourself, or her, by assuming that she is attracted to you, if she isn't.

You cannot be sure how she feels.

But look at it from her point of view. She doesn't know how you feel, either. How could she know whether you are attracted to her, or just enjoy being her penfriend?

I agree with Jo, that when you meet up again, you may be able to pick up on body language and other gestures ~ smiles, looks, touches, etc ~ and that, perhaps then, you could also give some indication about how you feel.

By the way, if you look into the eyes of a girl, and her pupils dilate at the sight of you, you will know that she really likes you!

Good luck!

Personally, I think this woman does like you, but maybe not in anything other than a platonic friendship.

I encourage you to keep talking to her, I could be wrong about a platonic relationship after all.

It can be very difficult when someone is very far away, therefore any relationship may be difficult to obtain and even harder to manage.

I also agree with Jo and PDM. Next time you see her, watch her movements. Especially her eyes. A woman's eyes will definitely dilate when they are attracted to you.

Also watch for hair twirling, her brushing up against you, her wanting to touch you, also her saying things like

"you're so "___" where "___" can be (funny, cute, etc...)

Good luck, hope everything goes well.

Thanks for the advice PDM and SDG. I hope it works out as well (obviously). I can't say I'm too interested in platonic relationships with women. Besides, it's hard if not seemingly impossible for most people(to my knowledge) to maintain an extended friendship with the opposite gender because attraction usually kicks in and ruins it somehow, especially if one of them used to be attracted to the other at one point.

There is one woman who I also like and tends to say the "you're so funny" a lot, though she's already in a relationship. Just my luck. Just out of curiosity, does that type of dialog usually have the same meaning regardless of relationship status, or is it to be understood as a statement with no underlying message? I've been assuming that there is nothing besides a friendship between us, but then again I know I'm rather dense with these things.

It might be a while until I can reply again, my internet connection has been choppy lately. If there aren't anymore replies, then thank you for the help, and I'll definitely keep those tips in mind, especially the eye dilation.

When observing the opposite sex you have to take statements into consideration as well as body language. It is possible for someone to enjoy you as a person and think you are funny or have some other personality trait that they like as a friend and not romantically. You should take every thing into consideration, not just one isolated item. I would get a few good books on the subject if I were you. "men are from mars, women are from Venus" is a good one.

I am an old man of 65, so you may feel free to disregard what I have to say.

I have been interested in romance all my life. And I have gone through the grade school stuff (notes back and forth, and friends bringing messages) to "going steady" in high school, through flirting and dating in college to outrageously romancing as a sailor in the Navy.

Sounds silly to say so, but I've even "enjoyed" silently admiring a long-haired beautiful country singer, looking sad (without her), and inviting her to my table for a drink (and succeeding, by the way).

I quite agree that women do give signals that you may (I stress, may) be able to interpret.

Nowadays, females are more inclined to not wait for the male to initiate the dialogue. They may initiate the signals.

But whether the female does not not, it is my considered opinion that "shyness" or fear of "embarrassment" or fear of "failure" are not nearly as important as the benefits of being with someone you care for and enjoy.

I would recommend - perhaps at the restaurant, telling her that while your conversations and letters with her have been very important to you, and you value your friendship, you realize that you care for her. Ask her if that bothers her.

She may let you down, but I doubt she will laugh at you. She may indicate she only wants friendship.

But, I'd say it will be easier (on your feelings) than trying to measure her pupils.

Or, if you are not a good talker (when together), take her hand, lean across and kiss her lightly. I'd say you'll get some kind of response.

If you go with the last paragraph, take a rosebud with greenery and baby's breath, to give her as you're seated.

Believe me, she'll know you are initiating a romantic dialogue.