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(Sorry for such a long post) I have been dating this girl for about 8 months now. I broke up with her after about two months because I had never been in a serious relationship before and I guess got cold feet of commitment. I basically came running back to her and it took me about 1 month to win her back in my life. Everything was going well and our relationship was really growing strong at this point. Where the problems start to occur…I lost my job about 4 months ago and have been on interview after interview trying to get something else. I have a history of depression and anxiety which have come out of the closet due to all the stress of barely be able to get by financially. With all the headache unfortunately I was not the happy-go-lucky guy anymore. My girlfriend and I started fighting all the time which made the relationship hard. We were constantly on again off again with the fighting. She is very unstable emotionally and a very high maintenance person. Anyways, one day we both agreed that we would be better off without each other because our relationship was so difficult (this decision was made when we were both super frustrated with each other). On a side note, she was in a 6 year relationship before me and I have always wondered if I was a person to feel her void since her ex left her. After we broke up I came running back to her again and confessed my undying love. She told me that she just needed space right now. I asked her what that meant and she told me to not be in a relationship. I asked her if that was a “kiss of death” statement meaning that she did not want to hurt my feelings and really didn’t want to be with me….and she said no that she did not mean it that way. Anyway, she said she wanted to be friends…so about 2-3 weeks after we broke up we hung out went to dinner a few times and talked/emailed everyday. Everything was going well I guess and then I saw where she had emailed a few guys who she had past relationship with wanting to hang out with them. I had been such an emotional train wreck since our break up and started to obsess with the fact of who she was with that I personally couldn’t take it anymore. So I told her out of the blue to not contact me anymore unless she wants to be in a relationship with me again and that it was too hard for me to be friends with her (in a very loving caring way). About 1 week as gone by and I still have not heard anything. I guess what I need advice on is what I should do about the situation? She says she still loves me and that one day can see herself with me again. Should I fight for her or move on. Would it be good for me to let her miss me or is that a bad game to play? What does the space thing really mean?....because after she said that we were still hanging out like we were when we were together. I’m afraid that I might lose her for good if I continue this no contact thing. She is the girl I want to spend the rest of my life and I’m willing to do anything and everything to make our relationship work.

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That's tough. I almost wonder if she is waiting for you to try and contact her to see if you really care. It might not be that at all because it also sounds like she just really wants space right now. It may mean she has to start seeing other guys, just to see what she wants in a relationship. If you think that you can be friends with her (even though it will be one of the hardest things to do) maybe that is the best route for now. It will give you the chance to be close to her emotionally and prove to her that if you were to get into a relationship again, it wont be all bad and fighting. My thought is that maybe she wants space from the stress of the relationship the two of you had. If was as stressful as you say, then that is a good possibility. Maybe you need space too, maybe you should go out with some other people, not seriously, but just go on dates with. It may make you feel a little better, and help you to see a little clearer as to what you want to do.

What I say, I know, sounds ridiculous. My current boyfriend have gone through similar situations though. Over the summer we broke up for quite some time because I was going to be leaving for Spain and not come home until Christmas, and then leave again after the New Year. I told him I needed space. (right). So we were officially not together, but we hung out everyday like we did when we were together, and overall, nobody could have told the difference. So basically we never broke up. we got back together before I left, and then I came home WAY early because I got too homesick. He got frustrated with me while I was gone because of how stressed I was, and he thought i was taking it out on him intentionally. I didn't mean to, but I felt so hopeless and he was the only one to talk to about it. So he broke up with me before I even came home. Since I have been home things have not been easy, but we both wont give up because we both want to be together in the end.

So the point of that stupid story is this: perhaps you need to be honest with her and yourself. Re-evaluate everything. Not just because this is your first serious relationship. It seems now that the only possible thing good for you is her, but think about everything. Maybe it is, maybe it isn't. Maybe you could move on and find someone else. I know that even the thought of that causes a thought of sheer terror. (been there, done that). So, my meaning, try and have an honest talk with her, without making her feel like you are pushing your wants on her. Talk to her about how you feel without being pushy, and ask her how she feels. Be understanding, and if you are not what she wants right now, you need to know when to let go. Open, honest conversations have always helped my boyfriend and I fix things because we can be honest with eachother. It might help, but also be prepared to hear something you may not want to.

Hopefully something I said might help you. Good luck.

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Hi again Rumpkinroo smile

I'll have a think before posting a reply, but just so that you know that you are not the only person going through similar problems, have a look at this thread:

'confusion'
http://www.wineintro.com/forum/ubbthread...0373#Post340373

And, just for reference, I will give your previous thread details:
http://www.wineintro.com/forum/ubbthread...0287#Post310287

Last edited by PDM; 12/12/08 09:03 AM. Reason: typos

"The secret of success is constancy to purpose" - Benjamin Disraeli.
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It sounds to me as if she just wants to take the pressure off the relationship for a while and see what happens.

As Birdygirl said, it sounds as if it was getting over-stressful for both of you.

When you just hang out together, as friends, you can relax and enjoy each other's company, without expectations.
Would you agree?

If you are suffering with anxiety and / or depression, it could be as well for you to get some help ~ counselling perhaps.
What do you think?

Good luck! smile


"The secret of success is constancy to purpose" - Benjamin Disraeli.
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It's kind of hard for outsiders to get a good feel of your relationship, and whether it is good for the both of you, or for either of you. Add to that our own past experiences, and we may be counseling you based on what we've experienced.

Nevertheless, from the impressions I have, I don't think either of your are ready for commitment yet. You have had financial, emotional, and psychological problems to deal with. And she has a past relationship.

You - like all of us - want to have someone to care for you. Nothing wrong with that. And she does, also. But trying to force a relationship can actually ruin a good friendship.

I wonder if her not contacting you after you said to not contact you if she wasn't ready for a relationship, is your answer.

I think you need to work on you and getting a stable life going. IMO, you need to be able to love yourself first before you can love someone else in a healthy way.

If she does contact you, I think both of you should just try to be friends. And if you cannot do that, then perhaps you should be the one to decide to wait until later.

Sorry if this isn't the answer that you want.

I had to back away from an on-again off-again relationship that was good in the friendship way, but stressful in the romantic way. And it hurt. And I was lonely.

But I got better. And later I was ready to meet the love of my life!


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I agree with PDM about the counseling. It probably isn't what you want to hear. When we have anxiety and stress, resolution of problems can't come too fast. Somehow, having someone to love and have that relationship to turn to grounds us and becomes the one place in our lives where we can turn for happiness. Unfortunately, if things are still unsettled in other parts of our lives, it taints the love life with stress over bills and financial problems. It sounds like you have been bouncing from one stressful situation to another for a long time. It must be next to impossible to devote enough concentration on the stability of your occupation and the other problems long enough to find direction and solve them. I think, until you are happy in that realm that you will keep bringing baggage to the relationship.

You were the first to recognize the toll it was taking. The two of you cleared the air and separated long enough to decompress and when you did you got along better.

You were doing great until you gave her an ultimatum. I don't believe it was sincere either. It sounds like you wanted her to boost your ego and give you what you really wanted which was "a committment". It backfired on you because it was emotional blackmail. The only time that works is when things have been going well and you don't have a history of stress and turmoil

You have said that she is emotionally unstable and very high matenance. I realize that you feel that she is the "one and only girl for you" but it could also be that you are obsessing a little on her and the relationship because of the stress you have been under.

It would be far better to give yourself time and space to decompress so that you can see the relationship in perpective.

You are trying to get your life together, that should come before you try to share it with someone else.

In any case, honesty, truth, sincereity and consistancy are the cornerstone of any good friendship and romance. You have to have both to be successful. Good luck



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Thanks for all the replies. Your advice and words have really helped me and gives me a sense of support that makes me feel better. I have been getting help with the issues I struggle with. I have gotten on medicine and meeting with counselors through this hard time in my life.

"joandboys"...i just wanted to clear up the ultimatum as you put it. Though it does come across that way and I guess is in a way with how I dealt with the situation. I did it because the thing I struggle with the most is OCD (with my thoughts)....it was too hard for me to be friend and was more of a way I guess to make it easier for myself. The medicine has made a night and day difference and I'm very thankful for that.

As far as my current situation. I didn't talk to my ex for about 2 weeks until she emailed me. When I heard from her I responded back to her soon after and started talking to her on the phone. I have never heard her so ..... and angry/frustrated. We went to dinner one night and everything went fine. She told me to stay in touch and call her. So I did just that and the second day when she picked up she was ..... again. Saying that she doesn't know why I'm calling and wanting to be friends. She said that she doesn't want to lead me on and doesn't see the point of being friends. Well that hit me hard so my roommate convinced me to talk to her again and get a yes or no for her and ask "do you want me part of your life and see yourself with me down the road"...this way I would have sometime and act on it. I didn't know if it was the right thing to do or if I should give her more time and keep trying. So I called her and told her how I feel about her and asked her the question. Not only did she say no and that she wanted to move on and wasn't in love with me anymore...but she said it with almost anger and like I was annoying her.

It's just hard on me because here I am totally in love with someone that I would marry and spend the rest of my life doing whatever it takes to make our relationship work. Not only did I give her my whole heart but I truly believed her when she told me that she loved me and wanted to be with me forever. What bothers my now is that there are so many questions unanswered that doesn't make sence. Like when did she stop loving me and why. I never did an unforgivable act to make her stop loving me. I hurt so bad and know that time will heal that I deserve someone to appreciate my love...but I still want her. I don't want to love her anymore but can't help it. I'm finally moving on because I have no other choice. She is so frustrated, angry almost at our relationship...I can't have a conversation with her anymore with it not getting heated on her part. She is the one that is so angry and doesn't seem like the same girl I fell in love with. Why would she have agreed to go to dinner with me after I tell her that I still love and miss her....then tell me that she doesn't even want to be friends/hang out. I guess I finally know the worst and rock bottom of heartbreak. It's the hardest thing I have ever gone through and can only go up from here! The end I guess....again I appreciate your words and support.

Last edited by PDM; 12/12/08 09:06 AM.
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That is very tough. I'm sorry things went that way =[.

I know what it is like to ask yourself the question "when did the loving stop?". My current boyfriend told me that when i was in spain he fell out of love for me. Our situation has since then been worked out. It is a bad question to have to ask yourself, and with the way she is treating you, don't.

I know you love her, but I have loved and lost, and then just met someone i love even more. Now it feels impossible, but in time, you will meet some girl, and you will love her like never before. It is possible. And you will feel more alive than ever before =D. It's magical, don't dwell on your loss, clearly you wanted something she didn't. Now is time to begin to let go. =D if you need to talk you can always PM me. I'm again, very sorry to hear this.

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I understand a little about OCD since I have suffered from it most of my life. It is much better now than when I was younger. I only say this because it helps me understand why and how I handled some of the life situations that happened in my life. When I was going through very stressful times and was arguing with my ex husband or when I was breaking up with someone I loved I had a very difficult time handling some aspects. I would dwell on the details and go over and over things in my mind and wanted to understand where things went wrong. It is all part of needing to have things in neat little boxes. Of course I wanted to not loose the love of the person, but I also needed to understand what went wrong. I used to drive my ex nuts because I would discuss every little aspect of an argument. I would analyze the points over and over because I wanted us to be perfect and get along. All he wanted to do was go to sleep and have some peace and quiet. I felt like he was being unfeeling and that made me want to work out our difference even more. The truth is, sometimes people just aren't going to see things the way you do. People with OCD want to just keep talking and trying to make it better.

I know you love her, but it doesn't sound like she is feeling the same way you are now. You need to let go of whether or not she felt that way before. She is not giving you an explanation and she is not giving you closure. That is very selfish of her because it is very important for OCD persons to know why something went wrong so they can go on and accept it. She is thinking only of herself and isn't taking the time to help you move on. You can't do anything about that. You can't make her be compasionate. It hurts you and disallusions you because it makes you not trust reality. It makes you wonder how she could tell you she loves you, and then be so callous and unfeeling and not help you at least understand. It makes you wonder how can she not have a little compassion and help you move on.

I am going to try to give you that explanation so you can move on. I think that your girlfriend did "think" she cared for you. Now things have changed in her mind and she feels like she doesn't love you.

The truth, "I think" is that she thought she loved you but I don't think she really knows what true love is. So, don't be hurt and wonder why she could stop loving you. You didn't do anything. She just hasn't lived long enough to know what true love is. I also don't think she has ever really been hurt. If she had, she would have learned a little compassion. Someday, she will have her heart broken and she will probably look back and wish she could have been more gentle when she broke up with you. She may even apologize to you.

For now, you have to realize that your head and how you anayze things makes it seem like you will never feel better again. The truth is, you will. It will take time. It will hurt for a long time. But you are a good person who fell in love with a very immature woman who was not really "in" love with you. She thought she was, and she didn't lie to you but she was mistaken. You didn't know it at the time. How could you, you believed what she said and so did she. So see, how can you be broken hearted when it was just a mistake on her part. You are still a very good person, the same person, she thought she loved. Unfortunately, she is talking to you with anger, but this is the way some people who are very immature and young deal with emotions. They become so uncomfortable that it displays itself as anger.

You are worthy of so much more. You will meet someone more mature some day who has been knocked around a little themselves and you will be the recipient of compassion. People who know what it is like to love and loose, know what love "really" is. You just have to hang in there and get further down the road with your health and be gentle with yourself. You take things harder and feel thing more and unfortunately get a little obscessed with people when you care about them. That makes going through times like a break up really much harder.

Take it from someone who has been where you are. It will get better. You need to get your mind off of her and look to yourself for the answers. Hang out with your friends. I am sure that there is someone you have not noticed, that would love to take her place. In no time at all your heart will feel better, no matter how much you think it is breaking right now.



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Some people hate to say negative things.

I have had various parties over the years ~ for birthdays, Christenings, etc, etc, ~ and I am always surprised at the number of people who do not intend to come, but simply will not respond, or say that they are coming, but don't turn up.
It's annoying, because money has to be spent on meals for no-one and, where numbers are limited, it means that others cannot be invited.

This may seem irrelevant, but, after reading about the number of people on here, whose partners have said that they still care, but are unsure, and just want to be friends for a while, only to end the relationship completely, I have come to the conclusion that these are the same kinds of people. They just cannot say what they mean. They cannot bring themselves to say something 'negative', but what they do do, instead, is far more negative and unpleasant that the truth, in my opinion.

It's not fair of her to be angry with you for not understanding.

If you read some of the other threads, you will see that you are not alone.

Time will heal your pain and you will find someone who will honestly want to share your love and your life, long-term. Then you will be grateful to this girl who has let you down.

Good luck smile


"The secret of success is constancy to purpose" - Benjamin Disraeli.
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