RomanceClass.com Forums Romance Breaking Up Got dumped by LOVE of MYLIFE, Please Help me

I was dumped by my girlfriend after three and a half years. Two days later she slept with another guy.

When we started dating, she found text messages from my ex and emails. They were old but her point was that I shouldn't have kept talking to her. She claimed I cheated by texting...weather if that's true I can say I did it when she told me not to...so hanging over our head has been her claiming she can't trust me, yet we were happy. I did everything for her, supported her in every way. For the past couple of months things couldn't have gotten better. We talked about getting out own place, marrying...suddenly one night we were watching TV she asked if I still talked to my ex- I replied "where is that coming from" she said that she has been feelng like something is going on and she's usually right about that...she demanded to see my EMAILS and PHONE. I didn't show it to her. I argued because I've done this many times in the past and yet a week, a month and it's still the same. I love her very much. She claimed she loves/loved me. Now that night she said if i walked out, it's over. I did...but trying to prove a point...this was thursday...friday she went out with friends, sunday with a guy and she slept with him. She told me that she was upset and it just happened. She told me I shouldn't be upset because we were broken up when it happened. I am devastated. I think partly because all our years together took only two days for her to stray...Is this really what she said it is. She wants a break because she claims she needed to be single and she hates that I was the only one she depended on. She said that she needs something different because knowing her she would come right back to me. She also said if she came back she knows that I would use what she did against her. Tell me how can she want a break to be single and dating already??? where's the healing time? she told me that she has feelings for me and that she wants to be friends but I'm devastated because she meant the world to me. She told me everyday how much she loved me, how lucky she was to have me in her life...yet this. She claimed that she just couldn't trust me after what she found three years ago and that night when she asked me to show the email/cellphone...it was clear. She said she can't keep investing her feelings and getting hurt...what should I do, i want to give her space and I truly wish her happiness...but I know we were happy...i'm running into walls trying to figure this...it's only been a week and I'm in hell...i've even isolated myself making her the only person...stepped back from friendships because she was so jealous...NOW THIS>>>HELP ANY ADVICE...is there a PILL for this???
She really is my best friend, as she claims I am hers, even now after all this. I'm willing to put this behind us and move on...any insight into her actions? Is it really what she claims...?

Welcome ALLi



I think that part of your answer may lie here.

You thought that you were happy, but you had something 'hanging over' you ~ and that doesn't allow for complete happiness.

You say that the messages to your ex were old ones, but how old?
How long were you secretly contacting her, after starting a relationship with 'the love of your life'?
If this girl is 'the love of your life', why did you feel the need to secretly contact you ex?

Because of this secret, she feels that she cannot trust you.
That is why she keeps questioning you, because she doesn't know if she can trust you to tell her the truth.
When you kept contacting the other girl you were somehow breaking this girl's trust.

I'm not saying that you don't have the right to friends ~ even female friends ~ but when one's boyfriend is having a secret text relationship with an ex-girlfriend, against her explicit wishes, this is going to upset her greatly.

Why do you think she had the feeling that something was going on?
Have you done anything, recently, to deserve this reaction?
Are you still in touch with the other girl?
Have you been completely truthful about her?
Have you reassured this girl about your feelings for your ex and for her?

Why did you walk out when she said that your relationship would be over if you did?
You said it was to prove a point. What point?
Did you prove a point?
Was it that you are fed up with being questioned over your ex?
If so, do you feel that you have answered her fully about this, and reassured her completely?

If you have explained and reassured, then she may not believe you, or she may not be certain that she can believe you, or maybe she was just looking for any excuse to break away and have some freedom. The talk of marriage may have scared her.

Why might thoughts of marriage frighten her and make her feel trapped?
Could it be that she may feel that you are too young?

There may be a number of inter-related reasons why she behaved as she did, sleeping with the other man.

It might have been on the rebound, or to repay you for breaking her trust, or because she started to feel trapped by the idea of marriage & wanted to break the bonds for a while.

If you love her so much, and she claims to love you, there may yet be hope.

Can you forgive each other for whatever it was that caused this crisis?
You say that you are willing to put all this behind you, but, apparently, she thinks that you would use what she did against her.
What is the real truth?

You may need help from a relationship counsellor to sort things out, learn from your mistakes, forgive and start afresh.

Good luck!

Well it's been two weeks now and i've had a few conversations with her. To date I haven't seen her but i would get a phone call now and then. We usually talk for over an hour at a time.

She claims that whether she was right or wrong doesn't matter now...the fact that she felt I took her for granted walking out, acted suspicious when wouldn't show my email and phone...I have been trying to explain that there wasn't anything but she claims that she hated feeling like i was unfaithful to her.

The text she found three and a half years ago was about 2 weeks old. We got past that but she claims she still gets upset thinking about it.

One of the things that have me confused now is that she claims she wants me in her life but as a friend. She asked for a break because she wants space but she is now seeing the guy she slept with two days after our fight. Also, she claims that he wasn't comfortable with her talking to me or seeing me as a friends yet she calls and we would talk for hours. Most of the time laughing being our usual selves...She said she wanted me to start dating because the future doesn't look good for us...BUT SHE WANTS US TO BE HONEST WITH EACH OTHER ABOUT IT. So i told her about a date I went on she got upset...she said i blame her for dating someone one day after we broke up, and sleeping with him after two days but yet here I am going on a date so soon...THIS IS JUST crazy...is she testing me or just trying to have me linger by just in case her sampling doesn't work out? Why talk to me when this "guy" disapproves. Is she afraid that she might hurt my feelings if she doesn't talk to me? Or by having me around constantly telling her how i feel reassures her in her doings as being right? Why the constant reminder about her "busy time with her friend" e.g. one day she called me up to tell me she is busy because she's over at his house doing laundry...Is she just trying to make me jealous or is she starting to play me...

What signs should i look for if she's fooling me about her feelings for me? How can I tell if there's a chance for us again?

Coincidentally, someone else on the forum is having somewhat similar problems.

I really do not understand the situation, but I can hazard a guess.

Maybe this girl simply realised that she was no longer in love with you, but knew that she still cared for you and still remembered the good times.

This might explain why she has moved on to a new romantic partner, but still values your friendship & company.

Whether you will be able to accept this change in your relationship is another matter. It could be very difficult emotionally for you.

If both she and you want honesty, then I think that you need to talk this out fully.

Good luck.

Well, I just got dumped by a very good friend and more. I had not seen someone in over 15 years and he said let me in, trust me, and I won't hurt you. He still was seeing someone and I said I needed more. He dumped me. I have know this person for a long time. Now for the last several days, all I do is cry. It hurt so much. He won't talk to me or email me because my email came out confrontational.

move on theres to much junk in the trunk.

I can do that.. Does that mean it really is his problem, I think so

I think maybe your girlfriend is confused.She moved on to another guy to maybe try and forget how she feels about you, but still wants you in her life because she still cares for you. When you went out with another girl she got upset maybe because she thought you would be more 'loyal' even after she hadn't exactly been the same to you. Girls can set unfair expectations, and set you up to fail without realizing it. I have done that before, in a way. Breaking up with a guy and saying I want you to date other people, but all the while had a HUGE knot in my stomach saying it, but didn't expect anything to happen, and when it did it is like a shocker in a way. I'm not saying it's right to do this, because it is mean to do it and it hurts you and whoever you are doing it to.

In a way, I think that maybe it is too hard for you to be just friends with her. I know what it is like to try and stay friends with a very close ex. You are always grasping at straws praying that maybe if you are nice and friendly you will remind her why she should want to be with you. It's hard, because usually that person gets comfortable as 'just friends' and you just have to accept things. I think maybe you should take time to get over your feelings for her if you want to be friends...it's just not fair to you if you hang in there and play her games. Maybe during the time you take away from her, she may realize what she lost, and may try to come back in your life. Maybe not. But you need time to move on and not torture yourself.

Hi Really Sad
Welcome to the forum!

I started a new thread for you:

'Really Sad'
http://www.wineintro.com/forum/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=338354&#Post338354

Please continue this discussion there.

Thank you!