RomanceClass.com Forums Romance Dating What's wrong with me?...

Ok I just talked to him on the phone (he hasn't called me all day, which I really didn't mind) and somehow just talking to him aggrevates me. I feel like Im throwing this relationship inthe trash, buts it like I just want to be left alone. And then I feel guilty for not wanting to spend time with him anymore...

Hi Amaggiepie

Not many people like being alone, so your feelings are understandable, but you probably just need time for you and your daughter at present.
You aren't alone ~ you have her. And you have your Mum. Give yourself time to get over the divorce and see how things go in the future.
With this relationship, it is unlikely to succeed, long term, if you are already feeling as you do now. However, you may just need time to 'find yourself' as it were.
Look after yourself.

I hope that things are going better now!

Things are a little better I guess... its been really hard since fall came because my boyfriend was laid off his job (the economy stinks for construction right now) and since then, weve argued more than ever before in our relationship. I just keep hoping that once he gets his job back in the spring and money isnt so tight, well both relax a little and enjoy each other more.

Finances and worries over finances are responsible for an awful lot of relationship problems. Or, at least they contribute to the overall stress level, which once it is exceeded, can erupt with many things that we normally don't bother with.

Even minor irritations can seem to take on epic proportions.

And, also, males' feelings of adequacy are tied to the traditional "providing." When that's out of whack (according to his feelings), then it's harder for him to feel "okay."

So, the things that come out in an argument may not be what is really the core issues.

Nonetheless, communication and willingness to compromise can overcome problems if there is love and a desire to work at building and growing it. It takes the both of you, however.

get a parakeet or two and dont take life so seriously.

Which goes back to my post on another thread, which you commented on, AMaggiePie:
http://www.wineintro.com/forum/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=338352

That's not very sympathetic or understanding.

I'm not even going to bother with this one...if you don't have anything to add to the conversation, please don't say anything at all.

Ammagiepie, You have gotten some very good advice from everyone. The difficult thing to do is make a decision when what ever you do will make life harder and more difficult. On top of that, it isn't easy being alone and not having a partner to share the responsibilities and the happiness with.

I think it helps to look at it from the simplest view. Every time you say something negative about the relationship you can also find something positive to say. Everytime you mention something bad that he does you can rationalize forgiving him by mentioning something that you could have done differently.

There are a few things that you mentioned, however, that you can't balance or rationalize away.

Most relationships must have some things to be healthy like trust and consideration. You mentioned that he didn't help out when you were at work and sick enough to stay home from school. That doesn't sound like someone demonstrating consideration for you or your child. When you went to your mother's home to stay, he threatened suicide and tried to force you to come home. Again, lack of respect for your feelings and inconsiderate behavior. In addition, threats of suicide bring up a trust issue. Can you trust someone who threatens to harm themselves to care for your child. Third he accused you of cheating on him. This is again a lack of trust and respect and demonstrates lack of confidence in your relationship. Several times I heard you say that you thought he was a nice person and I heard you say that you didn't want to be alone and I heard you say many other things but never mention "love".

So let's look at the list dispassionately if we can.

1.You fight a lot

2.You don't want to talk to him

3.You feel awkward around him

4.You have not said you love him

5.Your feelings for him have changed

6.You think you should stay for your child

7.You can't see yourself spending the rest of your life with him.

8.You don't think you can manage financially without him.

9.You hate to give up because your daughter likes him.

10.You both have said things you don't think you both can get over.

11. You used to have just yourself and your child to worry about now you have his problems with employment and transportation and argueing.

12.Happy times are fewer and fights are more frequent.

13. You are now asking what is wrong with you and doubting your ability to pick a worthy partner.

14. Someone who is controlling, manipulative,angry,frustrated,suspicious,jealous and threatening suicide is caring for your daughter while you are gone all day.

15. You have never said you love him.

16. He has recently gotten a job and a car and things are looking up.

17. You thought he was really nice when you met him.


I would read this list and I would ask yourself if your life would really be worse without him. I think you have answered that in your heart and with the things you have said. There has always been a rational or counter reason to keep you from making that hard and final decision. If you think about it though, there isn't one for statement #14.

There is not a good counter for that one. Your daughter is too precious to put at risk. You would never forgive yourself if he went off the deep end and she was around when it happened. Your relationship has been getting more and more volatile and suicidal threats are not the words of a trustworthy man.