RomanceClass.com Forums Romance Breaking Up I dont trust him, how can I?

The him I'm referring to is my ex's boyfriend.

I can't go into detail about how close we are: It's impossible. I've known this girl for over four years, but we live in separate states. We're the best of friends, and we talk almost every day. She knows how I feel, and at one time she felt the same for me. Then it was just..."over" it was like she woke up that morning and just said it wasn't going to work.
At the time, I was around 14 or 15((I'm 18 now))- Still really immature in what I thought "love" was. So whenever after that she had a lover I was furious and jealous and I thought that she would find the posessiveness attractive. (( I know, it doesn't seem logical but at one time she noted that was something she liked...))"
Until sometime last year, I didn't realize how much it hurt her feelings that I would resent whoever she was with. I wanted to be able to make her as happy as they could- why was it that someone who had known her for such a short time could make her happier?! Immature. Selfish. I understand fully now that I don't care what it takes I ACTUALLY want her to be happy. My young "love" has grown to where I love her and respect her more than I "want"her (lust)... I was actually happy that she had found her current boyfriend.
She seemed really thrilled with him, unlike her other ex. Something about this guy just...didn't sit right with me. I couldn't tell her that though, she would just think I was resenting him because he was dating her- which for once ISN"T the case. I finally let it go and convinced myself I was just overreacting to something that wasn't there.

..Until last night. She sent me a text. Long story short, her boyfriend sort of snapped. He scared her I think and he became very dominating. I'm assuming it was sexual because she talked about being thrown back into the mindstate of "___" (The person who raped her a long time ago ) She said he continued even though she was saying no. What it is that he was doing...I don't know. She just told me he gained "control" over himself at the last second.

Needless to say, I was xxxxxx off but mostly I was frightened for her. I know she loves him, and I respect him because she loves him but even if he said he'd never do it again.... I"m scared he might. I'm scared he might hurt her and there's not a d*** thing I can do to stop this. I managed to convey in a sane manner that I was concerned and while she loved him and I respected him for that, I was still uneasy about it all.

So my question is,.... how can I trust him now? I've never talked to him one on one just been shown bits of IM conversation whenever she thought something was " cute" or "funny" . So it's not for his benefit that I"m trying to trust him now, it's for her. She wants me to not dislike him.... but how can I forgive someone who almost did the unthinkable to the girl I've been in love with for years....
(( I'm good at reading between lines and I didn't like everything I saw..))


Obviously... I also want her back, but I ALSO want what is best for her. I thought he would be okay for her, that he could provide for her and be there for her in ways I couldn't. Now I don't know.... Any "get your ex back" tips would be great...

The important thing here is that a man frightened a vulnerable girl ~ forcing himself upon her, even when she was saying 'no'. This can never be acceptable.

As her friend (the fact that you want to be her boyfriend is secondary here) you need to talk to her and warn her that this kind of thing may be repeated. If he will do it once, then it is likely that he will do it again. This is a common pattern, as far as I am aware from the testimonies of other women.

Women often do love their abusers, which is why they forgive them, but she is in the early stages of the relationship. She can walk away before anything more serious happens.

Talk to her about this. Tell her that it is not jealousy on your part, it is concern.

Good luck!