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#310723 07/16/08 10:59 PM
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428pm Offline OP
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I am in my first relationship since I broke up with my very abusive ex, and things are getting serious now.

Am I happy? No.

I feel like I'm on a rollar coaster, it seemed liek it would be a lot of fun, but now that I'm at the peak of the hill, about to go down, I want off the ride.

It's too scary, and I change my mind now, but I can't get off.

How horrible a person am I?


428pm #310753 07/17/08 01:46 AM
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Hello 428pm

You are not horrible. When you have been through something before, and the memory is a bad one, that bad memory can somehow be revived by following a similar pattern again.

You were in a relationship. It seemed right. It went wrong.

You are in a new relationship. It seems right. You fear that it is wrong, or may go wrong.

I think that this is normal.

You need to be very patient with yourself and take things slowly.

To return to the roller coaster metaphor ~ what would you do, if you visited a theme park, went on a roller coaster, and it upset and frightened you?

You could do one of three things.
~ Keep going on that ride until you got used to it and it no longer frightened you.
~ Never go on the ride again, just in case it always made you feel upset.
~ Give yourself a break, by going on lesser rides, or visiting sideshows, until you had calmed down, and then try it again.

So now, you can bring these options to your own life and say:
~ I'm not going to let my ex ruin my life; I am going to put that in the past and enjoy myself with my new man.
~ I'm never going to trust a man again, or love a man again, or enjoy myself with a man again ~ just in case he turns out to be as bad as my ex.
~ I know that there are both good and bad men out there. I'm going to move slowly this time, to make sure I don't make the same mistake again, but I am going to hope and trust that this man will be different, and that we can slowly but surely build up a strong, loving and trusting relationship.

Which is it to be?

Relationship counselling might help.

Good luck. smile


"The secret of success is constancy to purpose" - Benjamin Disraeli.
PDM #310779 07/17/08 03:32 AM
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Nothing I could add to the spectacularly great advice above... I would just like to underline the idea of taking your time & proceeding slowly.

#310792 07/17/08 05:08 AM
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428pm Offline OP
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very good advice.

lol, what would I do at an actual rollar coaster? NEVER go on them again. I hate them, lol.

But seriously, with my bf...Well, I get neasious(sp?) when he kisses me, I hate hugging...It make sme feel unsafe, even though logically I know he won;t hurt me.

I feel like I've jumped to high, and I can't get back to the ground. I hate it. I'm starting to wonder if it's worth it.

My bf says he doesn't care, he is patient, understands and gets mad more at my ex than me. He does want me to seek counselling at the church though.

I don't know, I suppose that has a lot to do with what I did a little while ago.

I am talking about here, because, well there is some degree of anonymity online eh? and in person talking to the pastor well...I don't really want to.

I listen to women talk about their experiences and then convert them into legalese for a living, but that is a cold and numbing experience. It's much different than sharing your own experiences with someone.



428pm #310794 07/17/08 05:47 AM
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when you share you have to relive it. If something is ugly enough, you want to stuff it back and hide from it and run a million miles away. That doesn't work though, because if it is ugly enough it eats away at you from the inside out. You may not know it is doing damage until you try to escape into yourself or try to escape from life. It is really hard to get over violent traumatic things because you suffer a post traumatic stress. It is really hard to learn to trust again. Not putting yourself in a stressful situation and just taking it slow until trust returns is good. If you have a good man, it does the trust will return. Dealing with the pain is the other thing that has to be done. Not by someone religious necessarily. Someone who is a good shrink. Talk, and talk and talk until you have talked about all of the pain. Let it out and let it go until there isn't anymore left inside. Talk and cry and let someone validate your feelings until you don't have anymore to say. Your not a bad person. Bad things happened to you that should not have happened and if you don't keep it inside and you let a relationship happen slowly and naturally without the pressure of more than you can handle faster than you can handle it then you will learn to trust again. You will learn to trust others and yourself. It happened for me, I believe it can happen for you.



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428pm #310914 07/17/08 07:55 PM
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Originally Posted By: 428pm
... what would I do at an actual rollar coaster? NEVER go on them again. I hate them, lol.

Yes, I hate them too ~ or, rather, I hate the extreme ones.
So we can still use the analogy.

If the extreme roller coasters frighten you, and make you feel ill, as they do me, then does that mean that you never go to the fair or theme park again, or does it mean that you avoid anything unpleasant, and try the lesser but more enjoyable rides, like the gentler roller coasters?

Some roller coasters, like some men, are just too rough; while other roller coasters, like other men, are great fun, but more gentle, and less frightening

Quote:
But seriously, with my bf...Well, I get neasious(sp?) when he kisses me, I hate hugging...It make sme feel unsafe, even though logically I know he won;t hurt me.

It could be a control thing.
Did you feel out of control with your ex?
Have you ensured that since then you have been in total control of your life so that no man could hurt you again?
It can be frightening to let down your guard ~ especially if you have been hurt before.

Quote:
I feel like I've jumped to high, and I can't get back to the ground. I hate it. I'm starting to wonder if it's worth it.
That's sad, because hugging should be reassuring, not frightening.
I think that if you went for counselling about this they would say don't go too far, too fast.
Consider what you can do without feeling afraid.
Sitting together chatting?
Holding hands?
Arms around shoulders?
A peck on the cheek?
Stroking arms?
A kiss on the lips ~ not French kissing?
And so on.

When you know what you can do without feeling nausea or fear ~ tell your boyfriend and don't go any further until you feel ready. He will have to be patient, but better that than causing upset. You will know when you are ready for the next step.

Quote:
My bf says he doesn't care, he is patient, understands and gets mad more at my ex than me. He does want me to seek counselling at the church though.

He sounds great.
Personally, based on things that have happened to friends, I'd go with a counsellor who wasn't connected to your church.

Quote:
I don't know, I suppose that has a lot to do with what I did a little while ago.

I don't know why that happened, but you must have been feeling very stressed.

Quote:
I am talking about here, because, well there is some degree of anonymity online eh? and in person talking to the pastor well...I don't really want to.

I can certainly understand that.
We are here! smile

Quote:
I listen to women talk about their experiences and then convert them into legalese for a living, but that is a cold and numbing experience. It's much different than sharing your own experiences with someone.

Totally different. Personal emotions are nowhere near as involved.


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I agree with Jo entirely.

Originally Posted By: joandboys
.. If something is ugly enough, you want to stuff it back and hide from it and run a million miles away. That doesn't work though, because if it is ugly enough it eats away at you from the inside out...

I agree entirely.
However, I understand that there are there are two schools of thought on this.

One encourages you to face your fears so that you can deal with them.
The other says that something bad has happened, but that was in the past, so leave it there, and accept that it is over and should not be troubling you in the present.
Don't dig up the past ~ let sleeping dogs lie.

I suppose that it depends on the person involved, but, either way, it involves acknowleding past unpleasantness and agreeing to stop allowing it to hurt you.



"The secret of success is constancy to purpose" - Benjamin Disraeli.
PDM #311187 07/19/08 03:36 AM
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428pm Offline OP
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I think I really am going to go back into counselling. This stuff is getting a bit overwhelming. When my bf hugs me, all I can think of is how it feels to have strong hands squeezing tight around my neck, or the feeling (and sound) of steeltoes cracking my ribs. When he kisses me on the cheek, I remember what it feels like to have bruises on my cheekbones.

That can't be normal.

And it's making it hard to even enjoy life. I feel like I will never know love again, and I feel guilty for thinking those things. I think people (especially my son, and bf) would be better off without me.


Last edited by 428pm; 07/19/08 03:39 AM.

428pm #311203 07/19/08 06:40 AM
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That is post traumatic stress. I suffered the same stuff after my father hit me three times in an argument. I would drift off and relive the fight in my mind when I was doing orinary stuff. I avoided contact with my father until the immediate stress of the fight faded in my memory. Other things that were ugly that happened because of my father's temper when I was younger and throughout my life started coming back when I was 42 and I had no control over the grief and anger. They say that sometimes that happens. You can be going along and somewhere around midlife ugliness that was abusive starts to come back to haunt you. That is when you have to deal with it. It isn't a matter of saying that it happened and accepting it and moving on. Your subconscience has a different idea. It is far better to face it on your terms than to let it eat at you. You are experienceing something that won't go away on it's own. Your family would not be better off without you. YOU will be better off without the feelings those memories give you. Your family loves and needs you and eventually those feelings will fade if you deal with them and get the help of someone you can talk to that is a professional trained in Post traumatic stress. Don't let that brute rob you of the rest of your life by causing you to relive the abuse. He has taken too much of your peace of mind already. Don't let him brutalize you anymore. Please find someone who will listen and let you talk about all of the ugliness. I know you don't want to but you have to get it out of your head and heart and wash it out of your soul. I talked and cried until I didn't have anything that I hadn't said a dozen times. I talked about every slap and every nasty mean word. I talked about every beating I watched my father give my mother. I talked about loosing my hearing from a slap to my head for weeks. I talked about the guilt of hateing and loving the same person. I talked about not knowing it was abuse until years later. I talked about being forced to accept appologies before I felt forgiveness in my heart, just to keep the peace. I can tell you that it did work. The nightmares that had begun stopped. The anger subsided and the ugliness didn't touch my life daily. I had not lived with my father for years. All it took was hearing him yell at me to trigger all of the pain I had been storing up and pushing back for over thirty five years. It will hurt while you are doing it, but with help from a professional who is trained in post traumatic disorder, it will get better.



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428pm #311204 07/19/08 06:52 AM
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Originally Posted By: 428pm
... I feel like I will never know love again, and I feel guilty for thinking those things. I think people (especially my son, and bf) would be better off without me.

Please don't think like that. Your son loves and needs you.
Your boyfriend wouldn't be your boyfriend if he didn't want you in his life.

It seems to me that you are suffering from stress, anxiety and depression.

Please get help, from someone who really knows what s/he is doing.

You can get over this ~ you just need some support.


"The secret of success is constancy to purpose" - Benjamin Disraeli.
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