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I really need someone to listen to this. I need to get this out. I'm tired of keeping all of this to myself. I've had enough. This is what I've been dealing with nonstop and I'm tired of not telling anyone: I'm xxxxxxx tired of holding in my feelings everyday and pretending that everything is fine. I'm xxxxxxx tired of people not caring. I'm xxxxxxx tired of people saying that suicide is selfish. Think about it: what's selfish is people trying to keep someone alive who is completely miserable. I would rather go through the loss of another loved one than deal with this xxxx any longer. I can't do this anymore. I become more depressed and suicidal every xxxxxxx day. Life is too much for me to bear. At this point I am desperate to be rid of the pain. I don't even know what happiness feels like anymore. I stopped feeling it completely months ago. I only know anger, hate, pain, and misery. I spend countless nights awake, wondering when the pain will go away, thinking of ways to kill myself and finally be rid of this pain. I'm sorry if this upsets you. I just need someone who will listen and tell me what they think.
I just kind of exploded...

I care, I don't know you but I care very much. I was where you are so many times in my life. I tried to committ suicide four times. That was many years ago and I was desolate in my sadness. I had the same feelings that you have expressed. I can only share a few thoughts with you. I realize that if I had succedded I would have passed that same pain on to my mother and father and my children. I wouldn't have wished those feelings on anyone. I also realize that it was impossible to be objective about my pain and my feelings because I was in the depths of a "black" depression brought on by divorce,betrayal,drugs,and alchohol. I even thought that God had betrayed me. I also realize that if I had succeeded, I would have immediately wanted another chance. I also realize that I was letting what other people did to me affect my love for myself. When I started caring for myself, slowly but surely life was better. I remember one friend thinking more of me than I did myself. That friend was like a beacon. I am so glad I was able to be here and touch others lives. I know I have made a difference. I know it has made a difference in my life to touch those lives. At my lowest one time, I went to a hospital for an appointment and I was really disheartened about my family falling apart and I didn't know what to do. I pressed the wrong button when I got on the elavator and accidently had to go to the top floor and back down to the lobby before I could get off. While I was on the elavator several children got on in wheelchairs. They were all cancer patients. They were just little kids that hadn't even begun to live and were in a fight for their young lives. By the time I got off of that elavator, I was looking at my life in a much different light. I had a renewed determination, so to speak. I realized that I could overcome any of the things that were making me sad and discouraged, but these kids had a serious fight for their lives on their hands. It made me realize just how precious my life was. Whenever I am depressed about how things are going in my life I remember that day and what that experience did to my perspective. I suddenly was looking at my life in a different way and it looked different. It is so true that "Things are not always as they seem, but as we perceive them to be". That is not to say, all things will be different just because of how we look at them but all things are affected by how we look at them. I hope I did not overwhelm you with words. My intention was to overwhelm you with love and hope.

Parakeet lover
I have suffered from depression ~ it has been really bad at times. I now feel blessed to be very happy with my life. So things can change. Never forget that. They really can change and you can be happy. I am really sorry and concerned that you feel as you do. Help should be available to you. There will probably be counsellors or psychologists available to talk you through this and arrange medication if necessary.

Are you in physical pain or are you talking about mental anguish? I know that mental anguish can be worse, but physical pain can cause mental anguish, so, either way, this is serious and people will care. Do you tell people of your concerns? It sounds as if you bottle them up, so maybe no-one knows how awful you feel ~ and that is why you do not see their concern.

First, remember that things can get better.
Second, see who can help you to get them better.

Suicidal thoughts can be caused by a number of things ~ they can even be the side effect of some medications. Check with your doctor.

My consultant asked me if I had had suicidal thoughts and I answered that they had only been fleeting, because I had believed that I could get better and, having suffered the nightmare of depression, I wanted to go on to enjoy the good times, beyond, rather than ending it in the middle of this black abyss. And I did. I defeated the abyss. It tries to get me occasionally, but I find that I can use techniques, now, that help me to avoid it.

There is another thing that you need to know about suicidal thoughts ~ they are a sign that you are getting better!
Yes, it may sound unlikely, but a psychiatrist friend told me that suicidal thoughts occur as depression starts to improve. It actually makes sense if you think about it. When people are in the depths of depression, they don't care. they don't care enough to think about suicide or anything else very much. I know that I felt that suicide would be senseless, because I felt dead already. As you start to get better, you become more actively distressed by your depression. That is the point where suicide is most likely to happen. So remember, this is likely to be a temporary 'low' as your depression is starting to improve. Take it as a positive, if you can.

I am lucky now to have a very happy life. You can too.
You can defeat it, too ~ and you can have a happy life.

Take care and please get some professional help.
If you can, ask a loved one or friend to support you as you do this.

Please, don't ignore this.
By posting this you have taken the first step.
That is a very positive thing!

Don't keep it in!
Tell people ~ your doctor, for one.
Talk to us ~ I think that it will help.

If you are keeping your feelings in, it may be that they don't know, or don't realise how bad it is,
rather than that they don't care.

What people mean is that they couldn't bear to lose you. It shows that they do care.
But they may not want to face the truth of your agony because they don't know how to help you.

I know that depression is horrific, but it can be helped so don't give up.

Remember, that as a depressed person, you are seeing thingsd differently from your friends and family.
Are you able to tell us what has caused this?
Do you know?
Is / Was it something specific?


You say 'anymore', so you have felt happiness. Try to hold on to that and to remember that you can get happiness back.
I have spent nights lying awake in turmoil. Night-time is particularly bad when you are depressed or anguished. There's nothing to take your mind off it. I remember trying to find things to do ~ like answering quiz questions, listening to favourite music ~ not the depressing kind ~ reading 'happy' books, etc. It only worked to a degree.

Of course it is upsetting, but this 'explosion' may be what you need to set you on the road to recovery.

Remember what I said, above, suicidal thoughts are a sign that you are getting better! As the depression starts to heal, you become more actively distressed by your depression. That is the point where suicide is most likely to happen. So this is likely to be a temporary 'low' as your depression begins to improve. So take heart!

Depression can be related to hormones. You may have given these details, before, but do you mind saying how old you are and whether you are male or female.

Cannabis can be linked to depression. Depending on the type and people's conclusions, it can be said to cause it, or keep it at bay, so have a word with your doctor or counsellor about this.

Hi again Parakeet Lover
I'm sorry to bombard you with replies.

Actually, I was about to go to bed, when I first read your post, because I am quite ill at the moment, but not to worry, your problems are more urgent than mine at the moment.

When I received a notification about bad language in your post, I went straight to the forum, to delete the banned words, and then read about your problem. I was very concerned and wanted to try to help you.

Obviously, in the circumstances, I can understand that bad language is only a minor matter for you at this time, so I just deleted it for you. Your health is much more important.

I have looked back through your posts, in order to try to help you, and I can see that you have had a series of problems, so maybe these have triggered your depression ~ what do you think?

You mentioned having Aspergers ~ is this worrying you ~ especially if the associated speech impediment is causing other people to be less than helpful ~ as you implied in your post? Sometimes strangers can react negatively, but, for your own benefit, you must try not let this get to you.

I hope that you won't mind me asking, but is there more than one person was using this account?
It's difficult to respond to people's problems, if one is not sure of the facts of their background, and some of the problems, under this user-name, are contradictory and, so, confusing. Could you clarify to make it easier for us to help? Thanks!

On one, it says: 'i ended up doing was sitting up in the far corner of the stair well, being the emo girl on the side lines no1 cares about'
http://www.wineintro.com/forum/ubbthread...2571#Post272571

So, presumably a girl wrote this one.

On another it says: 'my girlfriend was over and we were making out with her on my lap. ..... she got her period on my leg ... I was kind of grossed out (because periods gross pretty much all guys out) .... I don't really understand periods and PMS and all that ..'

A boy must have written this one.

Also, on a couple of posts, the author states that s/he is 18, while on another, the person states that s/he is 16. One gives the name 'Andrew'. Which of these is you?
Either way, as a teenager, you could be going through hormonal difficulties, so please ask your doctor for advice!

You have mentioned friends. Friends are very important at a time like this. One post told us that your female best friend was using you ~ taking you to a party and then ignoring you. Another post talked of a male best friend, who the poster thought might have been trying steal a girlfriend. Very stressful!

As I said, I can't tell who is whom, because it looks as if more than one person is posting under the name 'Parakeet Lover', so I'm not sure which person is you, but, either way, have you made up with your best friend(s), so that they can support you through the difficult times?

And have you managed to find someone to help you support the girl, who was attacked by a friend and being hit by her father?

Pets can really help people to feel better. Do you still have Pepper and Joe? Are they helping you? Taking the dog out for walks in the sunshine & fresh air is known to help depression.

All in all, I think that you need to speak to a counsellor and tell him, or her, about all these things that have been going on in your life, recently. Teen years can be stressful enough, without taking on other people's problems! Hormones whirring around can cause anxiety, confusion and depression.

As I said, you can always talk to us on the forum about your worries.

Remember, we can help more easily, if we are not confused, so please try to help us sort out who has been going through what. Either way, you have had a lot on your mind, lately, so please get some counselling & medical help for yourself and take care!

But don't let the stresses and strains of being a teenager get you down. They will pass ~ but do get some help now, while you need it.

The sole cause of it is what my dad did to me, and all of the following unfortunate happenings. The pain used to only be mental, but it's affecting me so badly that it's becoming physical as well. Thanks. I'm male btw.

Who was the 'emo girl' using your account?

Whatever the cause, if you are feeling so down, you really need to talk to a counsellor. They can help you.

It looks, Parakeet Lover, as if you have changed your name to 'Unknown' and that you are experiencing some serious medical problems.

It has been a number of days since you made the above post and now we must advise you to see a doctor ~ urgently.

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See also:
http://www.wineintro.com/forum/ubbthread...6365#Post306365