RomanceClass.com Forums Romance Dating I feel my relationship is in danger

Hi I'm Piike.

Anyway I'm going through a difficult problem like some do from time to time on these forums anyway.

My Girlfriend and I are in our 30s and we met about 4 months ago and for the first 3 months every has been great she's loving and has a big heart...

but before me she was in a relationship with a guy for 6 years but they broke up frequently through those six years because he would cheat on her etc.... and she was too weak move on and when she would and try to meet someone else ... he would come back into her life and sweet talk her back.

This has happened at least twice then she meets me and he's been so jealous... he drives by her house and tries to woo her back etc... which is annoying and won't go away.

Now we care about each other but he keeps popping up stirring her old emotions for him.

She claims that she's moved on with me but calls me insecure when I bring up him constantly trying to stay in the picture. (Can you blame me?)

Now that we're into our fourth month she's changed. She's really stressed over bills and moving into another house....

I asked her was it something I did and she says it's nothing to do with me or her ex.... she just has a million things going on.

She says we're around each other too much and that we both need to have our own life outside our relationship and that we need our space.

As of last night I was talking to her and she said she would call me back...but she didnt so I called her back a couple hours later and her phone was turned off... so I called back in the morning and it was back on but she didn't answer.

So I think I'm just going to back off and not call. I'm not insecure it's just her ex won't go away and it's put a strain on our relationship. So I'm scared if I stop calling ...that will give her more time to think about her ex and If I do call it will just xxxx her off.

I've dodge relationships for years and this is why

Any advice?

Welcome to the forums.

In the realm of relationships, 4 months is a relatively short time, and from what you say, it sounds like your girlfriend has no idea what she wants, and it is she, not you, who is insecure.

I do agree with her in that each of you needs your own lives, BUT, to me, saying that you spend too much time together and asking for more space does not bode well. It implies that she's tiring of you, and if that's the case after 4 months, then what after 6 months? a year?

sal has a point, besides, there are millions of other girls out there, dont stick to the hard one, go wit someone who cares about u a lot and doesnt need *space*.

Hi Piike ~ welcome.

It sounds as if she is a bit confused to me ~ about you and her ex and herself.

Maybe she does just need time, but I agree with Sal that this scenario doesn't sound encouaging.

As for 'I've dodge relationships for years and this is why' ~ maybe this negative attitude is drawing you to the wrong girls.

Get a positive happy attitude to relationships and you might find a positive happy girl.

Hi again.... our relationship has been up/down since I last posted. She admitted she still needs to heal from her previous relationship because she rush into this one with me.... and she also says I'm too nice.

I hate to hear that because I only open up to the nice ones... boy was I wrong.

Anyway she's been in so many bad relationships where she was treated like xxxx that she doesn't know how to react to someone treating her good.

So even though my emotions and feelings are wrapped into all this... my hearts all beat up, cracked, and trashed cause of her

what should I do ladies?

Aww. I know exactly how you feel man. Advice for this is kind of hard to get and the usual "I dont think you should be in this relationship" Is prolly not what you wanna hear. I completely understand.

I'm dating a guy right now that when we first met, he said that he wasn't really ready for a relationship because of some other girl that was mean to him...blah blah blah we've all heard it. A week later, we were dating and happy. Then 'she' started calling and telling him that if he lived where she did, they would totally get back together...and this made me slightly angry. So I talked to him about it. I told him that he has his title to be friends with her...I am in no place to tell him that he can't, But I am his girlfriend now, not her. I've told him that it does make me a bit jealous when she calls or texts or comments, and especially the picture of the both of them holding hands on his myspace page...

We've been together for a year and 3 months now. Which is very good. Communication is the best thing. Maybe you should sit her down and tell her how you feel. Tell her that the ex coming back into her life the way he is makes you uncomfortable. I understand that you don't want to lose this person but sometimes, you just can't stop it. Ask her how she feels about him basically following her around and that if she does not like it, she needs to tell him to go away.

As for the "we need our own space" Yes this is true but there is a certain space that is considered a "Please don't call me anymore" and if you are truely confused, you need to ask her what e.x.a.c.t.l.y she meant so that no one is confused.

If she really wants to be with you, she will pour her feelings out if you do...most times, sorry I can't promise that. It just needs to be you and her no one else around somewhere quiet. Try and be sweet to her in talking to her so that she doesn't get that bad feeling of "we need to talk" You will either sweep her off her feet, or...well. I'll leave that one out cause I don't wish for that to happen.

Best of luck, my friend.

Thanks for your take on this chirp06.

I think my problem was she is the first "nice" woman I've dated... and all the stories she told me about her past such as the way she was treated etc... I molded myself not to hurt her in those ways because she's the one I've been looking for all this time.

When things were going good she'd always ask me where have I been all her life etc... and it felt good knowing that I could make her happy but I guess me being good to her has run it's course.

I guess I fear that if we break up... she'll fall for another bad guy and get treated like xxxx and i'd hate to see that happen to her because since being with her I can see how guys have easily taken advantage of her trust etc...

It sucks because my birthday is next friday... I gave her a good birthday but not sure if mine will turn out the same way.

She admits that she isn't use to someone being honest and faithful with her and she doesn't know how to deal with it and wants space...

And it seems that she takes her frustrations and bad memories from past relationships out on me. I'm trying to remain calm when she comes at me like that but there's only so much more I can take.

and with everything that has happened I thought she would have broken up with me by now but she hasn't... its making me confused.

I'm just going to stop calling her and think about other things and do other things.... because the last thing i need is heartbreak during my birthday.

If it doesn't work out I know how this is going to end and that's with her being with another jerk...get treated like xxxx then regret pushing me away.

I hope not though.

Hi Piike,

Sorry about the earlier typo, which meant that I got your name wrong ~ I have corrected it now.

Unfortunately, no-one on here can really tell you what to do. Only you and she can sort this out.

There are questions which need to be asked and answered.

Now that you are in your thirties, you want to find 'the one' and you thought that she was 'the one I've been looking for all this time'.

But is she?

Consider carefully; you have known each other for less than six months and, while this can sometimes be long enough, sometimes it isn't long enough to get to the real person ~ especially if there is a lot of emotional baggage.

Maybe she just needs time, or maybe she thrives on the 'excitement' of a more stressful relationship; or maybe she only knows how to function in a negative relationship.

If she wants you, and what you seem to be offering ~ a calm, loving life ~ then she probably will need time ~ and help ~ to adjust. I would recommend counselling for her to come to terms with her past ~ and also relationship counselling for both of you.

Is such help available where you live?

By your 30s, you can be set in your ways ~ both of you. You will need to learn to live as a couple if this is to be successful.

Is that what you both want?

Do you love her? ~ Enough?

Does she love you?

Does she want the sort of lifestyle that being in a relationship with you would bring?

Think carefully and as objectively as you can

Good luck!

uh-oh! this rings bells for me!!! look at the circumstances--she's been in dozens of really xxxxxx relationships where she was treated like, well, xxxx. and now she's telling you that you're too nice. sounds like she's got a lot of growing up to do. i'm sorry if the following sounds harsh or isn't what you want to hear, but this kind of hits home for me, and i'm just trying to help you because i hate seeing people who are in love with someone and all they get back is problems. have you ever heard the expression (popular among pyschologists) that to help a person, they have to want to be helped? well, the same goes for a relationship. in order to be in a good relationship, both parties have to want to be in a good relationship. it doesn't sound like she wants to be in a good relationship. her calling you "too nice" should enrage you. there is no such thing as being too nice--you can be a pushover, but that's not being nice, it's not being able to say "no"--and excuse you for trying to treat her well. your niceness is a virtue not a vice (sorry, in college, been reading Plato ). i think it's pretty clear that she still has some maturing to do and that she is not ready for a relationship with a real man. she'd rather be treated poorly by a bunch of posers. and let me point something out: she told you that the change in her behavior was due to having too many things to do. you and i know--and she knows too--that that is a dang lie. that makes her a liar. and on top of that, all of this is followed by the couple of days when you couldn't reach her--did she provide an explanation for that? i'm sorry but it sounds like she's neither trustworthy nor reliable. now, i do agree with her that you two need lives outside of your relationship, however, asking for space is something different. four months is not a lot of time--this is the time that you guys should be spending getting to know each other, and yet she's already asking for space? doesn't bode well. it sounds like you've got yourself a woman who is trying to tell you that she's not ready for you. when she says "i've got a lot of healing to do from my last relationship," wat she's really trying to tell you is "i'm not ready for this relationship." take the hint, and let her go figure herself out. life is hard enough, without all of this, right? now, just so you don't think i'm pulling this out of the air, let me tell you what happened to me. i was with a man--i've since decided to be done with him--and at the beginning of our relationship, we got off to a rocky start because he kept telling me, "you're too good for me," or "you're so nice--i don't want to corrupt you." i should have taken the hint and run in the other direction. but instead, i stuck with him. well, it turned out that he was abusive, and cruel. and all that time he was telling me i was "too nice," he was really trying to warn me that he wasn't man enough to treat somebody the way they should be treated. now i wish that whole 6 months never happened, and i'll have to live with the scars he gave me for the rest of my life. i don't want anyone going through what i went through. i know you're older and probably more mature than me, but a relationship is supposed to enrich you, not drain you and make you hate other relationships. this ain't right for you. run. and run far.

good luck to you

Piike: you wrote: "...it seems that she takes her frustrations and bad memories from past relationships out on me."

Now please consider LoraX' words: "a relationship is supposed to enrich you, not drain you."

I think that is a spectacularly good piece of advice, and perhaps it should be printed on everyone's bathroom mirror so that we see it every day! Of course, "enrich" isn't the same as "make me happy every second of every day" --no relationship of any kind will ever do that. But you don't sound like a self-absorbed person, and your expectations sound reasonable to me.

I hope you won't give up on the many nice women out there!