RomanceClass.com Forums Romance Breaking Up I'm so hurt it's hard to breathe!!

My husband of 6years abandoned me a year ago on my birthday, And I recently found him and found out he's started a new life with my so-called friend, And she's pregnant with his baby. I am so hurt and I can't seem to get over what they did. How long is it going to take 4 me to get over this? My family says get over it, but its easier said than done. I have no closure on the situation, cuz he says I just need to be single, It's nothing U have done you're a good wife. I never bought that. I know I wasn't perfect but noone deserves this. My life has been turned upside down,I'm scared of a new relationship and I am trying to heal with no avail. Doing everyday things like goin to work, cooking, cleaning, being a mother ETC Is so hard and I'm constantly fighting back tears, trying to be strong.
I've been depressed before but this is very different!!
I want to check myself into a crazy house.
Please give me some advice or direction.

Ok...This has to be one of the most hardest things you are going through, and I don'tnkow if my advice will help because I'm still at a younger age and have not been married. Ok first your ex-husband was prbably feeling empty inside or maybe he just wasn't satisfied with the marriage. That I can not be sure of. It will be very hard to move on, but sometimes when you are dealing with things like this you need some one to look up to? I always look up to God when I feel weak and I feel like I can't go on. I always pray to God for strength. And I know he will give me that strength to. You could try doing the same thing. Or maybe if you don't believe in God(not saying you don't), but if you don't then look deep inside your heart for strength. And into you children's lives too and say if I can't move on how will this effect them? Not saying that it will but you never know because sometimes when these things happen some children feel there lost because they are missing a father figure or mother figure in there life, and they don't know what to do. So you have to be strong not only for yourself, but for you children too. Because your children are apart of you and what effects you effects them. About dating again don't worry it will kick back into you in no time. That's all you need is just a little time to think about the next step in your life. I hope my advice helps you, and if you have anymore questions. I will keep in touch with this topic just in case!

-Sincerely FallenAngel

Oh FallenAngel is just a name I use in case you wondering...

Hello Resentful1

You are grieving. You may still be in shock.
I think that, once you realise this, it might help.

You are likely to respond as others do to grief.
Sadness, incomprehension, guilt, loneliness, anger, frustration, etc, etc.

And, to add insult to injury, this happened on your birthday ~ so a celebration day has been spoiled. Try not to let that happen, though. Make your birthday a special day for you and your loved-ones. Replace the bad memories with good ones.

And it happened with your friend ~ so a double let-down.
But try to acknowledge and then discard the negative thoughts about this. They are not helping you.

As with any grief, time will help. How much time depends on you and your situation. Counselling could help ~ even if it is the unofficial kind with a good friend.

Of course you feel hurt & your family probably does not know how to help you ease the pain, so they are just willing it to go away by hoping that you can just get over this. But it's not that easy. Grief takes at least two years to work through.

In this case, there are other emotions on top of the grief. You are probably feeling too emotional to look at this rationally. Meditation or prayer might indeed help, if they suit your personality or beliefs. Gardening might be helpful.

Just look one day at a time. You have coped for a year. That is a very positive thing already. Doing the usual mundane tasks is hard, but will probably help you cope, because they give you purpose and routine, which help with the grieving process, I think. However, there is no harm in giving yourself some time off ~ some jobs can be left for a little while. Have a rest. Pamper yourself. Indulge in a bubble bath. Put on some make up, do your hair and make yourself beautiful ~ just for yourself!

Looking at this objectively ~ though I appreciate that this is hard to do ~ you should realise that staying with a man who was in love with your friend would not have been good for you, so try to see this as positive rather than negative. (OK, I know it's hard.)

Think of the positive things that came out of your marriage ~ your children.

He agrees that you are a good wife, so you cannot blame yourself ~ this, too, is positive.

Try to find yourself again. You are a mother. You are / were a wife, but you are also a person in your own right. What were you interested in before your marriage? What are your skills? Who are your friends?

Get your self-confidence back by finding your self again. Go to a class or join a mothers' circle. Perhaps a kind relative could help with babysitting. Keep yourself safe, though, whatever you do. Have some good positive times with your children and your relatives.

Think, every day, of the positive things that have happened and just accept the negative things, but don't dwell on them. Maybe keep a journal recording any & all good things.

Remember that you are normal; what you are feeling is normal.

If you think that you might be depressed, and you might be, see your doctor and/or a counsellor for some help and support.

Time heals. Things will get better.
Maybe you will even find a new partner who will be loyal.

Good luck. You'll be fine.:)

That is a hard story but you have got to move on.

I was once feeling a bit resentful about something, and an older woman told me, "Resentment is a real killer, you've got to let it go." It was great advice, and you have got to let your resentment go too. Not that you can't be sad, and you might not want to ever see or spend time with your x, but you can't sit there and be seething mad at him and his new partner, and you can't let his current situation pre-occupy you. You have just got to let that anger go and move on with your own life.

You are a mother. As a parent, I think I personally would throw my full energy into that. Your child(ren) love you 100% unconditionally and you will get great returns on the love and time invest in them. Parenting is such a full time job that I would think that could occupy your time very well.

Whatever tiny time remains after being a mother, I would use to exercise. It will be good for your health, release pent up emotions, and make you feel more attractive. You might even meet somebody. I know single mothers who take their kids to the county rec center which has daycare while they exercise. It is a great bargain and both the kids and parents love it.

Then, as PDM suggests, finding a group with other single parents is always a good idea - for the comradery and perhaps they have some type of chidcare options to give you a break once in a while.

I do think you will move on from this - but like I said, you have to release your anger. It will give you some time to clear your head and be thankful for what you do have (you and your children, others in your family, and friends you still have).

If you are in tears nearly daily and having trouble just staying focused on the days tasks - then you are depressed. There are many good and safe medications for depression and I would definitely talk to a doctor to see which one might be right for you. Counseling and support groups are also good ideas - but there are real chemical changes that occur in depression, and the medications can really help.

Good luck to you.

Thanx 4 taking the time out and responding to my situation it really means alot to me. Do U know of any free counselors or non-profit organizations? I no longer have health insurance since the separation. I was using my EAP at work and that helped me alot, However it only covered 4 visits with a counselor.
I appreciate your empathy and knowledge on this grieving I'm goin through.
Peace and Blessings to U and yours!

Where are you located? Many states in the US will have coverage for people without private insurance..

Try the Red Cross or places similar or even some churches providing counsellors free of charge.

I have a neighbour about 2 miles away whose husband did the same thing. He was in his fifties - mid life crisis as she was told by her counsellor and many men go through it to varying degrees.

Who's to say that in time he won't regret what he's done.

I don't know how it works in the USA ~ it's free through one's GP here, or you can pay, of course, for a private consultation.

The church might be a good idea, though I have known a couple of Christians who have been very badly let down by their church when it came to personal advice, privacy, etc, etc. You have to find someone you can trust.

Just acknowledging things to yourself & to us is going to be helpful, though. Writing things down can help. Writing poetry can help. Writing a letter, venting all your feelings, and then ripping it up, can help.

There are some useful self-help books - have a look in the library.

Sometimes it's a case of sorting out your own feelings, without becoming confused by emotion. That's what counsellors often do for you. It's not a matter of giving advice but getting the person to acknowledge what is going on in his/her life and mind.

I had to do some counselling as part of my Adult Ed qualification ~ and I have had some counselling, too. The worst kind is when they tell you what to do; the best is when they show how the events in your life are making you feel as they do ~ by reflecting back your own thoughts ~ and then, perhaps, if asked, to give some suggestions or reactions.

So, to reflect back what you told us ...

It seems to me that you may ~

~ You have all sorts of questions & feelings & worries whirling around in your mind.
~ feel bereaved because of the loss of your husband
~ feel bereaved because of the loss of your friend
~ feel abandoned because he walked away from you and your child
~ feel insulted that he chose your birthday
~ feel doubly betrayed because he is with your friend
~ feel cheated because someone else is carrying his child
~ feel hurt by the pain they have caused you
~ feel that you should be able to deal with this and get over it
~ feel your emotions are out of control because you don't know how long these feelings will last
~ feel that you are without the support you need because you have lost your husband & your friend - and your family seems unable to help or understand
~ feel that you have no closure because you cannot comprehend what went wrong
~ feel that you are in turmoil, because everything you had together and had planned together has come to a sudden unexplained end
~ feel that you are scared because you don't know if you will ever have the support of a husband again and because you thought that you would never need one and finding a good trustworthy man is not easy to do
~ feel that trying to cope with housework and childcare, while exhausted by these emotions is very hard
~ feel sad, confused, grief-stricken, betrayed and so you cry, but you don't think that this is depression.
~ feel that life has gone totally awry ~ and so you feel crazy
~ feel concerned about financial matters and the fact that you don't have health insurance
~ feel pleased that people are responding to you

Now consider ...

You have had to deal with a lot; you have been let down by your husband & friend. It is not craziness to feel turmoil ~ confused, grief-stricken, needy, lonely, scared, etc, etc. It's not unusual to want to cry.

From my objective point of view I can say that your husband and friend have caused you enormous suffering, but maybe they couldn't help it. They just fell in love. He said that you were a good wife. Choosing your birthday to go was a very bad decision, but maybe he felt that he just couldn't react to you, on that special day, in the way that a loving husband would.

Now you do need someone to talk things over with. Your family says get over it, because they feel that they just can't help you. They must feel impotent. They can't take on your grief. They can't make it all better again. I can understand that they want you to move on ~ but the first anniversary of all this is not going to be an easy time to do this - especially withut help & while looking after child(ren). You may be depressed; it's not always easy to be sure and it can be helped.

As for being scared of new relationships ~ I can understand that, but do you really need to be worrying about that sort of thing just now? I have several friends & relatives who have been divorced and very happily re-married. Why not let that future take care of itself.

You are coping and have coped with all that has gone on and with the everyday mundane tasks you have to do ~ that's positive & good.

You are seeking support ~ that's positive & good.

You are looking to a future with a potential new partner ~ that's positive & good.

How many children do you have?
How are they coping?
Are the practical matters under control ~ bills, etc?

It sounds to me as if you are actually doing really well, in spite of all the pain and confusion that you have been through and are going through.

Try to be as positive as you can be, because you will get through this and things will get better and easier. Find at least one good thing to treasure every day.

Take care & good luck.

I totally understand how it feels to be hurt by a person you love. I dated a guy for 9 yrs. and it was the toughest relationship to get over. I did by dating another man. of course that ended 2 yrs later but I was over the other ex. I just put myself out there and kept myself mad instead of hurt. It is not easy. I am going thru a rough time now with fiance of 6 yrs. and we just recently moved to another state. I am lost in nc now. Good luck.