Day 13 / Forgiveness and Men

It's interesting how some topics seem easier than others. This one is a challenge for me. I wonder if it is for all women - that we all have men in our lives who have hurt us. Certainly the statistics on how often women are abused by men seem to bear that out.

I certainly want to start with the thought that a man who deliberately hurts a woman is at fault and should take responsibility for his actions.

That being said, I think in many cases the man's aim is not to hurt the woman. It's more that he, himself, is feeling upset or trapped or hurt and he makes a decision in the moment which maybe isn't the best one. He's a human. He makes an unwise choice.

In my own life, I've certainly had my "heart broken". But looking objectively at the relationship, it was not a golden-perfect relationship. It had flaws and I tried to plow on anyway. If he did not want to, then it was best for us not to be together. A relationship only works if both halves want it. Should the separation have gone better? Certainly, but again, we're all human. We all feel angst and emotions during that time and maybe don't make the best of decisions. And that's understandable.

I think of the Eleanor Roosevelt quote, 'No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.' I think the same is true for heartache. We tend to look at the action as something Man X actively forced on us and we were a helpless dandelion seed adrift in the wind. But I think in most cases it's different than that. Usually we knew it wasn't quite right. We tried to force a square shape into a round hole and the pain is that we couldn't wrest the world into our ideal vision. Maybe, instead, we should have given ourselves credit for trying our best, appreciated the good times we had, and accept that this combination simply was not meant to be. Maybe even find a way to be grateful that things ended when they did both so they did not get far worse and so we are now free to pursue the path which brings us far better joy.

I'm not saying it's easy. But I see woman after woman wallowing in angst and unhappiness months or years after a break-up, and the destruction of their body's health seems a shame. We only have one body. We only have one lifetime. We should nurture the former and treasure the latter. To destroy and lose both over something in the past that wasn't meant to be seems almost a squandering of something precious.

Lisa Shea, Owner