Getting my Boyfriend Back

Visitor's Question from a 13-15 year old Female
My boyfriend broke up with me a week ago, with the reason that he didn't feel the same way anymore. We had been going out for 11 months, were very close and did everything together. We go to school together and are in the same class and he sits beside me (up til now). Sometime during the latter part of our relationship, we started having fights and squabbles..some were big issues, others were stupid fights over nothing. Most of the time it would be my fault because I'd get annoyed easily, but we'd patch things up. But finally the fights got worse, and it was getting harder and harder to see what we had in common. This was probably because i was too demanding and suffocated him.

So last week he ended it, and i begged him to try it again with me so many times, but all he could say was 'i'm sorry i can't'. It hurt very much, and even though it doesn't hurt as bad now, I still get a twinge of pain and jealousy when I see him at school acting normal and having fun with everyone else.

We broke off on good terms and he tells me i'm his best friend. But now I don't know what to do or how to act, because in the back of my head I still love him very much and want him back. How can I make him give me another i start out as friends with him again..? Advice
OK, there are several things going on here. First, he broke up because he didn't feel the same way. That is normal! People don't feel the same way during a relationship. Their feelings come and go, are strong and less strong, are passionate at first and then change into a more mature, steady love. So it might very well be that you guys were going from the passionate phase into the more steady 'friendship' phase and he had trouble with that. Or maybe you had trouble with it too, and it was causing problems for you.

Next, the fighting. Fighting is NOT NORMAL in a relationship. Some people think it is because all they've seen are bad relationships around them. But in a GOOD relationship, the two people are best friends. Yes, sometimes they disagree. We all disagree. But when they disagree, they either talk about it, or they agree not to talk about it for a while until they can do so reasonably. Or they just agree to disagree. Once you start *fighting* you are breaking down the relationship. A relationship is founded on trust and respect. You can't trust someone who will call you names ... you can't respect someone who loses control with you. So the fact that you two were fighting is a serious indicator that one or both of you stopped respecting and trusting the other. If that was you, then he has a cause for concern and a reasonable desire not to be subjected to that sort of abuse.

If you want to get back with him you have to visibly demonstrate that these things will NOT happen again. And the only way to show him is to be his friend and to be different. Be around him, be friends, and show him that you are able to get through trouble situations without fighting and yelling. Show him that the things that bothered him about the relationship in the past are no longer an issue. You can't just "tell" him - because the trust has already been damaged. You have to *show* him.

-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at

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