Dealing with my Ex Boyfriend

Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
I have been with my exboyfriend on and of for one and a half years and we have had problems and fight but we always make up. Well lately I stated going with someone else but I was still having sex with my ex and I went ahead and told my Boyfriend at the time the truth that I had cheated on him and he broke up with me and I really cared for him and would like him back but I don't know how to get him back and besides he recently just got a new girlfriend.
And my ex boyfriend and I have been arguing even more lately because I called him my boyfriend at the times name and he was so mad then just a few days ago we became cool again and he all the sudden calls my house and calls me Michelle and I said who is Michelle and said why did you call me Michelle and he said, and so why do you care so I hung up in his face.

He called me a second later saying he was just joking with me to get my reaction and I said whatever and we started to talk again and then his line clicked and he said for me to call him back in 10 minutes so I called back and he said he'll call me back and a minute later a female calls my house and said this is michelle and she said that she was his girlfriend and she just wanted to let me know and I just hung up in her face. Then the next day he calls and says that It was a joke to get my reaction and she was just his cousin playing with me. Then a minute later Michelle calls again saying that shes sorry if she came of rude but she just wanted to let me and all his other female friends know that he's taken and she said she's not mad or anything but she just had to let me know and I hung up the phone and I was so mad because he had just lied to me about her being his cousin. He would tell me that he wants to be with me but he was really all along with her and cheating on her. And I didn't mention that I had friends of my calling his house and cussing him male and female friends.

But I just don't know what to do I really care about him and we have invested a long time into our relationship and he goes and does some stuff like this. What should I do should I just let him go and not talk to him anymore or just work it out? Or how should I try to get back with my other exboyfriend? Advice
It really sounds like you guys have an incredibly unhealthy relationship. Love is about caring for the other person, respecting their feelings, wanting to make them feel happy and cared for. It does NOT involve lying to your ex about girlfriends, tormenting your ex, having friends call your ex and harass him, cheating on boyfriends, cheating on girlfriends, fighting all the time. It sounds like a bad scene from all angles.

One and a half years is a length of time, but it's not an eternity. And if this is the sort of thing that's been going on while you guys have been together, it's really not been a relationship that has been worked on or invested in. If anything, maybe it's been a lesson in how NOT to be with a partner if you want things to work out well.

I would take a few weeks out here and really think about things. You deserve to be loved. You deserve to have someone to love. None of this should involve fighting, none of it should involve cheating, none of it should involve being nasty or hurting each other. If you think you can really *love* this other guy, be true to him and work on making things work, then I would go ahead with it. I would put your ex - the one you're harassing right now - out of your mind. Stop having friends call him, don't contact him yourself. If he calls, say you're not interested. He's already cheated on you enough.

Then when a few weeks have passed, make contact with the other guy. Once you've gone to him and promised to really be different this time around, work on it and stay with it. Finding someone you can be happy with doesn't just "happen", and the more you burn your bridges, the fewer chances you will find that you have. It takes you really and truly caring about the person you're with and working to make it work.

-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at

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