It's just so many bad things going on with me right now and I don't know what to do

Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female

I am looking for some advice and I really have nowhere else to turn. I've been with my boyfriend, well now ex boyfriend for almost 8 years now. We were once happy but the past two years have been really rough and he has changed so much. He started spending so much more time out with his friends then at home (and that doesn't include the time he is at work); he smokes weed everyday which really bothers me;(just to be completely honest, I did smoke with him on occasion but not nearly as much as him and I've been asking him to stop or cut down for years now); he hangs around people who smoke everyday as well and one of his friends in particular is very disrespectful when it comes to women and his views and opinions really started to rub off on my ex. He started treating me pretty badly, always disrespecting me in front of his friends and honestly I can't remember the last time he took me out, did anything nice for me or made me feel special at all. Prior to that we would argue about silly things because he is also irresponsible when it comes to money and paying bills and didn't help me much around the house. As for his point of view he always felt like I wanted things to be too perfect or I acted too grown, and I do admit I may have been a little hard on him, it's just that we have a 3 year old now and ever since he was born things have gotten more stressful and I really wanted more help from him. I am self-employed and work at home now but up until early this year I always worked outside of the home too and even working at home is tough and time consuming but it's like he expected me to be some kind of super woman and take care of everything. Then when I gave up on having the house spotless or all the laundry being done, he didn't care at first but then he started complaining and would say I didn't do anything all day. He was rude to me a lot and I started being rude back to him too. When he would stay out till the sun came up I'd be home worried and when I'd ask questions he hated that because either his story didn't make sense or the answers would upset me. I would try to express how unacceptable it was but he would just get angry back at me and we would start arguing. Then I stopped trusting him and not wanting him to go out or I would ask questions before he left and this made things worse because he thought I was trying to control him. I feel he brought it on himself though by being out so much and never coming home when he said he would. I just wanted him to do me right and I wanted to work things out with him but at the time I didn't know that he just didn't want to be in a relationship anymore. He never expressed this to me though and I always thought he loved me so much and that we could work through anything. The tention between us kept getting worse and anger started building in him too because he doesn't like to communicate much and I am an over communicator so I guess it was driving him crazy. At one point he told me he didn't love me anymore and didn't care if I dated other people and so I finally got fed up and started dating someone else casually that I met when I was out with a girlfriend. At the same time he started staying at his friends house and not coming home at all, threatening to move out permanently and so I invited the guy over to hang out and watch a movie. This made my ex really mad so he came over and started a bunch of drama and kicked the guy out, then told me he loved me and would never leave me again but I know now it was all just jealousy. Then things got worse and I was called a cheating whore and he would say other mean things that would make me cry. I started crying so much. I have to say that judging by the first 5 years he is a decent guy, I say that because he was always there when I truly needed him, he used to be very caring and loving, he's always held a job, he even got his degree a few years ago and is now very dedicated to his profession and works long hours. He's a real good dad too. He's away a lot but he does come by and play with him after work many days, puts him to bed and spends time with him on his day off. I know he's a really good guy deep down which is why I hold on but he's just changed so much and unfortunately I really let it take a toll on me emotionally and became very depressed and emotional. I also tend to get loud and upset when we argue which he hates and I know that's not right I'm just so hurt because he used to be so good to me and then he just started being horrible to me but all I wanted was to be happy with him. He says he can't stand to see me that way and doesn't want to treat me bad so that's why he doesn't want to talk to me or be around me at all. He's my best friend though and even though I've only mentioned the bad times we've had so many good times too. He recently broke up with me for good because of the fact that we argue a lot, it's ironic though because the ONLY thing we ever argue about now is him never being here for me or hurting his sons feelings by not showing up some nights when he is expecting him, stuff like that. But the days when he comes over after work, plays with his son, is nice to me and talks about something other then leaving we get along so GREAT and it really makes me happy because I remember the sweet guy I used to know. All the bad stuff seems to disappear from my mind for a short time which is really nice cause I'm going through so much right now. He always said the things that upset me so much about him were valid, but he wasn't able to change for the better, it only got worse and sometimes he blames it on me because he said he wasn't happy for a long time but unfortunately never really told me that until recently. I agree it was time to split but it's still very difficult and I am very emotional about the breakup. To make things worse I'm stressed out because he left me with a mortgage that I can't pay on my own so now I am losing my house and not sure where I'm going to go. Yes the house is in my name because his credit wasn't too good at the time when our apartment lease was up. Initially he was a little worried about getting the house rather then renting another apartment, but the only fear he expressed was the difficulties of taking care of a house or the financial responsibilities if something breaks down etc., which he was right about that but these were just comments he made and he never really stressed them to me. When he came to look at the house he loved it, he was so excited about it and especially excited about having a garage (he is a mechanic) and a big yard for our son to play in. I know it was stupid of me especially because the house is in my name only, but we were together for so long, I really thought I knew him and I never in a million years would have thought he would leave me and take no responsibility for the financial obligations here or at least help me to rent or sell the house before bailing. Now I'm broke, my credit is all messed up and I have to figure out where I'm going to live that I can afford on my own for me and my son. This also all started happening just after I started back at school and things got so out of control that I had to put it on hold once again, so yes I am a little bitter since I supported him in every way while he was in school and I thought he would take care of me and do the same for me. We had a child though right before he graduated so I couldn't go back right away and then all these problems started. I also got in a car accident and my license is now suspended, my step father was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and the doctors say he has less then one week to live, and to top things off I'm 8 weeks or so pregnant with his second child and he acts like he could care less. We used condoms everytime so I don't think he believed me at first but I took a pregnancy test and after that he still acted like he didn't care. This is pretty shocking because like I said he's a great dad to our son. He told me everyday to get an abortion, which that might be best but I have moral issues with that and he knows it. I understand that he's worried about my health and the babies health because I am emotional right now, depressed at times and I also have cervicitis which makes it a high risk pregnancy for 12+ weeks until I can get treated. I'm still not sure if he's being honest though about his reasons for wanting me to have an abortion. I pretty much think he doesn't want the inconvenience of being here for me or having another child with a woman he doesn't want to be with. Again, understandable but I made my decision and his continuously pushing me to kill my child hurt more then anything else he had ever done. It's just so many bad things going on with me right now and I don't know what to do. I try to be so overly nice to him and be decent eachother for the sake of our son and the one on the way, but it doesn't change anything he's still just cold as ever to me. Well, I started bleeding pretty badly the other day and I thought I was having a miscarriage. Shockingly he actually took me to the Hospital but he didn't come in or anything and went right back to work after that. They told me I might be having a miscarriage and to come back to get my hcg levels tested in a few days. I was in so much pain the other night and I asked him to come by and be here with me but he wouldn't. I ended up taking myself to the Hospital and they gave me some high milligram motrin for the pain. They also said my hcg levels were going up so I haven't had a miscarriage, it's just cervical bleeding and if I can make it past 12 weeks without miscarrying then I can be treated and I will be fine. But they said I need to reduce as much stress as possible and completely stay off my feet. Again, I've asked him to be here for me and explained why but he says no because he doesn't want to be with me. He says I should just call my mom, who by the way lives an hour away and is an emotional wreck because her husband is dying. I don't know anyone in this area and the close friends I had all moved out of state. My sister works and goes to school and she also lives an hour away. I have support by phone but I feel that this is his child and he should be here for me. I also feel through times like this with other emotional things going on in my life he would reach out to me but he hasn't. When I try to talk to him about it he gets angry and it makes things worse he even said he was starting to think of me as an enemy because I won't leave him alone. Any advice or support you can give me would be much appreciate and I'd also like to know if I'm wrong and expecting this from him when I shouldn't be. I feel like the world is caving in on me everything is going wrong and I could really use some advice. Thanks so much.

Sad, Lonely and Confused in Illinois Advice
I am very sorry you are in this situation.

My advice may seem too much for you to add to your burden, but think of it as a short term investment to solve a long term problem. And, you may not like some of the advice.

First and foremost, start seeing a counselor who can help you work your way through this mess. It will cost money but you have to do it.

Second, contact a realtor and sell your house. Remember, it's a seller's market and you are in really good shape about selling it.

Third, when your step-dad dies, give your mother some time to recover and then tell her you are selling your house. Hopefully she will end up offering to take you and your offspring in with her.

Fourth, contact a lawyer (most will give you the first meeting free), and ask for help in collecting money from your ex. He owes you big time for what he has helped create.

I realize this is a lot to do when you are under such stress, but it will work out to your advantage.

Best of luck!

-- from George
One of Your Friendly Advisors at

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