We Dated for Five Years, Married in April, Divorced in October

Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
I recently got married in April, and in October he wanted out. We are actually going through all the divorce matters. Well last week we went to court and it was just very awkward not speaking, so afterwards I went to his house and we talked for about an hour. Had a great conversation, talked about everything, goofed around, laughed, kissed a few times, held each other, just really nice....we thought it was funny cause we had just went to court, and we both even said we dont know what the future holds....

ok well this past week, he has been calling my phone everyday. And I mean everyday, just about something. A question, to tell me something, just has called. Thursday night me and a couple friends just played with him a little. I was at their house and he called so I had my friends husband answer the phone, well they did their thing, and before I knew it my husband was at my house wondering who it was, he was like oh this isnt jealousy or anything i was just curious, and then he said something about a lame question he just wanted answered, i was like you came all this way for that? He was like uh yeah!

Ok well he called again last night and told me to call back, I didnt just cause I was sick.....but whats the deal? Do you think he is acting like someone who wants to work things out and is just taking his time....I guess Im just getting mixed signals. We are getting along very well lately, I even wrote him a letter last week letting him know how I felt, a really sweet to the point letter, and was just going to leave it at that....so I guess that didnt scare him off, but I figured if he wanted to make something of it then he will, and if he truly loves me then he will be back. So let me know what you think?

Do you think he's starting to act like he feels he is making a mistake? We have been together for 5 years, dating, and like I said just got married in April! Thanks for your time!

RomanceClass.com Advice
If you were together for 5 years you'd already gone through thick and thin and easy and hard together. So it wasn't the way you two worked together I would assume. What happens a lot when people get married is that they have years and years of expectations built up in their brains that they don't even realize.

You spend your entire lifetime growing up and dreaming of being a bride or groom, and what you'll look like and what it'll be like. So when you finally cross that line and ARE a bride or a groom, you expect things to POOF now be like your dreams. And sure, you can say that things will be the same, but really, your brain clicks into a new gear. Now he's not your "boyfriend", he's your "husband". And now your ideas of what he should do and act and so on are sort of different.

So it sounds like your relationship must have changed a bit after you were married - probably not even on purpose. Maybe you started being a bit different, being a married woman. Maybe it changed the way you thought about things a bit. Maybe his brain changed too - now he thought of himself as a "husband" and "trapped for a lifetime". Maybe he looked at you and before he would think "Sexy Girlfriend!" and now he thought "Jeez, she's my Old Lady."

TV and movies don't help much. They always play up how cool boyfriends and girlfriends are, and they always put down husbands as stupid and wives as nagging. So they reinforce the whole thing.

In any case, he's calling you a ton. He's showing he misses you and has interest. I would sit down with him and talk about WHAT changed between the 5 yrs together and the few months married. I doubt either of you had a giant change of personality. But maybe *something* changed and it scared him. Maybe it was all in his brain, but even that is a valid change. So talk about it. Maybe you guys can be just as happy as before if you stay boyfriend-girlfriend and avoid all of the marriage stress. It's been known to happen!

-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com

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