Doesn't want to risk friendship

Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Male
Firstly, appologies for such a long question, I tried to condense it down.

I have known this woman (weíll call her J for easy reading) since we were both in school five years ago. The first year we met I had a crush on her, but was too shy to do anything. The second year we became really good friends we got to know each other and always had a good time. Occasionally our close friendship would get in the way with her boyfriends as they tended to get jealous of our friendship, and I always felt bad that I was getting in the way of her happiness.

It was in the last year of school when I became close friends with a different, younger, girl (hence known as K), we grew close and it became very apparent that we both had feelings for each other. I was still very shy, and so didnít have a lot of experience with girls, so I said that I didnít want to ruin our friendship and things became extremely awkward as we tried to be friends again. Later that year my father died of cancer, and as could be expected I was extremely depressed. I became addicted to pain killers and tried to commit suicide on one occasion. It was a terribly dark time in my life, and I looked to K for support. It was a terrible mistake as I put too much pressure on her, and because of my constant down mood, she decided that it was best we didnít talk to each other anymore. Naturally I was very upset, but blamed myself for burdening her with problems that I should have been able to handle myself. All through this however J never stopped being a close friend, though this may be because I kept all of the problems I had to myself (and still have to this day). I didnít want to lose another close friend because I couldnít deal on my own.

The past two years J and I were apart a lot, she went to university and I got a job. We drifted, but tried to keep in contact, though it could go months without hearing from her. I didnít want to keep sending her emails and phoning her as I didnít want to invade the life she was making for herself.

Fast forward three years (to the present time), and J is now back from university. She had a quite a messy break up with her boyfriend she met at uni and is now single. Because we live in different towns an hours drive from each other (and only I can drive) we talk a lot on MSN, and every now and then on the phone. I still donít like to call as Iím worried I would be interrupting her. In this past few weeks we have slowly been building our close friendship back up again. We met up and went shopping, had lunch in a restaurant and then went back to her house (we are both living with a parent) and just hung out, talked, watched TV. It doesnít seem like a lot, but I had a really good time, for an afternoon I was really happy, she said she had a good time too. After that day I havenít slept properly or been able to eat a thing and Iím constantly shaking (even while I write this). Just last night we again met up, went to the cinema to see what was supposed to be quite a romantic comedy (her choice) and then we again when back to her house and talked and sat on the sofa watching TV. It was getting quite late and she wanted to go to bed so I excused myself and went home.

Iím finding myself constantly thinking about her. I get slight pangs of jealousy when she texts, or talks on the phone to her friends (male or female). We have a lot of fun together. We ďgetĒ each other. We both have issues with people invading our ďpersonal spaceĒ, but are quite happy to hug each other. We are both very different people however; sheís outgoing, has lots of friends, more sociable and a lot more experience when it comes to intimate relationships. Where as I am still closed, reserved, shy and awkward.

So now Iím really confused. Do I have feelings for my best friend that extend beyond close friendship? Or do I just crave the human contact? Whatever it is, itís really screwing me up. I need a way to get through this, without scaring off a good friend. Advice
Let things stay the way they are now. You are not ready to start a more intimate relationship with J unless she initiates it. It sounds like you are forming an attachment to her but it isn't well defined yet.

During all your troubles, you probably were put on medication to help you make it thru the dark times. If you are still taking them, you should ask your doctor for advice concerning the shaking.

Enjoy what you have as it will help you feel better about yourself and your loss.

Best of luck!

-- from George
One of Your Friendly Advisors at

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