He left me for his ex, married her, and still calls me?
Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
I dated this guy for 6 months. We saw each other every single day and when we weren't together we were talking on the phone. He was the aggresor in this relationship. He did everything in his power to meet me and even went as far as to ask someone who knew as an acquaintance to hook us up. We, as I have said, started dating and I kept some distance between us because I was afraid to get hurt.
Finally, after many times of him telling me to get closer to him and that he'd never hurt me (famous last words) I got close and told him how much I cared. Things seemed great until one day he tells me that his ex girlfriend called him and he's confused but had to be honest with me about her call. He had some "unreslved issues" and couldn't move forward with me or anyone until he resolved these issues. He told me he thought I was this perfect package and was afraid that if he went to her "where I've been before" I could be gone. He said he was torn.
Well for about a month I cried and waited for him to resolve the issues. I figured that he would ultimately return because it was such a great relationship...I even met his son and his family and friends and he met my children and friends as well......(a huge step for me) Through the break up time we still communicated on the phone and he maintained that he was confused and that he thinks of me often. And then I tell him that "if it's over and you're not coming back just tell me" his response...."I can't say that"
Well, six days later, I hear he is getting married. I just about died. We talked, he says he felt he was "drawn" to his ex and "had to do it" He said "I don't know if I have done the right thing or not but I can't have a relationship with anyone if I don't do this" He wouldn't tell me when he was getting married but about a month later I heard thru the grapevine he was getting married in November(4 months after our breakup). Once I heard this and as much as it was killing me inside, I had to let go....and for the most part I did.....at least with my head I did.
One month after he gets married and I have begun to try to move forward, he leaves a message on my machine wishing me a merry Xmas and asks for me to page him that night..........I didn't. But one week later he emails me telling me that he left me a message on my machine a week ago and didn't know if I got the message but would be calling me so that we could "catch up". I still don't respond. He finally catches me on the phone and says he needs to talk to me but it has to be in person.
I am of course hesitant but I must admit, rather weak when it comes to him. I still love him. We meet in a public place and he tells me that he wants us to be friends and that he didn't mean to hurt me and that he wants me to be happy. He wants us to be friends and I tell him "if you truly care about me then you'll leave me alone" "let me find my own happiness" And that "I can't be your friend right now because it just hurts too much"
He tells me he will respect that and will not contact me anymore. He says " I care about you so much" And when I was just about to say goodbye, I asked "why did dyou get married so fast?? That's all I want to know?" His response......."It was a knee jerk reaction",,,,,,,,, what the hell does that mean??
I still love him, more than even I knew.........I don't know what to do to get thru this nor do I know why he keeps trying to contact me now that he's married. Is he regretting his decision?? Should I sit by the sidelines and just be his friend and wait??
Why do I still want him back?? I just want to do the right thing. I miss him terribly but I still want to do the "right" thing.
H E L P!!!
It really sounds like this is a guy that can't make a commitment, and can't be honest. He had feelings for this other woman. He dated you and pined for her. He then decided to keep you both around until he decided which of you was "best". He married her as a "knee-jerk reaction"?? That has got to be one of the stupidest reasons I've ever heard for swearing to be faithful to one person for the rest of your entire lifetime.
And now that he's done that he's calling you and wanting to keep you around as "backup". Which means he's already betraying his wife by having thoughts of other women "just in case".
This definitely sounds like a man to move out of your life. Even if for some reason he broke up with his ex, you could never trust him to stay with you and not to have other women on the side "just in case". Yes, you love him, he undoubtedly has some good traits. But the honesty, betrayal and lack of commitment are very, very serious. Give yourself time to get over him. It'll take a while and it'll be painful. But in the end you'll be free and clear to find a new, wonderful boyfriend, and he will be someone you can love, trust, and be with for years without any fears or issues. You're worth that real, true soulmate.
-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com
Speak Your Mind - Share your Thoughts on this Question!
All Advice in the category - Breakup Issues
Browse our Answer Database
- Browse Answers by Question Category
- Browse Answers by Age Group
- Browse Answers by Date of Response
Please read through the advice on this site before you Submit your Own Question
! We have thousands of pages of valuable advice that can immediately help you with your situation.