My Ex is Cheating on Me and Cheating on his New Lover

Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Male
I want my ex back!!! I'd like to know how I can get him back. I have checked out your tips and almost all the q/a. I still need more help. I've mourned our parting but want him back. He is with someone else now. Now it will be totally impossible to get him back. We talk every three to four days. I don't want anyone to get hurt but I know what I want.

I'm a 25 year old male. I have been dating this much older man of 36 for three years. He was married before. He has two beautiful children who I adore and love like they were my own.

We love each other we had a good honest relationship.
There were problems espacially with his ex-wife and psycho ex-boyfriend.
In the summer he went on a business trip . I knew he met someone there.

A week later my ex tells me he is going through something and he can't see me. He won't tell me until I pull teeth to get him to tell me he met a younger buff guy and they are seeing each other. I drop into depression I couldn't eat or sleep .I lost it. A week before my good friend died and my best friend (his wife) leaves the country because of her loss and grief. We still talked after that once a week. the calls have been getting more frequent. We have phone sex weekly (is that cheating). He explained he loves me. He wants to think about what he will do with this new guy but doesn't want to hurt him because he is nice. He said "I can't ask you to wait but if could that would good". Ever since he found out that I met someone older than him, my ex has been calling me more and asking all these questions.

Last week I go over to his house and we end up in bed,we go for dinner after. My ex says he doesn't trust him and it's not so serious but he is there 6 days a week . That's the reason that he gave for cheating with me on his boyfriend. Also he said if he didn't love me he wouldn't have sex with me. He told me the only person he sees himself getting married to was me. He wants me to come over again but I feel like a whore and I'm not even getting my man back. He called me today on his birthday when his boyfriend was sleeping. Then he called back when he went the washroom then again when he was downstairs.

Why would he cheat with me if he told me this guy makes him happy. What is he trying to do?
How should I be with him now that we had sex?
I told him I met this guy and then he got jealous?
He wants to have a threesome with this guy that I met what should I do, he seems very jealous about him?
He's lying to his boy, is he lying to me?
I don't want to feel stepped on or used?
Why is he still keeping in contact with me?
Finally how can I gain the upper hand in this situation?
I love him dearly and now it seems we won't get back together.

I don't know what I'm going to do. I screwed up big time HELP!HELP!HELP please! Sorry it's so long. Advice
This guy is using BOTH of you. First off, he cheated on you with this buff guy. Then when he realized that maybe the buff guy wasn't all he was cut out to be, he cheated on the buff guy with you. Now he's cheating on both of you with the other guy and lying to both of you.

Look, he is an adult. If he wanted to be with you, he would be! And if he was really happy with the buff guy he wouldn't keep you around on the side. He's unwilling to make a decision, he wants his cake and to eat it too. It's just like the married guy who starts sleeping with his secretary. He wants the steady love of his 'current partner' (usually wife, in this case you) - and he ALSO wants the exciting hotness of a young sexy creature (in this case Mr. Buff). He puts his own selfish needs before the stability of the relationship or your concerns or anything else.

So what happens if you drag him away from Mr. Buff? He's already proven that he's happy to hop in the sack when something sexy entices him. You two are only going to get older. That's what happens. The sexy young things are only going to look more sexy. If he's the type of individual that chases them for selfish lustful reasons, then he's going to chase another one - and maybe the next time you'll find out or maybe you won't. Maybe the next time he'll catch a disease and give it to you without warning you. You were lucky this time around.

I know it's always hard to give up on an ex, but it's not like this is a kind, honest, forthright ex you're talking about that got "dragged across the country by a military obligation" or something. He willingly CHEATED on you. He then willingly lied to you AND to his current partner. That doesn't bode well for any future relationship with him.

Give yourself time and space away from him. If he decides *on his own* to break it off and come be with you, it's a start. But if he doesn't, it won't work.

-- from Lisa
One of Your Friendly Advisors at

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