As time has gone on I have felt more and more alone.

Visitor's Question from a 41-50 year old Female
I have been with the same man for 25 years and married to him for the past 23 years. We have raised four beautiful, moral children, (now all over 20 years old) all whom of which no longer live at home.

I had thought that when the kids left that my husband and I could begin to refocus on our relationship. My husband totally loves the fact that I take care of him, the house, etc. However, he hasn't wanted to have sex with me -- even though I am not overweight and am told by many that I am attractive, pretty, etc.

About four years ago my husband would only have sex with me maybe once or twice a year. I have tried to seduce him, talk to him, beg him and, in desperation, I have even offered to pay him to get him to touch me. We recently had sex for the first time in a year to celebrate our anniversary. It lasted all of three minutes.

My husband has always had some type of chemical addition during our relationship. For the first several years it was with pot -- he finally gave that up about ten years ago, but compensated with drinking. Though he doesn't drink day in/day out, he does go on drinking binges (8+ beers per evening, every evening) -- his last binge lasted four months and during that time he will tell me I am dumb, unattractive, etc.; he spends money like we have it and makes life just plain miserable. Then when my husband is not drinking or drinking lightly -- he can be fun, not insulting and can control his spending.

On the one hand, even without sex, my husband can be a wonderful person to be with, hang out with, but when he goes on his binges he is awful. I have told him that his dependancies have always been the other woman in our lives --

As time has gone on I have felt more and more alone. I finally could not stand to be alone anymore. I contacted my first love from high school and met him for dinner. Even though we are worlds different with one another -- about 360 degrees different, he and I hit it off very well and have been seeing each other for several months. My husband didn't seem to notice if I didn't come home at night (though I had wished he would have). Finally, I got a small apartment and I left my husband. My husband is now willing to go to marriage counseling (at least for the moment) and I am agreeing to go with him. But I am not ready to tell him about my 'friendship' nor am I willing to give it up at this point, in the event that my husband doesn't try.

Help me. I feel like two people! Advice
I understand where you are completely. I was married to my husband for 11 years and his addiction was work. So I raised the 4 kids alone and I was so lonely. So I too left him. It was a tough, rocky time.

Counselling sounds like a good idea, but unfortunately, people don't change. You have set ways of relating to your husband that has taken 23 years to grow, and 'ungrowing' those patterns will be incredibly difficult. You husband is no doubt very sincere in his efforts to change, because he finally realizes that he's on the brink of losing you. But why didn't he wake up earlier? He didn't want to see your side of things. I personally don't see that he will be the person you want him to be. Perhaps I'm wrong. I hope I'm wrong. But I've seen it too many times where it's a quick turnaround but then the old behaviors kick in again.

I would suggest that you go to counselling yourself to talk out these feelings you have and get an objective view on what you really want out of life and what you are willing to sacrifice to get it. Whichever path you choose, you will be a happier, whole person.

I wish you the best.


-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at

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