I still love him but am uncertain and fearful

Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
Hi all!
I was in a relationship with a caucasion guy who is the ideal and perfect partner in life. While in the relationship for 3 and a half years, I became dependant on him and neglected most my friends and buried myself more into him and my studies at college. All I had done in my life was study. My parents were against the whole idea about asian going out with a caucasion and this had put a lot of pressure on me during those years. My feelings for this guy were never constant, i always had times where i felt i was madly in love with him and times when i felt the feeling was absent. I was wondering if anyone out there can tell me whether this is what love is, that is if you have moments where you are absolutely in love with your partner and moments you feel absence of loving him. I would never think about cheating on him, but was always confused as to why I didnt feel love for him sometimes. Is this what a relationship and marriage should be like? I broke up with because I felt so miserable about my unstable feelings for him, not missing him when he went away for 1 month, my parents pressure about there ideal asian partner and I wanted to start living a well balanced life with study and friends.
He didnt restrict me from meeting girl friends and 'hanging' but he made it so easy for me to take him for granted because I knew he loved me so much and he'd do anything in the world to let me have it my way. At times I just felt scared because he loved me so much yet I felt my love for him appeared to be weaker than his.
After 3 months of breaking up, I want him back in my life because I still love him but am uncertain and fearful of myself because of the unstable feeling of love returning. I hurt him so much that he is now reluctant to get back with me because of the unstable feelings of love and becuase I have failed to show him I am now independant and living a balanced life like I said I was out to do(which is my fault because I am still fearful of failing to make freinds and failing in college and haven't attempted it yet.) Please share your thoughts and opinion about the normality of unstable feelings of love within marrige and relaionships in general, that would be most helpful to me right now. Thank you for your time.

Confused 21yo

RomanceClass.com Advice
Any relationship has its ups and downs, and changing feelings just goes along with the territory. It sounds like you do love this man and want him back in your life. So long as the two of you are committed to building the relationship, then things will all work out. But you need to be able to open up to him and share all of you, not just bits and pieces.

I'm making this leap on how you are in your relationship because the other issue you have is taking charge of your life. You aren't grabbing at life because you fear failure. I can understand this, but you are going to reduce your enjoyment in life by being too afraid to take on challenges. This may well be why you're not able to commit to your exboyfriend, because you're afraid of fully committing to him.

I wish you the best.

-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com

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