Winter Break with a High School Sweetheart

Visitor's Question from a 13-15 year old Female
In late April of 02 I began seeing this really nice guy. I had been single for almost a year because I was so heartbroken by a previous serious relationship, I couldn't handle another.. but Bobby changed that and being with him felt so right. He has just gotten out of a long stressful 2 year relationship a couple months earlier, so initially he didn't want to be in a serious relationship. However, as the time we spent together went on, we both liked each other so much that we decided to make it official in late May. The relationship was great... we were both very very happy and stayed that way.

Both of us were heading off to our first year of college in the fall, and he decided that we break it off to experience. (not my choice). Our colleges are about an hour away from each other. It hurt a lot because I was so happy and I had fallen in love with him. I did't think it or know it at the time, but I definitely did. I knew he didn't want to do it because the last day before we left for school, he came over and he just held me--and he didn't breathe a word about breaking up that night until before he left my house, as we were hugging good-bye, I asked him "So is this when we break up?" All he did was nod and he mumbled into my shoulder in his embrace "uh-huh."

I was so upset that he never talked to me about it, because I thought I might have had a chance. He told me he didn't know what to do in the situation because he really liked me and he had never broken up with anyone in that way before.

Anyway, that's some background information. We've been broken up since the beginning of September and I still miss him so much. I have hooked up with a couple guys to try to get my mind off of him and move on, but I can' only makes me miss him more. I am currently on my Christmas break and so is he--we're going to be home for a month. I really miss him and I want him back so badly. I don't want to look desparate because I know that might drive him away. Are there any actions, or approaches to the whole situation that I could use to make it possible. Advice
You're in a very, very common situation. And it would have been hard on you no matter which way you chose to handle it. Lots of relationships try to last long distance and fail, often with one person 'falling into' a new relationship at school and the other person being heartbroken. Other people try to artificially break up because of the distance and then pine after each other. Then another group artificially breaks up and then realize quickly that it was for the best because there were so many other new, interesting and immediately-accessible people in their college.

So it's all a random chance if any given solution will work. It could be that if you two *tried* to stay together, that you'd have been miserable, because you never got to see each other, you'd be jealous of anyone else that your partner ran into, you'd wish you were free to just "have fun", and that one of you might have fallen into a compromising situation and the whole thing turned into a nightmare.

So think of it in this way - you tried the separation, and found that even *given* the choice of having "local boys", you still thought of your distant ex. So in a way you have proven to yourself that your ex WAS meaningful to you, even though you were *free* to persue other choices.

So now the question is if your ex has discovered the same thing. It could be very likely that he has - that he went to college "free", and got over the whole rush of "exciting college life" and realized that really, you are still the special one in his life. Having this knowledge now, after a few months of college, is FAR more valuable and meaningful than simply "assuming" that before you even stepped foot into the full college lifestyle.

So go into a meeting with him with new, open eyes. Don't go in saying "I must have you!" Instead, arrange to have dinner with him some evening, and talk to him about you DID explore the wild, free nature of college life, you saw what guys were there, you got settled. But that after all of that, you realize what a special person he is, and you appreciate him even more.

That way he sees this as a a continuation of your relationship. It's not that he was "bad" at breaking it up before and now you have to figure out what to do with the pieces. Instead, it's that your relationship started out great, he "smartly" chose to give you each your freedom to determine your own hearts choices, and that it has made your relationship even more strong. That now it is about two people, with free hearts and full knowledge of the world, who actively choose each other as the person to be with.

Many, many people date long distance, and a hour apart doesn't even count!! Heck, most people commute an hour to WORK ever day, never mind to see a boyfriend or girlfriend. That's a NORMAL drive to see someone. So if he is now of the same mind as you are, I'd connect back up and start seeing each other. Sure, it requires an effort to stay in touch. But *all* relationships do. You two are just more aware of that.

Good luck!

-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at

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