After 3 years, he drops me, takes me back, and drops me again

Visitor's Question from a 13-15 year old Female
Me and my boyfriend had been dating for 3 years and we're now 20. A few months ago he said that something felt different and he broke up with me. I was so hurt that he would do that to me and I cried all the time until he started calling me again.

A month after breaking up with me he said that it was a huge mistake and would do whatever to get back together with me. So we started hanging out again but I didn't want to rush anything because I was so afraid of being hurt again. So about two weeks ago we've become more than friends, kissing, saying I love you and him promising to wait for me.

A few days ago, something changed with him, he was acting strange...finally I got it out of him that he had changed his mind again and didn't want to go out with me. And to top it off, he's seeing someone else.

I can't believe he would do this to me, like he's just forgotten about the last 3 years together...he says it's because I made him wait too long but I think he just found some pretty girl. I don't know what to do because I feel like I really need him but at the same time, he keeps hurting me. Is it best to take down the pictures, push away the memories and move on or should I try to be friends? I want to be friends cause I can't imagine not having him there but he really hurt me. I'm scared of losing what we had and not being happy or not being able to find someone else. People say I deserve better but at the same time I'm scared for him to not be at least my friend. Help!! I just want to be happy again. Thanks for your advice Advice
It really sounds like a few months ago he met this other girl. He'd gone through the 'loss of lust' in the relationship with you, wanted that rush again, and never bothered to talk with you about finding fun with you. So instead he let his relationship with you lapse, and then got excited about this other girl.

So he left you, but then realized that he missed you and wasn't sure yet about the other girl. So he tried to get you back. But he didn't let the other girl go, just in case. And when he realized that the relationship with you would actually require effort (as all relationships do) he decided this other girl was better - even though of course after the lust wears off with HER he'll have to put in effort with her. At which point undoubtedly he'll cheat on her and head off with a new woman, because that's the only technique he understands.

Definitely, he seems to be unable to communicate well. If he just decides one day "Oh sorry I don't want to be here any more" without working with you SERIOUSLY on things first after 3 years, that's pretty bad. And for him to take you back and then say "Oh sorry I like someone else" is even worse.

If you are only 20, you WILL FIND SOMEONE ELSE. There are trillions of men on the planet, and you have already learned a valuable lesson about what to avoid. There are many, many men out there who would be completely thrilled to have someone that appreciates honesty and loyalty. Yes, it would be nice to be friends with your ex, but give yourself some time to heal and him some time to hopefully grow up.

In the meantime, take care of YOU. Take long bubble baths, go out with friends, go do the hobbies you really enjoy. Concentrate on the fact that YOU are a great person and deserve to enjoy life. Go to movies, go skiing, go swimming, read your favorite books, whatever it is that you like to do. Realize how much FUN life can be! I bet you in 2-3 months you'll be much, much happier, be with a new, fun guy and realize just how good life CAN be when someone is actively caring for you and working on the relationship.

Good luck!

-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at

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