The relationship is over, but how do I move on?

Visitor's Question from a 31-40 year old Female
I am 35 years old and I have been with my husband for going on 16 years. It has been a very difficult relationship with more than its share of ups and downs. He is an alcoholic and my way of dealing with it was to always find someone else to make me feel better. After a separation we reconciled. He is drinking again but not as much although has definitely crossed the line on a couple of occasions. I have been seeing someone else for 6 months and we are in love. He is all I think about. He and my husband are very different people. I cringe when my husband even touches me. I get tired of even listening to him talk. I believe that I'm still in my marriage because I know people will think badly of me, my kids included, but also because of the financial nightmare that would surely follow the end of my marriage. What do I do. Advice
It sounds like you know the marriage is over. It's just a matter of working out the details and gaining the strength to move on. You are concerned with what others will think of you... but I don't think it's as much a worry as you might think, divorce is so common now, it's almost expected.

Your kids want you happy. I can guarantee that. They're not stupid, even the youngest of your kids knows that this is not a happy relationship. They may not want to have you divorce because it's a new, unfamiliar situation, but in the long run, and even in the medium run, they will appreciate that you're happier.

It's best if you figure out your finances now so that you have a good plan for when you move out. Figure out how much you need to make, if you're not working now, and figure out how it's going to be spent. You might surprise yourself to find that yes, you can live without your husband and survive.

You're in the middle right now, but there is an end to this that will leave you in a better place. Talking with a counsellor might give you some balance and insight into what your stress is and how to deal with it. You have al ong road ahead but I have confidence that you will make it.

Good luck and let us know how it's going.

-- from Marc
One of Your Friendly Advisors at

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