is there hope?

Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
I have been involved with my boyfriend for the past 5 months, we had both recently come out of long term relationships when we met, so we decided to take it slowly and make sure we didnt jump into anything too serious too soon. Well Basically to sum up my feelings, i had never met someone who had surprised and challenged me so much before. He shook my world to the core and scared the s### out of me in terms of how i felt for him. In many respects my boyfriend is unlike guys i have dated in the past, i felt like for the first time in my life i was entering into an adult mature relationship. At the same time i felt petrified this guy would break my heart. I was scared to open up, and i played my cards close to my chest. I knew how i felt but was too scared to talk about it, for fear of vunerability. He always said how he felt, half jokingly, with silly remarks thrown in. One day he told me it was up to me to say "the big thre words" because he made all the first moves and it was my turn to make one for a change..Well the pressure i felt was immense. I wanted the right time, the right place, everything, i knew i wanted to say it, just needed to take the leap of faith at the right moment.
Well to cut a long story short, the other day we had a discussion in which he told me felt i was negative towards him, i never told him my emotions, never showed him i cared, never indicated i was bursting to be with him. He then said he couldnt tell me all of this and then be able to believe that from here on in our relationship would be the same. If i changed my behaviour then it means i changed because i felt i needed to for him, and if i didnt id still be upsetting him with my negativity. Basically i spent the entire night on the phone hysterically crying and telling him id do anything to fix whatevers happened, id do anything to make it work, that he only need say what and id do it. He kept saying its going to do his head in everytime im nice now, because he feels its only because he said what he said.
Since that day we have had 2 more arguments, with me ending in sobbing tears again. Each time i tell him i love him and i dont want to lose him and id do anything to make it work, but i dont know if we have gotten ourselves into a cycle that is destructive and damaging. He keeps saying he wishes he never told me how he felt, while i am glad he opened up to me. Nobody has ever been able to reduce me to desperate tears before in my life, I told him everything i had wanted to over the last few months, as well as my reasons for being scared and worried. Im scared he will never believe anything about my emotions from here on in, wish i hadnt been scared to open up, i wish i could have been honest about my feelings before he told me what he told me. I keep trying to be reassuring and that i just want to be with him so badly, is there hope? Advice
Yes, there's hope.
He's crazy in love with you, and you are with him. There's definitely hope.

He needs to come to understand that his discussion with you was exactly the opening that you needed in order to open up to him. It's not that you're saying it because he wants to hear it, he should know by now that you don't work that way. And it's a shame that this trauma's ruining things for you now, and I hope in the long run that he turns around, and I believe he will. He just needs to believe that you're not saying these things to keep him around.

Good luck with it, let us know how it works out.

-- from Marc
One of Your Friendly Advisors at

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