I Love Her - She Doesn't Love Me

Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Male
My ex and I have been together for nine years, through college, grad school, and then lived together for the last three years. On multiple occasions I asked her to get married, but she said she wasn't sure I was the one. That didn't help the relationship. I guess things got stale and we both started treating each other bad, in addition her new friends were telling her she should try a single sex-in-the city life.

One day she announced she was moving out. I helped her move, set her new place up, and in 3 months we were back together... for a week... Last year I took her on a romatic getaway trip, but when we came back, she stopped talking to me, and later I found out she was sleeping with a co-worker guy. I lost 35 pounds in 2 week, couldn't sleep and eat, it was like the world was about to end. I called her, sent her postcards, flowers, and wrote her a 12-page letter asking her to come back. She never said she won't, she just said she needed more time. Things continued like this until we met and I said - you have a week to let me know if we are gonna be back together. She said she wants to be back but just needs a week to "clean things up". In a week she e-mailed me she wasn't ready. Things continued like this, she was in a relationship with another guy, but keeping it secret from everybody for another 4 months I kept begging.

We finally agreed she would decide over Christmas when she went home. She came back and immediatelly slept with that guy but the next day when I asked for an answer, she said she decided "to give me another chance". I shouldn't have got excited about it, but I did. It took her a week to break up with that guy, she did take him out for a birthday party though. We spent a day together, she was all in tears, because that guy refused to be friends with her, and she felt nothing for me. The next evening she called me and said she doesn't want to be with me.

It's been 4 months since then. I still love her and think of her every 15 minutes. We had a few conversations, she was very hostile and accused me of treating her horribly, which I can't even see why and when and how. I've gone out with a dozen women since, they all thought highly of me and every single one wanted to go out again. So I definetely don't have a fear of being alone. But I am still in love with my ex. How can I prove to my ex that I am the best guy she can be with - I can offer her brihgt future, family, exciting life, she could be very proud of a guy like me. Her parents love me and still don't know anything. The guy she is dating is a scum, with little education, little income, questionable background, and besides he infected her with ghonorrhea, yet she still went back with him. What can I do to save this woman from herself?

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RomanceClass.com Advice
I have to say it sounds like you are obsessed with her. You have been chasing her for years and clearly she does not respond with the same feeling. You keep demanding she join you, she keeps refusing, and you keep chasing anyway.

Love involves two people who feel equally for each other. You can never make someone love you. I know it sounds incredibly unfair. If someone COULD make someone else love them, that would be an instant top seller. But there is no such thing. She just doesn't love you. It might take years for you to really absorb and accept this, but it's true. Sure, she may make bad mistakes in life. But she has had AMPLE opportunity to choose you and she hasn't. She just isn't meant for you. For whatever reasons, you two were not meant to be together.

I suggest going to a therapist, minister, whoever you can. Talk this out. Stop calling her, take a break from her. You don't have to date other people. It can take months, easily, to get over her. But it's time you started focussing on your life without her, and see where it leads you.

-- from Lisa
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com

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