My problem is his ex.

Visitor's Question from a 31-40 year old Female
I am 31 never married and have no children. My fiance of 5 years is 32 divorced w/ 2 boys 9 & 12. We go to races, ride hot air balloons, and bowl. We have a lot in commone. My problem is his ex. She leaves notes in his truck, asks him what it would take for him to come back, constantly calls asking for more $, him keeping the kids more or wanting to switch weekends so she can go to Memphis with her friends. Sometimes he says yes & sometimes he says no to her. I think he should say no to her all the time so she will quit asking. He tells me he loves me and never would go back to her. I love him but sometimes I think it would be easier if they were back. It is daily that either her or the kids call about needing something brought to the house ( shorts, baseball, glove). They live in the same town and he wants to get married but I don't know if I would be happy living w/ all of that. If we did get married we would live in my town which at least would create some distance. I wish my boyfriend would make the kids suffer the consequences for their actions like if the 12 year old forgets his shorts he doesn't practice football the next day because it is a real problem for me. I feel my boyfriend is a whimp. He thinks he is abandoning his kids if he doesn't do everything she or they asks - it seems like. I hope I have made myself clear. I don't mind him being a good father but I think anytime she asks for extra child support $ for their school supplies that he should go buy the supplies & give it to them,not hand cash to her and then they never get their needed supplies. Am I being unreasonable. My friends tell me I'm not but I know when you are caught up in something it is hard to tell. Any advice. Advice
You've raised some very solid points here.

The first thing is that he needs to draw boundaries. If he can't do that now, he never will. Your marriage to him will include his ex.

I agree that he should not hand his ex money for anything directly. Go through the state/court system.

His children shouldn't be punished, but they should learn responsibility for their actions. I would imagine that they are seeing their mother behave a certain way and are following an example. Once your fiance sets the boundaries with his ex, he can also work on disciplining his kids, however, I don't feel that it is right for him to cut the kids off from contacting him. He should have an open line for them always.

In terms of switching days for visits, if he has plans with you before she makes plans, too bad, he should not have to rearrange his life for her convenience. Emergencies, however, take precedent.

I hope this has been somewhat helpful and wish you the best of luck.


-- from Marc
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