I Cheated - Is She Cheating?

Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Male
I have been with my girlfriend nearly two years.

We met over the Internet and it is a long distance relationship that has been very hard and expensive to maintain. We absolutely love each other with every ounce of our souls.

It is very difficult in that she still lives with her ex-boyfriend and can't accomodate when I am there. He also only thinks I am a friend. I know for sure that they are just friends and nothing has happened between them since we have been together, I totally trust her with that. They had an agreement that when they split up they would not tell each other about other people, strange but I had to deal with it because I love her so much and want to be with her. This also creates problems in that none of her friends know about our relationship and how deeply in love we are. This really grates me as I tell everyone how happy and in love I am with her, she has met all my family and I have met none of hers (they live hundreds of miles away in the middle of nowhere and that is where her and her ex are from, whenever they go there they normally go together to see their families, hence shutting me off from seeing them). She obtained a degree a year and a half ago and I thought she would push to get things moving so we could be together. I am totally committed to moving and leaving all of my huge, loving family, my good job in the city and my friends to be with this girl, she is 'the one', of that I am sure of more than anything. She was really down a little while ago and pushed me away from things, wouldn't talk to me about problems or her worries and this got to me. I have had a lot to deal with in that my Mum and Dad split up over an affair about a year ago and I had to handle it all for the family and sort out things, paying hte bills, giving support and stuff. My best friend and his girlfriend lost their baby a year ago also and I helped a lot sorting out that with them. Finally about the same time a very close friend was murdered by her boyfriend whom I knew to be a little dangerous, she had a 3 month old baby at the time. It has taken a year for me to start dealing with all of these things because I have been dealing with everyone else's problems and sorting them out, that is the sort of person I am and I would not change that.

I cheated on my girlfriend about two months ago, I didn't sleep with this other girl who is a long standing friend but it later became apparant that I could have caught an STD from her, (just from her touching me for no more than 5 seconds of all things)As soon as it started to happen I upped and left, disgusted. Everything in my world was shattered and I was scheduled to go and see my girlfriend. Before booking to go and see her I told her I wanted to finish things because I fell out of love with her. It was a total lie to try and find myself an easy way out of not telling her what I had done.

In the end I came clean and told her everything when I was at the clinic having the tests, the day before I was meant to see her. I couldn't go up there with her not knowing the whole truth. I spoke to a counsellor after having the tests and I fell apart in front of this total stranger.

My girlfriend and I talked and talked all weekend long and she said that she still loves me, can understand why it could have happened and wants to try and get things back on track. I couldn't believe how much she loved me and I loved her. For her to forgive me over this is something that I am finding so hard to deal with. It has been a month now since we had this chat and have been making real progress howver I still find it hard to belive that she has forgiven me. I am now in the state of mind that she has been cheating on me too nad only forgiven me because she feels guilty about it, (deep down I find this so hard to belive but it keeps coming in to my mind).

I have access to her mobile phone records which she doesnt know about have recently found numerous text messages going to a certain person who I dont know along with picture messages etc, no phone calls at all though. These messages were even being sent when she was down here with me a couple of weeks after our initial meeting up to sort things out. There has also been an instance where she has been out and calling her home (her ex) when I believe that she has been at home tucked up in bed, on a work night. I got a message saying that "Sorry I didn't text you last night but I fell asleep" the next morning. I'm scared to say anything to her because I don't feel I have the right to after what I have done.

I really want things to work because I know she is the only person I can love in this way, I'm not a kid, I'm 29 this year and she will be 24. We talk five or six times every day and are really trying but I can't help feeling that maybe I am being paranoid over this and should just let things run their course?

At the moment I just feel so trapped, alone and depressed that all I want to do is run away from everything and start a new life where nobody knows anything about me. I know that will not make me happy because being with my girlfriend is the only thing that will make that happen.

I don't know what to think or what to do.

RomanceClass.com Advice
It really sounds like you both were cheating here. It's very important that you be very honest here. Obviously things were very NOT good between you two if your entire relationship was built on lies. You can make all the excuses you want for why. The reasons you give are all NOT kosher ones.

Sit down with her and discuss this. ALL the lies have to stop if this is going to work. All of them. She has to tell her family and friends about you. You both have to fully accept each other. If she is incapable of doing this, and wants to string you along in a web of lies, then it's time to take a break.

-- from Lisa
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com

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