Getting Over a Long Term Romance

Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Male
I was going out this girl for about 8 years, since junior high. We were plaining to get married. I had left for the Army and after about two years in the Army I broke it off because not being there was destroying her and my job in the Army was not a safe one especially after September 11th and I didn't want to put her through that anxiety. That was about two years ago. I miss her terribly.

I finally left the Army and now I'm back home and would do anything to get her back. I've spent 8 years with her and I can't get her out of my mind and I want her back but since I've been home I've found out that she has a new boyfriend who she lives with. But anytime we talk (which isn't much, sparse e-mails and short phone calls) she won't tell me any of this. I had to find out from some friends.

My question isn't so much as how do I get her back which would be great but More about how do I get over her. I mean we haven't been together in over two years But I can not get her out of my mind and the thought of her with a new guy boils my blood. Plus I can't even look at another girl without comparing her to my ex. I want to know how I can get over her after the almost decade we spent together. Thank you for your advice. Advice
I'm sorry to hear it didn't work out. I know that military romances can be really rough, and that the military has all sorts of counselling because so many of its members end up breaking up or getting divorced. So what you went through is very sad, but it's not unusual. So hopefully you don't blame yourself too much for the breakup. It would have been really exceptional if you'd been able to stay together through that.

I have many, many pages on breakups, including trying to get an ex back -

In essence you were with her for so long that it's almost like dealing with the breakup of a marriage. Any relationship that goes on for that long is going to take a while to get over. It's not easy, but it's something that many (if not most) people have to do once or twice in their lives, so it's something we all get through. During the process you do learn a lot about yourself, about what you like and don't like in a relationship. Your later relationships will be much stronger because of this knowledge. But still, it is painful to get through.

Read the suggestions in the link, and go through it knowing that the pain will fade and you will find someone else that is even better. Really, people change so much in those years of high school that the girl you fell in love with earlier probably doesn't really exist any more - she's changed a lot in the middle, and you've changed a lot too. So it could be this is all for the good - that now you'll find a woman who is just right for you.

Just keep dating, and keep mingling with people. You'll find that even if you compare them to your ex, some will compare quite favorably. And as you get closer to a new woman, the old one will fade into a pleasant memory of childhood love.

-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at

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