Breaking Up and Rebounding

Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Male
I guess i'll start with, I was in a five year relationship (I was 18 and she was 15 when it started). I thought we were going to be together and get married someday, and it ended when she cheated on me. Although I still tried to make our relationship work afterwords, but it still ended.

It was very hard for me to get over her and weeks later I met a girl (my sister's friend, she was 19) and we became good friends. I did not think she was my type (but she was sweet and giving) and I did not want to be in a relationship, but she was a good companion (go to concerts, shopping, going out to eat etc...).

After 6 months we ended up hooking up, and I my feelings quickly grew for her. I thought it was great, she was my best friend, and the sex was great and I felt I loved her (but there was never any real passion). But I would say that after 6 months of dating, I started to not feel happy within the relationship, started to feel that maybe we were not that compatible, but kept trying to convince myself it was unresolved issues of my past ex, and stayed with her for a year and a half.

After a stressful trip with her family to the UK, I decided it was time to break up because we were not getting along. It was a hard break up and two weeks later, I told her I wanted her back and that we could work out.

Well, we got back together, and at first it was great, but a couple months later, I started grad school and the stress became too much for us and the same problems started coming back. This time we did more of a mutual break up (I am now 25 and she is 21).

At first I felt that this was the best decision for both of us and it felt good for about 5 weeks, and then the same thing happened where I wanted to be with her again and missed her. I ended up calling her, but this time she did not want to be back together, which I don't blame her. I'm glad that she did not take me back, now that it has been three months after the break-up.

Do I have some sort of love addiction or I just can't stand to be alone. Sometimes I think i'd rather be in a bad relationship than be alone. I don't understand why I would break up with her with confidence and then convince myself that I made a mistake later on. My other question is that since we were friends before we got together, is there a good chance that we could be friends later on? Advice
You really are not giving yourself enough time to get over your relationships!! If you are with someone for years, it can easily take MONTHS before you are over them. It's not like you break up and then POOF you are happy and able to go on with your life. When you break up there are always weeks of doubt, of anger, or missing the person, of desperately wanting them back, of being happy, of being miserable. It is something we all go through when relationships end.

Relationships end for a reason - they were not working. You guys tried several times to make it work and it just wasn't meant to be. Yes, that's sad, but it's part of life. Life is about dating various people, seeing what works and what doesn't work. People don't just date one person and then never date anybody else!! That's extremely rare and many people who then marry are miserable for the rest of their lives because they married without thinking about it. It is far better to keep dating and breaking up until you find someone WORTHY of marrying and spending a lifetime with.

So give yourself time here. Spend time with friends. Spend time with family. Take up some hobbies. You should have a happy world that you enjoy that you then want someone else to come and join. You should NOT be miserable alone and be looking for someone to "fix" you. That really does not work, to be "fixed". You need to be happy first.

-- from Jenn
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