Dealing with Insecurity

Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Male
I really need help dealing with my insecurity. I have been with a girl that I know I am going to marry and she feels the same about me. And I know for a fact that she loves me and that I am most important to her and that she would never look elsewhere. However, whenever she chooses to do something with her friends instead of talk to me I feel like she is getting sick of me and that I am not most important to her. And then I go into a whole "need for reassurance" thing. I automatically assume the worst of her actions. My insecurity makes me almost expect something bad when deep down I know there is no evidence to support that conclusion. As a matter of fact it is exactly the opposite. She is trying to do everythingshe can to show that she loves me and that I am the most important, but no matter what she does I always seem to see it the wrong way.

Please Help me!!! I am driving my soul-mate away with petty arguments that result from my insecurity. How can I think positive thoughts? How can I overcome the need to be constantly reassured that she loves me? I am out of college and she is still in college (320 miles away). I am having a hard time with her having so little time and me having alot more to spend on her (letters, e-mails, packages). I take that lack of time to extremes as well. I figure if she has 2 hours of free time she should spend at least 1 hour of it talking to me on the phone and 1 hour visiting friends (even if she has 10 friends to visit all over campus) and she should always visit her friends after she has called me, because I HAVE to be her PRIORITY. Every action she takes has to scream that out loud or I start feeling iinsecure. I really need help with this. What used to be perfect, happy conversations have become bitter arguments over NOTHING AT ALL!! Advice
First, it's REALLY good that you realize how seriously this can affect your relationship. Many, many relationships are destroyed just because one person was insecure. And really, insecurity is all in your head. She says she loves you, and you both feel strongly about your love for each other. So if you keep pressuring her for "proof" it can wear her down to the point that she doesn't want to deal with it any more.

I do have a page on insecurity, jealousy and self esteem -

There are many books on the topic too. It can be a very serious issue that can destroy not only your relationship, but your work environment and friendships too. I would actively start trying to work on building up your self esteem so that you ACCEPT that she loves you and not have to have it proven to you, and accept that you are worthy of that love. If doing it on your own doesn't seem to work, then talk to a priest, minister, therapist, or whoever else you can talk to. There are people specifically trained in dealing with this. It's better that you get through this now, instead of later when it's already caused damage (or more damage) in your life.

Good luck!

-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at

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