She Neglected Her Child - I Want her Back

Visitor's Question from a 31-40 year old Person
My ex broke up with me almost 2 months ago. We were together for 8 months. We had been living together with her 3 yr old child for 7 months and we got engaged after 5 months. When we first met she wasnt looking for a relationship because she had just got out of a 5 yr bad realationship with her ex. We imediatly fell in love with eachother after the first month.

I feel in love with her and her child. This relationship was so awesome. Everything seemed too perfect. We did have some ups and downs, but got over them really quick. I did everything I could to make her and her child happy. I even moved away to be with her. I left all my friends to show her that her and her son where my number one priority. I devoted the rest of my live to her and him.

So here's what it comes down to, it was a about a month before she broke up with me. Her son had came back from a weekend at his father and he started being really violent to me. I didn't know how to react, so I just ignored it. We went to the store on day and he was being terrible so I told him that I wasnt going to buy him any more toys.(I never would discipine him). I said that hoping he would stop. That made my ex upset but she didnt tell me at that point it did. Her son and I made up after that, and we were best friends again.

My ex and I decided one day that we wanted to smoke pot again, I haven't smoked it in 4 yrs, and she hadn't smoked it in about a year, so we did. This is when the problem really started happening. We were doing it in front of her child which I knew was wrong. She was doing it like 3 times a day, we hardly talked. She was always just passing out. One day she got off work we started smoking her son came up to us and asked us what we were doing. My ex just told him to go back to his room and play his video games. Thats when I had to make an end to this. So I took the stuff and threw it away. That pissed her off.

Later on that night we were arguing and then she told me I had to go. She couldnt live with me anymore and told me she didnt see us getting married. So I left. She told her sister a week later the reason she had broke up with me was because I had threatened her child by saying I wouldnt buy him anymore toys. That is a pretty lame break up.

She will not give me any answers, she doesnt want to see me or talk to me. So 2 weeks after we broke up she moved back in with her ex of 5 yrs. This is the guy she swore on her childs life she would never go back too. I think the only reason she did that is because he smokes also and she can do it whenever she wants too. Also I believe she can't live alone.

Now she wont even talk to her family anymore. I think she is embarrassed that they know that she is back with him and she doesnt want to her BS about it. I know she still loves me. Thats why she doesnt want to see or speak with me cause it will make her want to come back. She is acting hard right now.

I miss and love her and her child so much it is killing me. I just want a chance to sit down and talk to her. She wont give me that chance. What should I do? I really cant move on because I know her ex is going to start doing the same old possive things to her. I already know she doesnt go out anymore just stays at the house taking care of her child and his child.

How do I get her to talk to me? Please help me. I know this isnt the end of her and I relationship. Advice
The reason that drugs are so dangerous is that they take over your rational behavior and you start doing things because of the drugs and not because they're right. I agree with you completely on all counts. First, she was endangering her child with her behavior. She tells him to play video games so she can get high? She accuses you of harming her child by NOT BUYING HIM TOYS WHEN HE'S THROWING A TANTRUM???? Toys aren't a god-given right for any child! Toys should be a special treat, they should not be a required part of the child's daily life. She is on one hand abandoning her child while she does drugs and on the other hand wants to "buy the kid off" with presents to make up for it. That is REALLY unhealthy.

So then you called her on it and told her to act like an adult and a mother. Instead, she lies, runs back to a guy that also does drugs and puts herself AND her child into a bad situation. Just what sorts of lessons is the child learning about life in that household? How can the child possibly grow up into a healthy adult with the lessons he is learning? Can she really think this is good for her child OR for her?

Yes she might have taken the EASY choice. But life is NOT EASY. Life is about doing what is right, even though it's hard, and standing by that decision. Nobody said life is about 24 hours a day of fun in the sun. But if you destroy a child's life to get your quick kicks, that's pretty low.

I would tell her that she owes it to you, after all the time you spent together, to sit down and go over this just for ONE EVENING. Is she going to run and hide from everything in life? Is that her solution to difficult situations? Is she going to teach this technique to her child too? It's time for her to start taking responsibility for herself, for her actions, and her child - before she damages the child forever.

-- from Jenn
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