He lied to me and betrayed me, I want him back

Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
I am a 30 year old and have been with my boyfriend for over 2 years now. My boyfriend is 29. This summer he met a girl whom we both know. The girl just turned 20 a few months ago. We even drove to Tulsa for her graduation as support to our cell group leader who just happens to be her mother. My boyfriend and I were having problems of our own at the time and she knew that we were in a relationship.

Well,I had to find out by myself what was going on and discovered that they have been talking on a regular basis and sometimes when I am there. See, we were living together at the time so he would take his cell phone to the closet until I started listening on his conversations. So of course it tore me up badly. Now they have been spending time together since he moved out. He never broke up with me and I with him. He says he needs to figure out stuff. He says he is not attracted to her but she has everything he needs in a woman. I am trying to be understanding because I see him agonizing on this issue over and over again. I dont know if it is my duty to help him or what I should do to win him back. We are such good friends that we spent most of our time together but now he gives her the time and day.

Just a week ago, I went over to his apartment, of course I was snooping around on him. I know when he doesnít answer my phone calls he is with her. So I decided to go there anyways. I confronted him about him telling me she doesnít come to his place. I felt very bad because he had lied to me. I threw a temper tantrum and even confronted the girl who also wanted to know what I was doing there. So obviously, My boyfriend or should I even call him boyfriend, Had been lying to her as well about us.

As a woman, I know she is not going to back down even though she knows I am that other woman. What should I do in this triangle because I donít want to lose what I had with him. How do I win him back? Please somebody help.

RomanceClass.com Advice
The most important thing you can possibly have in a relationship is trust. You have to trust that your partner is looking out for the interests of you both, that when he is not around you he is actually still loving you and not off with someone else. For *health* reasons you have to trust that he's not giving you sexually transmitted diseases. Your partner should be your best friend, your one true confidante against the world.

Instead, your boyfriend has lied to you REPEATEDLY for his own selfish reasons. Instead of working on the relationship with you, he started cultivating this other woman on the side. He has put her on a pedestal and said she's "everything he wants" even though obviously NO person is perfect. So he's not even seeing her with real eyes - he has turned her into his Playboy vision of what a Woman Should Be. And not only is he lying to you about this all - but he's lying to her too.

Obviously things weren't great before, if you were on rocky ground before he started all of this. You say you don't want to lose what you had with him - but it seems that actually what you had before was based on your hopes and dreams and not on the reality. The reality involved a guy that was not right for you, that didn't work on the relationship and that lied to you pretty much as soon as the opportunity presented itself. He isn't going to "fix". Even if he does end up with the 20 year old, what happens in 3-4 years when the 20 year old is "old" and his ideal vision is no longer true? He's going to start cheating on HER with another new girl, because that is what he does. When things get tough, he goes out cheating. This isn't something I would wish on ANY woman.

I would count yourself lucky that you discovered his lying nature before you guys got married or something. It would be much, much worse if you were married and had kids and discovered he had 20 year olds on the side. He really sounds like he's using you and using her too.

I've been in your exact situation. I know it's hard. I know you think you can "fix them". But believe me, you can NEVER fix another person. He just didn't lie once and then apologize and want to make things better. He has lied REPEATEDLY to both of you and that is how he solves problems. And in a way you're enabling him by continuing to hang around and be his friend. You're telling him "Oh well, it's OK you lied, I'll get upset but I'll still support you". So he gets his cake and can eat it too.

I would really make a stand and call it quits. You deserve to have friends who respect you and who you can trust. He is using you. What he's showing you is the ultimate form of disrespect whether you're a lover OR a friend. You deserve better.

-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com

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