My Ex is Still Being Friendly

Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
I was dating this guy for about 7 months. Everything was great until he transfered to a new college and that is when thing got bad. He told me over the phone that he didnt want to hurt me but he didnt want to be with me. A few days later he came over and told me that he just wasnt in a point in his life where he could have a meaningful relationship and just wanted to meet new people. He also said that he wanted to marry me when he was done with school and he wanted to be best friends with me so when he was ready we could have a deeper relationship and could take it further.

So we have been broken up for over a year now, but he still calls me and wants to hang out and I do sometimes. But he has a new girlfriend (I just found that out) and we have been physical while they were together without my knowledge of it.

Is this a bad place for me to be in to even just be friends with him, and could he just be feeding me lines so he can have his cake and eat it too? Help me get inside the mind of a man and let me know where he is coming from. Advice
It doesn't sound like he's playing games as much as he's going through the normal confusion that happens between friends who are also very close. He couldn't handle the long distance relationship. That's pretty normal, they are very hard to keep going, especially when there are other distractions going on around you.

So he didn't want to keep you hanging in the near term, but he still loved you and had long term hopes. So far so good. But then as happens in life, other things that are nearby get to seem interesting and you don't want to miss out on them. So he starts to get close to this other girl and then doesn't want to risk you (his long term love) for his short-term fun. This probably didn't just happen overnight. It probably happened slowly over time and he kept justifying it by saying "Oh, it's just flirting" and then "Oh it's nothing serious" and then "I like her and I like her too, I don't want to hurt either one ..."

Of course, there are ways to justify just about any behavior even if it's wrong. He shouldn't have broken up with you if he still loved you enough to want to marry you. That's like saying to someone "I love you and want to raise kids with you, but for now I'm going to go out and sleep around with 20 other people and raise hell." How can he guarantee that he won't fall in love with those 20 other girls? He is holding your love in slight regard if he's willing to play around and risk it like that.

And sure enough, he DID get fond of another girl. And instead of being honest with you (and her) he compromised BOTH of your healths by then sleeping with you both. That is about the ultimate in betrayal. What if one of you had gotten very sick as a result? Would have he said "Oh sorry I was GOING to tell you I was betraying you, but I didn't because I was having too much fun ..."

So in essence he was selfish, wanted his own pleasure and tried to justify it by saying "Oh I didn't want to hurt her." But if he didn't want to hurt either of you he wouldn't have done the actions in the first place. That's part of being mature, is doing things that are responsible, not doing things that are selfish and could be VERY harmful to others. I think his actions count as in the very harmful category, both emotionally and physically.

I would call him on his actions, let his girlfriend know so that she can also take care of her own health, and them tell him to face up to what he has done. It's time for him to grow up. As far as trusting him in the future, I personally would not. A friend is someone who looks out for you - and he is only looking out for himself.

-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at

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