She Wants a Successful Man

Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Male
I found the love of my life 1 year and 11 months ago. We were so in love and never had any problems. We both told eachother that we were meant to be together forever.

Exactly on our 1 yr 11 mth anniversary she broke up with me. She told me that we were going no where with eachother. I cannot understand because we lived together almost since the day we met and we did everything together. We even had the same major and took the same classes together.

She told me that I had become unmotivated in school and was not going to make anything of myself and that she needed someone who would be successful. I graduate in one year and I will admit that I have let my grades slip a little. But what makes this worse for me is I had just bought the engagement ring.

I would like to know what I can do if anything to get her back. We still talk and have decided to try to be friends. Please help me if you can, thanks. Advice
Wow it definitely sounds like there was something seriously flawed in your relationship. You thought things were so rosy that you were going to propose - and meanwhile she was so miserable that she completely broke up with you without even trying to fix things? That points to a HUGE lack in communication. Believe me, people can live together without being good at talking about problems, and the number of divorces out there proves how damaging it can be.

If you guys weren't talking before, NOW is definitely the time to start if you want to save things. Her claim of "I want a successful guy" is VERY shallow. Hopefully she really isn't using that as the way to judge a soulmate!! Millions of women are thrilled for decades with a guy who is their BEST FRIEND by their side. Millions of other women are MISERABLE for decades because they have a successful jerk by their side. Success is NOT a measure of anything at all as far as relationships go. It can severely damage relationships if it's an unbalanced success.

So sit down and talk with her. Hopefully her comments about "success" are really hiding another more understandable reason. The very fact that she could live with you that whole time, not tell you she was unhappy, not bother to work with you on the unhappiness and then just drop the bomb on you one day and take off all point to her being not a good communicator. So the fact that she communicates this poorly should be no surprise.

Tell her that the whole point of a relationship is about telling each other when you START to feel unhappy, so you can work together on solutions. It is NEVER about hiding and lying about how you feel and letting it build up until it's unfixable. So if you guys are going to be friends or anything else, you need to work on the communication issue.

Ask her WHAT about the relationship bothered her exactly. To go into details. That you can hear them because that's what a relationship is about, hearing problems and dealing with them. And then go into details of what bothers YOU about the relationship. Obviously some things must bother you, no relationship is perfect. That way she'll feel more comfortable tell you her issues. And then work on them together to find solutions.

If she really is so shallow that her criteria for a man to love for the rest of her life, to grow old with and trust her life with is "he must make $X money a year", she isn't going to find happiness, and it might be best for you to realize that now and find a better partner in life. Someone who values cash over emotions is not someone you want to go through life with.

-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at

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