Betraying a Friendship

Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Male
I'm a guy (22 yrs old), and have been solid friends with a guy since before either of us can remember (approx. 20 yrs.) He's had a great relationship with a great girl for the past three years or so.

About three weeks ago, I called his place (they live together far from me) and she answered; he wasn't there. The conversation started harmless enough, but long story short, we ended up confessing our attraction for each other. After that, we had two more chance run-ins and talked about things we'd like to try. (i.e. foreplay, sex, etc.) He became suspicious when she answered the phone and went into another room and closed the door.

He found out, and trying to be reasonable, confronted me about it. I told him about most of what went on which was ideas about sex. Most of them involved her and I. I haven't spoken to her since he found out, but I'm positive she feels equally as terrible as I do. I asked him today through e-mail if he and I would ever talk again. He said he didn't know and promised that we would not talk for a long time if ever. Plus, I know time is the best thing he needs.

How do I move on? I can only imagine how much he hates me right about now. That only makes it harder. Advice
It's bad enough to be betrayed by your girlfriend without that betrayal involving your best friend from when you were a tiny child. Sure, you were attracted to her. And sure, she was attracted to you! People are attracted to friends very naturally. But why would you guys have given in to that temptation even though it clearly was a betrayal of this guy you both cared about? He has NO way of trusting either of you now, because you have already proven you are quite willing to put your own desires above the responsibilities you have in the relationship. He has no way of knowing if, the next time you and she talk, you'll just do the same thing because your value system rates 'fun sex talk' over 'commitment to someone you love'.

I would really take a serious look at what you did and think about why you didn't stop. Sure, it felt good. LOTS of things feel good in life but we exercise self control because we know what is right to do. If you don't get a handle on why your self control was MIA, you could end up destroying other relationships going forward, when the same things happen again and again.

-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at

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