The Cruel Hands of Fate

Visitor's Question from a 31-40 year old Male
I met a young woman when I went back to my college for a reunion and the first time I saw her I had a really good feeling that she was a good person and would probably be good for me as well. I came home while she stayed and finished her course and we sorta just fell into a relationship.

Over the last year and a half or so we kinda have drifted, somewhat, apart. As well I have to admit I didn't get involved as much as I should have in her life with doing things she really enjoyed, theater, dinners and the such, being very sociable something I have an extremely hard time with. We both work in the same profession which is high stress to begin with and over the last 4 weeks we kinda haven't gotten along at all. She said she wanted to take a break and I agreed because of personal reasons for both of us and she said don't bug me all the time, I have to see we can get along as friends first and then maybe but no gurantees is what she told me.

I then made it priority #1 to do things that I had troubles doing before and asking her if she wanted to join me, she declined. A few nights I'd call her and say things like was being with me so hard and the sort, too far???? Then a few nights ago she said she had made her mind up and told me we wouldn't get back together, now all i can think of is her and did I push her too much.

She also said she gave me a BIG HINT by saying don't constantly bug me but now it's to late. I can't stop thinking of her, and wanted to marry her, not now but in the future and everything that goes along with such commitment. I've read some of the other questions on the site and myself have even blamed fate, my life, and once even thought suicide seriously.

What should I do I'm totally lost, scared and don't know where to run and or do. Advice
There is no such thing as fate. There is the life you are given and what you choose to do with it. You could put 1,000 people in that same situation and come up with 1,000 different results, because each of us is different. How you reacted to that situation is unique to you.

First off, you are who you are. That's not a bad thing! You are not a party animal. You are shy and quiet. That is VERY normal and many girls would be THRILLED to have a quiet guy by their side. So to start off with, this girl wasn't very well matched to you. You tried your best to *change* for her, which is never a good idea. And not only that, but then she tells you to take a break as dating partners, but when you try to call her to talk, she gets hostile and claims that she has control over when and if you guys can talk? And she sets ultimatums based on that?

This really doesn't sound like a girl that was good for you. There are MILLIONS of girls in the world who would love you the way you are now. Instead you tried to twist yourself into a pretzle to fit this one's world and to meet her demands. And then you were depressed that you failed. You should be happy with yourself that you tried as much as you did, and realize it wasn't meant to be. Then go find a girl who IS right for you and who you can be happy with. It was NOT her.

In the meantime, if you're feeling lost, find a minister or someone to talk with, a therapist, and work through those feelings. It's normal to feel that way when you break up, but there are hundreds of people around you who can make it easier to get through.

-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at

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