My Ex Swears He has Changed

Visitor's Question from a 31-40 year old Female
My husband and I met almost 2 years ago, we fell in love very fast and within a week he had moved into my home with my children and myself. Things were great at first. My husband is 17 years my junior and had just gotten out of prison for a crime that he had committed when he was just 17 (he was 21 when we met). We were very happy together.

I became pregnant within two months. We were both very excited and happy about the baby, however I had a miscarriage and things started going down hill for us. We both started drinking pretty heavily and one night while we were out playing pool and drinking some guys (I had known before I met husband) had been talking to me at the pool hall. When we got home my husband went off on me and beat me up pretty good. My daughter called his parole officer and as a result the next day his parole officer came to our house and asked to see me. Upon seeing what my husband had done to me he issued a warrent for him and he spent 12 days in jail (My husband and I were not legally married at this point).

Once my husband was released he was ordered to move out of our home and have no contact with me or my children untill he finished a 12 week anger management class. We however still snuck around and continued to be together. We even got married during this time. Upon completion of his classes he was allowed to return home.

Things were good for a while but 2 and 1/2 months after our marriage, he got mad and went off for the night. The next night I found him at some womans house. I confronted the both of them, they denied that anything had happened between them. They both told me he had stayed there yes but had slept on her couch. About a week or so later he again left overnight I went to her house but did not see our truck. He came home the next day said he had stayed in the car around the corner from the house cuz he just didn't want to fight with me.

Again a few more nights within about a 2 or 3 week period he was gone over night. Each time I of course questioned him, but I trusted him altho I had my suspicions. He stopped leaving at night for about 6 months but then one night he again left over night. I was pregant with our son at the time about 8 months pregnant. The next day when he came home I had asked him where he was he swore to me that he had slept in an empty house down the street from his Grandparents and said if I didn't believe him to go check because he had gotten a 12 pack and went there and drank and passed out and that the beer bottles would be in there. Well I did just that and not surprisingly there were no beer bottles in the house.

I told him he was lying and to admit to me where he was and what he had done. We fought all that day and he was picked up in our front yard for disorderly conduct because of our fighting. He spent a couple of hours in jail and came home. Well his parole officer once again had him arrested and he went to jail for a month. Durring this time I again begged and pleaded with him to tell me the truth he stuck to his story. He was ordered to go to an ISF facility in a town about 2 hours from our home and was once again told he could have no contact with me. I was as I said by this point due any day now with our son.

We got caught tallking on the phone and writting letters to each other. I loved him and I needed him. We knew we were violating the stipulation but we need each other at that point. In the mean time I delivered our son without my husband there. And he was revoked to go back to prison. Once back in prison the stipulation was removed and were once again allowed to have contact.

In the mean time during my 6 week check up it was discovered that I had an STD that I could have passed to my son. I wrote to my husband told him I now knew for sure he had cheated. He wrote back apoligizing and begging me to forgive him. He told me had cheated twice and promised to never do it again. But come to find out through a series of events he had cheated several times with the same woman whose house I had found him at,and once more with an ex-lover of his. He continued to lie saying it was once with the woman whom I'd found him with and that he didn't know the other woman just someone he had picked up the night he left.

Now he is trying to be honest and says this was his wake up call being in prison and such. He knew his x-lover had an STD but that didn't stop him. Now he says he just wasn't thinking. He swears he will do whatever it takes to regain my trust and put our marriage back together. He swears being in prison again has made him realize just how much he loves me and wants to stay married to me. He can spend between 1 and 3 more years in prison.

I have assured him that no mater what I will see to it that he has what he needs while he is there.I still love my husband but I don't know what to do. This whole situation is killing me. It consumes me night and day. feel as if I need every detail of what went on with those other women all those nights. I love my husband but I'm not sure what road to take at this point. My son is 4 months now and so far shows no signs of having the STD, however he has to be monitored closely untill he is 18 months old at which point if he still shows no signs they say he didn't get it.

If you have any advice on this matter I would appreciate it. Thank You so much. Advice
This is exactly why honesty, trust and loyalty are CRITICAL for any relationship to work. By betraying you, not only did he endanger YOUR health - which could leave your children without a mother - but he endangered the health of his unborn son as well. And he stuck to those lies even though it was obvious he was lying, right up until it was proven beyond all shadow of a doubt. He had NO problem with lying continuously, all he cared about was protecting himself. The result could be that your son is damaged for LIFE, all because of your man's selfishness.

Sure, he's sad that he got caught and he says he's changed - but so far his track record is pretty poor. He went to anger management class and still would scream at you loudly enough that he was arrested. He WAS in prison already and in getting out he was only able to behave for a short while before cheating not with one but with TWO different women - and not just once but several times.

You can stand by him as a PERSON. But to stand by him as a PARTNER is a different matter. A partner must be someone who 100% puts your needs in front of his own, and who 100% puts the needs of his children in front of his own. Your husband has regularly abandoned both you and your children to meet his own needs, has lied to you, has hit you, has disrespected you.

You need someone to talk to, to get some perspective on this. The choice you are making here is not only damaging YOUR life but is also damaging the lives of your children. Every single day that goes by, your children are all learning "how to be responsible adults" by seeing you and your husband interact. What lessons are they learning? They are learning that violence, screaming, lying and betrayal are normal behaviors. This is going to damage THEIR entire lives, as they start doing those things when THEY start to date. Is this how you want your son treating his girlfriends? Is this how you want your girlfriends to be treated?

Go find a minister or therapist or someone else to talk to. Really and honestly, even if it is just to help you find ways to get your kids through this, you need SOMEONE to give you help.

-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at

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