Dealing with a Break

Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
My boyfriend and I of 2 years are taking a break so he calls it, his decision. He has issues he says, with me and my 7 year old son. I have issues with him too, he can't commit to me and my son, he works too much and the list does go on.

It has only been about 5 days since this happened and I am really missing him. I miss talking to him at the end of the day, I miss his touch. He wrote me and said this breakup is more me than him and I can't understand what he meant. He says this has been really hard on him but at the end of the day it's the right thing and he needs this time to think.

I don't know what to do, I know I need to go on and do my thing but I feel like I have no control over this situation he won't talk to me, I need to communicate to him but I know he needs this time to think, but I am afraid he might not come back. Advice
First off, a break is a sign that something is seriously wrong in a relationship that you have been unable to work through. A happy relationship does not take a break. An unhappy relationship that has an issue has both people actively working on it and through it together to find a solution. If it gets so bad that one person finally says "Screw this, I can't work on it with you so I have to work on it on my own," that's about an admission of defeat.

A relationship is about overcoming all hurdles together. EVERY relationship has its ups and downs, its highs and lows. That's normal. The point of a relationship is that you face them together and overcome them together. If things got so bad that he had to *leave* you to face them, then it means you guys weren't able to handle the issues as a team - which is a reall bad sign.

It sounds like you were putting a lot of pressure on him to "be what you wanted him to be". Relationships should ALWAYS be about both people voluntarily choosing to be together and taking steps together. There should NEVER be any pressure from one person to force the other to "move along". If you were trying to force him to be more committed, or to sacrifice his work/career for you, then he might have had to pull away from you out of self preservation. It may simply be that what you want in a person is NOT him and that if you keep trying to force him to "fit in" to your ideal dream guy image, that you will end up hating him and him hating you. Love is about both people accepting the other as they are and loving them FOR that. It is NEVER about you "squashing" a person to fit into your mold of a "perfect guy for me".

So sit down and really think about what you are wanting him to be - and if you can be happy with what he IS. Love is about acceptance. It is not about treating a person like play-dough, for you to shape into whatever you want.

-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at

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