Moving to Make Things Work

Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
I broke up with my fiance. We remained friends for a while, but had a couple of nasty arguments. After a week where we hadn't talked much, I called him and after an hour long nice chat, he said he'd like to give things another try. I want this more than anything, I still love him we feel we can resolve our problems.

The thing is, since finishing our relationship, he has sold his house and moved to the other side of the country. (He has a part time job there, but only behind a bar for the last week.) He said we should have a fresh start, that I should move there with him. He doesnt want to come back here.

I am very wary of leaving my family, my job and everything I am familiar with. He says it will work this time, but I dont want it to go pearshaped, and I get stuck in an unfamiliar place. I would like some support from my family if he lets me down again.

In my opinion, we could have a fresh start in another area thats not so far away. I want to know if we can be together again before I sacrifice everything. Am I being selfish? I dont really want to move that far away, but I really want to work things out with him. Do you think he should compromise and start nearer to home? Please help me, I'm so confused!! Advice
Relationships often involve many sacrifices, from jobs to living location to many other things. You have to believe 100% in the relationship and really work to make it happen. If you start doing too many trade-off comparisons and worry about "what happens if it breaks up now? What happens if it breaks up in 3 months" you set yourself on the path for self defeat.

It's not like you'll be trapped out there. You would be able to move back home again if you really wanted to, to find another job. So where you guys move to while you work on the relationship is sort of moot. You will be within phone/net distance of your family in either spot. You'll need to find a new job in either spot. If he's already settled somewhere, it doesn't make sense to uproot him and you so that you both have that chaos to deal with.

I would find a temporary job in your field out there, a contract job for 3-6 months. Go out, get settled, give it a full 100% effort with him. Do NOT yell or argue. If you ever find yourself getting upset, take a break. Make a full effort to talk about issues, discuss any problems and focus on finding ways to enjoy each other. If things really dissolve into chaos, you know at least you gave it your full, best shot and can start a new life whereever you choose to, be it near family or somewhere new and exciting. But if things DO work, you now have a stable base from which to find the perfect job and to begin your new life.

-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at

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