She Feared Commitment and We Broke Up

Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Male
My girlfriend and I had been going out for about 4 months and broke up about a month ago. We were in love. The reason that she broke up with me is because one night we had been out and had a few drinks...i told her that I could see myself wanting to marry her someday. She told me she felt the same way. Everything was cool for about a week after that and I even asked her if any of that conversation bothered her...she said no. A few days later she started becoming very distant and said that she needed space. About a week later she left a letter stuck in my door breaking up with me. I was pissed...the next day I called her to get my stuff back but when I went I also gave her a very personal gift that I had got her for her birthday that was a few months away...she said she felt so confused.

I didn't want it to end but I felt hurt that she wrote me a letter to break up instead of doing it in person. We never really stopped talking after the break and I still love her. She tells me that she doesnt know why she doesnt feel the same way, but it changed after the drunken conversation. Now she is seeing this new guy and is kind of rubbing it in...I went to her house and she had condoms out, and he called my house from her phone to talk to a roomate of mine that he is friends with.

I told her that I had a problem with this over coffee the other night...We talked about what went wrong, and she said she still didnt know why...and that she also had some other regrets about not being open enough with me. I told her that I wanted to kiss her goodbye but also said that I didnt think I could be her friend right now because I still love her. She told me that she would have kissed me, but since I didnt want to be her friend she wouldn't.

I cant tell if she still wants me or not...I think she does but for some reason cant let herself do it. I think the other guy might just be a way to get over me, but im not sure...I still love her and want her back...she knows this, and still keeps in contact with me at least 3 times a week...What should I do? Advice
Marriage can be a VERY scary step especially if you've only been dating a few months. Dating is about month to month having fun. Marriage is about being together for DECADES, about getting a house, settling down, maybe having kids and growing up and growing old. The two sets of thoughts can be very different from each other.

So when she saw that she was on a path that could lead to being "trapped" it sounds like she ran away. Not only that but she did it in a very immature way and didn't even tell you to your face!! So she wasn't mature enough to think about a serious relationship - and she wasn't mature enough to break up reasonable in just a dating situation.

To top it all off, she was right in rebound time and BOUNCED right into a new guy's lap and is using all her rebound emotions and feelings on him. Which isn't fair to him, and isn't very mature of her either.

I would give her a few months at least to try to sort this out in her brain. You can never make someone grow up. You can just be patient and hope they do, or accept they aren't ready and look for someone who is. It even sounds like she's using you as a safety net right now while this other guy is her sex-buddy.

I would ask her to stop calling you for now, that you need YOUR time alone given what she's done to you and how she's done it. It's time for HER to do some growing up and that doesn't involve feeding off of your emotions and keeping you around as a buffer. I have tips on breaking up here -

give yourself lots of time and have some fun. If she gets some maturity in here, then she'll come back to you and apologize for what she did. If not, I'm sure you will meet another woman who is MUCH more mature than she is and find a true love.

-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at

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