My Relations with my Ex

Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
My ex-boyfriend broke up with me a month ago. Before that we had gone out for four years. We are now sophomores in college and have several classes together.

When he broke up with me he told me that he was still deeply in love with me and that he felt like our love was something that would last through time. He just said that he couldn't be in the relationship right then (I think he may have seen how much fun his friends were having and felt like he was missing out on it). He also said that he would really like it if we could remain friends.

At first I had difficulty accepting it, as I'm sure everyone does. We had kept our communication open and I let him know how I was feeling along the way. I soon gave up on the idea of getting him back just then so I decided to deal with just being friends. Unfortunately, that soon became too hard so I sat him and down and told him that I loved and respected him and that I knew that he needed this time to grow as a person. However, I also told him that I needed to grow as well and that meant not being his friend, talking on the phone, talking online, or even in person. WhenI told him I didn't want to talk, he sounded angry. That conversation happened about a week ago and even though we're in classes together, we haven't spoken.

The thing is, my friend read his profile online (the information that you provide about yourself on the instant messenger programs) and it has things that say how he doesn't want to go through with what he has started and he can't wait until I come back to him. He has also put some things on his profile to make me jealous (i.e. I love you "fill in the blank with his friends (who are girls) names".

But to get to the point, it feels like everytime I begin to gain a little independence from him, he tries to find a way to pull me back. Today he kept trying to interject into conversations I was having with my friend (even though I told him I didn't want to be friends!) and I kind of just didn't respond. I love him more than ANYTHING in this world and he has told me that I need to do whatever I need to do to make myself happy. The thing is, hes making that hard for me. Before we stopped talking, we had discussed getting together in December to see where things stand. Do you think that he still likes me?

Also, do you think that in December I should bring up getting together or should I just let him tell me if hes ready? And should I ask him about what his profile says or just let him bring it up to me if he wants to (hes not really the type to flat out say things). I just kind of want to know what you think of the situation- any advice would be great! :) Thanks a lot. Advice
Wow, there are many things going on here. First, you were with this guy for four years. So you guys were good friends, cared about each other, helped each other out. You went through thick and thin together.

Somehow you imply that he broke up with you because he "wanted to have fun". Isn't that what BEING in a relationship is all about - having fun with each other? Why couldn't he have fun and be your boyfriend? It sounds like somehow your relationship became more of a parental thing instead of a best-friends thing. Couldn't you go out and have fun with him and his friends? Were you somehow telling him he could NOT go out with his friends and have fun because he was dating you? All of those would be serious issues if they were true.

And now you are cutting him off completely, telling him "If I can't date you, I don't want to talk to you." It's no wonder he's angry, most people would be angry. A relationship is supposed to be about people really caring for each other and being friends. Just because you decide not to sleep with each other any more, you should still care for each other. But you're telling him to get lost ... but only for a few months.

If you care about someone, you do. You don't say "I won't care about you until December." If you don't care about someone, you don't. To set arbitrary month deadlines for when you will "start caring" or "stop caring" is sort of silly. Emotions don't get turned on and off like that. Either you care or you don't.

I would really sit down and talk with him and find out what the real issues are here. Either you address those issues now, or you risk your entire relationship being destroyed by negligence.

-- from Jenn
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