I Love Her - She Wants Someone Else
Visitor's Question from a 16-20 year old Male
Well im 18 years old and just encountered my first love and am going completely crazy!! Well this is how everything started... Since 11th grade (first year this girl started at my school) she had an insane crush on me ... We got introduced to eachother by a friend. That friend told me that she was crazy about me..
But in the mean time she was dating this guy since she was 14yrs old.. They had broken up for a little while and she and I linked up to goto Homecomming dance together! Everything went great... But stupid me I never called her again and she always held that against me.. We had a class together the year after and sat next to eacother and were friends but argued alot with eachother..
Remeber this is our senior year and she had just broke up with her boyfriend again and they were around 3 months broken up with him never calling her or anything... Prom time was comming around and I told her bestfriend that I didnt have a date for prom and I was looking for one! She went off and told this girl and SHE GOT ALL HAPPY! Because throughout this whole time I never payed much attention to her but more as a weird friend. So then we started hanging out and getting to know eachother and it was like a match made in heaven.
We were seeing eachother for about 1 month before prom. On prom night I asked her out, I thought it would be different to write and sweet to write on the mirror of the bathroom with soap, "Will you be mine" (about 4 months after her last relationship). I wanted her to know that I was different than all the other guys and that I really really cared about her. We were glued to eachother. Her EX was a dick who always put here down, physically abused her, never payed any attention to her, and most of all cheated on her with 20 girls he had written with ratings in a book she found in his room (they broke up when she found that book). Whatever back to where we were, we dated for a good 2 1/2 months and the day before my birthday she came to me and said she wanted to put a pause on the relationship because she spoke to her EX.
Well on my b-day her EX showed up at her house and there was a big argument and she was the last person to show up at my party (he wasnt letting her leave so she called her mother to go and break everything up). That night she shows up at my party crying saying she's sorry for everything and that its me she wanted its me and only me.. I treated her like crap for about 2 or 3 days after and every 5 minutes was a phonecall from her. It was like I treated her like crap and she was going crazy for me. Through all this time we dated I was a romantic sweetheart sending her flowers here and there, writing her love letters, doing little stuff she had slipped out in a conversation with me, etc...
Her EX never did this kind of stuff for her but mostly used her as a sex toy. He was 6 yrs older than her and now she is 18 when they first started dating she was 14 and he was 20. So after those 3 days I treated her like crap, her father kicked her out of her house so she came to live with me for the weekend.. I always showed her my complete love except those 3 days.. Then after that weekend she had a flight scheduled for the monday to go out of the country with her father..
I CALLED EVERY SINGLE DAY FOR A MONTH STRAIGHT .. We spilled our guts out to eachother for that month we spoke through the phone. Then she comes back and im at the airport with her family waiting with flowers ready to pick her up.. It was like she couldn't wait to see me, she ran straight to me and barely spoke to any of her family members (cousins, aunts, etc.. which she is really close to) and we were just glued together. That night she wanted me to spend the night at her house and all we did was hug and kiss ..
The day after we hung out and it seemed like it was completely different.. We had sex in the morning then I took her home because I had work at 3:00 pm... She was supposed to call me that day and never did.. I went crazy calling everybody and even almost got fired from my job because I drove all the way to her house to see if she was there. Then that night 1 hour before I got out of work I spoke to her and she told me to pick her up 1 1/2 later I was at her house exactly 1 1/2 later to pick her up ...
I called her house and her mother said she was sleeping and "for some reason they didnt want to wake her up." So the next morning I spoke to her and she said for me to bring over her drivers liscence and some papers I had of hers and when I got to her house she wasnt there.. Later on I spoke to her and she told me she wanted to tell me something and I took the words out her mouth and she finally admitted it was her EX. So I rushed over to her house and took the notes she wrote me when we were in school and asked for an explanation and she just froze up and didnt say anything to me ... I was in PAIN!!!!
The next day I went to her house to speak to her and her family and she was being so cold and mean to me... So then I stepped back and lived my life. 1 week later I get a phonecall at about 1:00am in the morning and it was her! She told me how special of a person I was to her and that she was sorry the way she acted when I went to see her those 2 days but she was trying to find the simplest way to get over me but she couldn't. So then after that phonecall I think we started talking on a daily basis every night..
After a while she started to tell me stuff like how she regrets going back to her EX, how shes starting to notice that he doesn't treat her how she should be treated, how he barely pays attention to her, how he doesnt goto the EXTREME I went for her, never gives her flowers, notes, ANYTHING TO SHOW HIS LOVE FOR HER... I dont know when she really fell in love with me.. But throughout this time we talked I dedicated many songs to her, I always sent her e-mails, everyday I gave her a love letter.. Then I decided to goto B but 2 days before I left we hung out and she was hugging me, crying, kissing me. 2 days after I left she BLEW UP MY PHONE IN B with phonecalls and left some messages. I was completely confused..
Whatever, we spoke a couple of times when I was in B and she started telling me a whole bunch of confusing stuff like to give her time because she really wants to be with me but she doesnt know and also she told me "I LOVE YOU" for the first time. I come back from B and we see eachother and everythings cool she tells me "dont leave me" your the person I would marry and have kids with, I dont see myself doing that with this guy. The next day we go out to a club. The next day I have 1 dozen flowers delivered to her house with a note and a little balloon saying I LOVE YOU . Oh throughout these 3 days I forgot to mention we were kissing and hugging alot..
Now I dont know what to do in this situation.. It seems like she knows she loves me and loves this guy but is confused because she knows this guy is not the right one for her and she started to notice how he treats her and doesnt pay much attention to her.. The thing is that she was the one that called him up to get back. She tells me that her EX says that everything is going to change that he will be completely different. Then she remembers how I was to her. The sweet guy who went to the moon and back for her. What do I do? She makes it seem like she is coming back to me but is scared to let go of her 4 year relationship. I've lived everyday since we broke up hoping for the day she comes to me and we get back together! WHAT DO I DO?? I think that she is hoping this guy is really going to change but doesnt understand that he is still the same but a little bit better than before (hasnt hit her yet , hasnt cheated on her yet, dont think he's disrespected her yet, but still doesn't pay much attention to her - she thinks oh thats just his way of loving me). It seems like he raised her since she was 14 and showed her something completely different than love and she grew thinking that was love. Then I come around and show her Love and she doesnt see it. What should I do in this situation should I just let her see the future for herself or do I try to get her back? PLEASE help ASAP!
It's really really odd that she ran away from you deliberately to him. Are you positive she wasn't talking to him too the entire time she was away? If she was only talking to you and only being with you then for her to just decide in a single day to abandon you and go back to the ex is really bizarre. It sounds more like she was sort of playing both of you, waiting to see who to go with - she came back and spent time with you, then ran off and spent time with him and opted for him for whatever reason.
People who are abusive definitely tend to stay abusive and controlling. It's very likely he won't change at all. He won't be able to hold up an act for very long. She needs to have high standards and keep them. She needs to be very sure here that when he begins to disrespect her that it's time to leave. She's not his mommy. She can't change him. She's given him his second chance. If he can't hack it, then she needs to leave him and find someone (i.e. you) that can be there for her. Only she can take care of her and her kids - nobody else is going to "save her" for her. She needs to be strong enough to make this decision for herself.
-- from Lisa
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com
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