We Want Things to Work

Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Male
My ex-girlfriend and I once had a wonderful, heated relationship.We didnt become friends initially, we were both so attracted to each other we began having sex after only dating for a month, something neither of us would never have done normally. We dated for almost a year but sadly her behaviour turned to that of incredible jealously and she used tactics to manipulate me into responding to her wants. She tried using the "lets take a break" hoping I would respond how she wanted but I agreed and she freaked out. She freaked out so badly she scared me!

She ended up flunking most her classes that quarter of school and going home for the summer. We didn't talk much and I dated other poeple while she obsessed about me. The new school year began 4 months after our breakup and once I saw her again I began to have feelings like i wanted her back. We began talking about getting together again, but she went off and got drunk and ended up starting to have sex with some guy she knew for a few hours, which she claims she was too drunk to make a rational decision. This caused me enormous pain and we didn't talk for about two months.

One day she came over and we began talking and she said she wanted to have sex one last time and we ended up doing just that. After that, each time she came over we would have sex then have discussions about relationships but it always ended in arguing over what our problems were. One night I had a weird feeling she wasnt safe and ended up going to a party where i found her almost dead from alcohol poisening. I picked her up much to the protest of all the other losers at the party and rushed her to ER. She could've died but she made it out ok.

After that for some reason we both had this new view of value for each other. An incredible realization of what we had. Unfortunately, all her excesive drinking that quarter caused her grades to slip too low and she had to leave school and move 1200 miles aaway from me.

Starting last January we began a long distance relationship which began to drive her nuts. We saw each other once a month, but she would get insanely jealous and even emailed a girl she heard had been hanging around me and told her to back off! In march we met up in PS and even had some wonderful sex. Then in april, unexpectedly she began acting foul towards me while we had been acting very lovey dovey with no great problems. She said we couldn't call ourselves a couple anymore and that it didnt make sense so far away. she wouldn't take my calls, started talking about other guys and was cold. I planned a visit down to see her because i wanted to check out the school she was attending because i wanted to initially go there anyway( NOT just because she goes there, im too smart for that)We had a nice time intermixed with jealous moments because i read some text messages on her phone from other guys that liked her. She said i invaded her privacy and i apologized. We kissed many times and she cried and said she loved me and i made her so happy. When i got back to my hometown she called me one night in an urgent mood to tell me she loved me dearly and wanted only me, turning down other guys because of me. I told her i felt the same way, while in the back of my mind realizing that she could possibly change her mind because my agreeing might scare her into a realizing of the weight of her words.

Later that month she almost retracted what she stated and said we couldnt call ourselves a couple and that she would possibly see other poeple, and mentioned there was a guy she was interested in. Over this past summer we saw each other once, but talked plenty. Soemtimes my jealous questioning and comments pissed her off and she said i smothered her. Other times she would tell me she loved me and wanted me.

Recently i went to see her to finalize the location i would be moving to. I at one point asked her a direct question, that being if she had kissed the guy she was so interested in for a few months. She said yes and then stated that he annoyed her and never wanted to have a relationship with him EVER. She has also been hanging out with a guy who is not very moral, lives scummy but has beena friend since high school. She is a very caring nurturing girl and is trying to elevate his lifestyle by bringing him to bible studies. Well, she told me while i was down that she had ended up kissing him and thats it and wouldn't ever have a relationship with him because he has a kid! She said she would never date someone with a child and that they were just very close caring special friends and will always remain so.

I asked her why she would even kiss him if its going no where and she said she guess it was because she missed that physical aspect of a relationship, since she has been out of one since our breakup. she also told me I was the last guy she had sex with and it will stay that way until she gets married, but i dont know if i believe her.

What we fight over:
She says im paraoid, jealous, and want to change her. She says i ask too many questions and just dont go with the flow. she says i can be overpowering by my questioning and that she feels she cant be herself for fear that i may judge her harshly. I havent done anything to make her feel like i want her to change, in fact, i have accepted her through all of the turmoil she has caused me. I DO invade her space and privacy even by reading her emails and such in the past to see who she likes ( which i have stopped). She wrote me the day i got back and said " anyhow, ...i'm glad you came out here this wknd. And i hope we settled a lot of things for this year. I dont want us to fight and get annoyed of each other..just keep one thing in mind, that i do need my space. I'll help you make friends and try to keep you from being lonely, but also know that i need to take care of me also.:) i hope your flight was alright and you didnt get too many butterflies in your stomach. btw, NO MORE KISSING! i cant kiss you..i need to seperate my emotions from my physicality with you. understand rubberband? thanks for washing my car and for being sexy...b/c you really are. i have to get back to work..they are crazy about this kind of stuff here..but i just wanted to write you and tell you that i love you and am looking forward to this coming year. "

Why the no kissing? We kissed many times while i was there, even after she said she didnt want to kiss for the time being. From now on i will respect this wish but i cant help but wonder why? Do you see anything i can extract from this email that is meanignful? I know she has a deep love for me as she told me i am theonly boy she has ever loved truly. We have been on and off for close to three years and we are actually going to be going into some relationship counseling when i go down to school in a few weeks. We have loved each other so long and it has continued for close to these three years. I feel like this new school year, close to each other after an 8 month seperation will bring a new chance to start a relationship, i view it as a make it or break it. What can i do to ensure success!? Oh yeah, during my stay she questioned whether i was the one she should marry and said that she didnt think i was right now, but that that thought could change?
What can i do to "get" this girl back.
How should i restrain my impulses to ask questions, and make her feel like she doesnt have space.
How should i behave with her? We are prob going to go on dates.
She said she wants to hang out with other guys and doesnt want me getting jealous or she'll be angry, how can i stop this jealousy at the root.
How can i simplify this relationship so it doesnt seem so complex to her.
What special things can i do to build a strong friendship?

Thankyou in advance I anticipate your wisdom, and please dont say cut it off, we've both been told that and its something we arent ready for. Peace.

RomanceClass.com Advice
It's really odd that she doesn't want you to ask questions. Relationships are all about complete, total honesty, talking to each other constantly. Questions and answers and discussions are all a part of that. It really sounds like she wants to be free and clear of any responsibility. She wants to do what she wants to do, nobody knowing what she is doing, nobody able to ask her about it. She wants to kiss who she wants to and not kiss you. It all seems very one sided.

I think the relationship discussions will be very helpful. Being close to each other will really help - but she needs to learn something about honesty and communication if this is going to work. So far it seems that she cheats when she wants to cheat, abandons when she wants to abandon, and just expects you to be there when she gets bored.

-- from Lisa
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com

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