He's Having Issues about his Past Breakup
Visitor's Question from a 31-40 year old Female
I was dating someone who had been divorced a few years back for six months who made me really happy. we had a great friendship and seemed to really love each other. after a few blissful months, I noticed he was started to pull away, spending more time with friends and less with me. yet the time we did spend seemed heavenly. When I confronted him on it, he told me he was very scared, the relationship was getting really serious, he was crazy about me--but so scared of making amother "mistake." he said the only time he had ever loved someone else, it turned out to be a big mistake--painful etc. because he left her there was a lot of guilt involved. when I told him I could not deal with his sudden change of behavior, he told me that is the best he could do and that if I could "handle" it, great. I am in my mid thirties now and although I cannot say this was the guy I wanted to marry, I can say that he was someone I wanted a real relationship with with no limitations. No matter how much we talked about it, we kept hitting a stone wall. Anytime I get emotional, I can see the guilt written all over his face. And when I pull away and take active steps to move on--he is frantic/obsessive in his calls.
It has been 6 months since we broke up and we still talk. We have seen each other a few times. He always tells me how much he misses me and how much he loves me--and that he needs time to sort himself out and not be so scared to take a risk. I hate the feeling of "waiting" for something to change--but cant seem to get involved with anyone else because I am still in love with him.
the little nagging voice in my head says I should have maybe waited it out to see whether our relationship was on more solid footing before talking about the "heavy" stuff--but everyone always says it is better to know sooner than later where you stand with someone.
I would really go to counselling with him if you want it to work. Yes you have to accept someone the way they are - but it sounds like HE wants to get through this and just can't on his own. So if together you talk with someone, it should help out a lot. If you can just get his worries resolved, you can move on with your relationship. But if he's going to keep obsessing about past mistakes and apply them to your current situation, it's a no-win situation.
-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com
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