Still Attracted to my Ex; he's dating someone else

Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
Okay, ya see, there is this guy that I dated when i was young and naive. We became friends for a year before we dated and that last for 3 yrs off and on because I didnt realize at the time that he was what I wanted. I've been through quite a few guys since him, and honestly, i was the most happy with him.

He asked me after we broke up if i would "hypothetically" marry him. I told him i cant answer that question unless he was serious. I had to go on to college and we talked and visited on breaks. We remained friends after the last break up. When we were together, we were in love and he knew that but i didnt realize until he and i broke up.

Currently, he has been with this younger girl for 11 months but he is always complaining about her and talking about all the great times he and I have shared. When we hang out, he is affectionate with hugs and kisses on the cheek. He on the other hand is saying he hopes his girlfriend grows out of being dependent and she agrees with everything he says. She revolves her life around him and I know now from experience that its not going to turn out very good. He is gonna keep on hoping with no core results.

I still love him after 5 yrs of friendship-love-friendship/love. Even when I was with my ex of 7 months, i constantly thought about him. I feel something between us whenever we talk, see eachother, look in his eyes, etc.

It's driving me crazy and now his girlfriend is trying to be nice to me via internet. She said she knows about all his ex girls except for me. What does that mean. Should i just forget it and remain friends or tell him how i feel? Im scared and confused on what is the best thing to do....Please help me asap... Advice
On one hand, you guys did break up at the time. People don't break up over nothing. Something was wrong, and it might be that you have put it out of your mind over the years and lessened it. But it existed strongly enough to cause you to break up. People do not break up when they are blissfully happy.

Still, let's say that you both have grown and learned and matured and are now stronger people, and that the factors that contributed to your breakup before don't exist now. Unfortunately, what does exist now is his girlfriend. You most definitely don't want to "get him to break up" nor to "cheat" with him. In either case he would then link you in his mind with cheating and betrayal. If you guys then got together, any time you hit a snag his brain would go right into thinking, "I could have been with my great OTHER girlfriend if only THIS jerk hadn't messed everything up." You do NOT want that whole train of thought anywhere near your relationship.

So back to the issue. Either he is happy with his girlfriend or he is not. There's a saying "Piss or get off the pot". You can't just meander along in life hoping that things will eventually work out the way you want. You either actively help make them work, or you admit they won't work and find another solution. Yes, it involves a bit of pain to break off a bad relationship - but if this isn't a healthy relationship, isn't it better than it break off after only 11 months instead of after 3 years? Maybe his girlfriend would be FAR better with a guy that forced her to think for herself. Instead she's "saddled" with a guy that encourages or at least perpetuates her issues, so she is stagnating. She might be much, much better off if he let her be free to find a better match for her personality.

If he really says he is very happy with her, then fine, you can be his great friend and talk with her two, and find your own boyfriend and go out to movies on double dates. But it comes down to if he's really happy or if he's not. If he's really happy, be happy for him. If he's not, he needs to take some action.

-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at

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