Break-up Confusion ???

Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female

I was wondering if anyone would be kind enough to share some thoughts or advice on my current situation...

My boyfriend and I have been together for about a year and decided to break-up recently. He initiated the break-up although if I'm honest it was only a matter of time before I would have brought it up. We both agree that it wasn't bad but also that it wasn't great for quite some time.

We had certain problems that we weren't dealing with such as communication issues (being a big reason for me). And we had developed a bad habit of taking each other for granted.

He added to this also said that he didn't think we had enough in common and that he didn't he think we were soul mates or that it was true love.

In a later conversation, we were opening up about our issues and he brought up that he had never really got over a previous relationship with a girl who had very similar past and life as him. He said that he hasn't been able to truly be in love since that person hurt him so by breaking-up with him. He really believed they were meant to be together but she disagreed and had many grievances with their relationship.He realized that they both wanted different things in life but hasn't been able to move on or be open to being in love again despite countless relationships afterwards.

He had never discussed this with me while we were together, and I believe that would have made a big difference in our interaction. I often felt as if he was hiding something but I was afraid to speak up on the issue. We discussed this a bit more, but he thinks it's too late and that we are both better off as friends.

For the moment, I agree with this and am enjoying getting to know him again through our new conversations as it has been really eye-opening.

There is one point of confusion in this for me and that is even though we are no longer together he still wants to be affectionate with me (such as holding each other, kissing my back and arms). I brought up that this may mix-up emotions but he said he doesn't think it does. Still, I am a bit perplexed with his need to be that physically close especially since we seem to be meeting as often, if not more often then we did while we were together and as he is eager to keep doing so.

Our relationship was never typical. We didn't have a clear beginning and it seems like the ending is like that as well. I still love him very much. And I must admit, I wouldn't dismiss trying again sometime in the future but we both need to work on ourselves before that happens.

I guess I am looking for some perspective on the situation.

Thanks. Advice
You still love him and he wants to meet and be affectionate.

This seems like a good foundation to rebuild your relationship. But, don't push him too much since his feelings for you seem to be weaker than yours for him. Keep things on an even keel while you each work on yourselves.

This would be a good opportunity to work on communication which you said was lacking before. Perhaps you were also including compassion (the sharing of feelings). Both of these help build a stronger relationship.

I agree that there may be a prospect for success in your future.

Good luck! George

-- from George
One of Your Friendly Advisors at

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