Still loves her first love

Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Male
I am only my gf's second lover. She was with her first when she went to university overseas. They had class together, that's how they met. She came home during the semester break, but there was a problem with her visa so she couldn't go back to uni overseas and consequently she and her old lover had to part ways. They were both devastated ofcourse because they've only been going out for 5 months and were still very much in love and he was the one she lost her virginity to. Then a month later she met me here in her home country and we've been together for over 2 years and been living together for a year and I've been having thoughts about marriage. Recently she went on a trip to the same oversea country for a work related matter, she stayed for a week. And she did thngs that she didnt tell me about but I found out some suspiscious clues which made me confront her about it and at least she told me all about it. This is what she told me happened when she was overseas: She had contacted her old lover before she went on the trip to tell him of her trip. When she got there they had dinner together to catch up and to talk about their relationship because she wanted closure, or so she says. On about her second day there he confessed to her that he is still very much in love with her and how much it hurts him that she's with another guy (me) and he wants her back and he was willing to move here to her country to make it work, but she declined the offer. He has know about me since I started going out with her. She tells me that she was flattered by the fact that he still loves her this much, and admitted she still cared for him but only as a friend. He took her out on a few more dates. He also called her every day while she was there, sometimes more than once in a day, asking her how her day was and making small talk which sounds to me like something a boyfriend would do. And the bad thing is that she lets him do all this and went along with it because she says she doesnt want to hurt him. Then I was really persistant and refused to believe she only "cared for him like a friend" and she eventually admitted that she still loves him and would take him back in a heartbeat if she wasn't with me but she wants to be with me more than him. She also admitted that when she was there and he was calling her everyday, she had said "I love you" to him on several occasions. That really crushed me, that she can say "I love you" to another man while she's with me. In her defence, I just want to say that she is also really upset and sorry for lying to me and hurting me and she has now come clean and I believe her when she told me that nothing happened other than what she has told me because I dont think she is the cheating type. Her old lover has also asked her to let him know anytime she canges her mind and wants to be with him instead.

She has lied to me and betrayed me. I dont think I have completely forgiven her yet but I feel better knowing that she came clean and admitted all this to me, although I sorta had to interrogate her. Now we get on with life as happily as if it didnt happen but sometimes little things like something on TV reminds me about this, about her lying to me and saying "I love you" to another man and I get this crushed feeling inside and just feels really down. And now she still keeps in touch with him through email. I know how they feel about each other and it makes me feel not so happy. She says she just want to be friends with im. But they were never friends to begin with, they were lovers and kinda still are. I've asked her to stop contact with him but she has refused to do it, she said because "we are just gonna be friends now and he will be really hurt if I cut him off like that and he doesn't deserve it". I asked her "you care alot about his feelings but what about my feelings?" and she just says that she is really sorry and doesnt mean to hurt me. I guess I want her to go out of her way to make amends and show me how sorry she is but she has done nothing but say "I'm really sorry". And now we've just put it all at the back of my head and carried on with life hoping I'll eventually forget or maybe she'll make it up to me and help me forget/forgive. I love her and I know she loves me but I still feel hurt and betrayed and I'm afraid because what if my love for her eventually get snuffed out because of this instead of this thing fading away. I dont know what to do. Can you give me some advise please? Advice
You are just going to have to forgive and forget.

She is a human being and has feelings and makes mistakes. As long as you believe she loves you and you love her there is nothing to worry about. If, however, you make a big deal of it (which you haven't so far) then your relationship could decline.

She sounds like a fine woman and you should be happy to have her as your own. It's your choice whether you allow this to become a problem. If you really love her, everything will be ok.

Good luck! George

-- from George
One of Your Friendly Advisors at

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