Complex & Tired... Part of me wants to stay, part of me wants to leave

Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
I saw all the questions that you and the team had help with all the confuse souls just like me. I hope you too can help me.

Lately I had break up with A. I met A since at the age of 13 yrs old, we were classmates then. We were loggerheads and I do like him then but always had denied. Eventually cupid arrows came and fate played it's part,we started our courtship at the age of 15 yrs old. However due to the serious objection from his parents, I decided to backout after a year.(My parents doesn't know I was dating then). In additional, we broke up and make up on and off during the one year of relaitonship.

I graduated from school and A has to repeat his studies. We remained as friends and still remain in contact. He hinted if there were chances of us getting back again after a year. I said let fate decide, if one day we will meet along the streets, that will be the day. After 3 months, we bumped into each other. I called him that evening and eventually got to know he was with someone new. I was upset but I accepted it.

A couple of months later, He broke up with the girl. We went on for a few dates and we got back together again (17 yrs old).Both of our parents, gave consenses to the relationship.

Three years later, I was expecting his child, he could not decide, I went for the abortion. With consulting our parents, I aborted the child. Despite in sadness and guilt, I still have to stay strong for he is depressed for the loss of our child. 5months later, we broke up, I got to know eventually (3 months later) that it is due to third party existence. He had fell for someone new.

I took me a long while and a lot of effort to get over him and getting over the guilt of aborting my child. One year after the break up (21yrs old), A contacted me. We went out a couple of times, he asked if we could get back, I denied him. Eventually he asked why can't I give chance to him for our baby. (He knew that was my weakness). He tried very hard to win my heart back. At the same moment, a new guy in my life asked for my hand in marriage. I struggled and weight all consequences, I went back to him. We

Sadly, we parted 3 months back. It was a big matter. He asked for my hand the year before last (Dec 2005), only my grandma gave consent, my parents did't and only replied to him that, "See how it goes." My parents know I was deeply hurt by him and I had gave in a lot along all these years. Loving him and performing duties more than a girlfriend, just a wife of his. Being by him, taking care of finances and caring for his family.

Last year, I left home for further education in oversea. Before I left for Studies, our engagement was confirmed. A was away from me for a year before I went for further studies (He was outstationed oversea due to his training and work contract). He came to visit me and accompany when I was oversea, I was too stressed with studies and could not spend time with him. Eventually his holiday were over and he returned home.

A month before my vacation, before I returned home, he was acting funny (He was hiding from me, not answering my calls and so on. ) During my examination, he said our relationship is going down hill. Three days before I returned home, he asked for break up. When I returned home, I told him to tell his parents and mine. He scolded me why can't I just let this matter lie low and not involve our parents? However, my parents got to know, they also got to know I aborted his child three years ago.

My dad asked me to think twice, why can't i give him a chance? I said I am lost, i don't know what was he thinking. I told my parents when I told him I am pregnant now, he also can't be bothered and said just aborted it, it is not the first time you did.(in the fact I am not, I even went ahead with this lie to his parents) In front of everyone, he is still the old him. When he is with me, he pushed me away and gave me disgusting remarks. Eventually the engagement was called off by my parents.

3 months from the matter, I informed him via mails that I am leaving home and may not return anymore. He said just take care and his contents were still as angry, I asked him why.. is he in anger and why he refuse to apologize. He said he is not in faults and I am the one.

He said he is upset that I still do not understand. He was upsetted that i made things irreversible and shared this matter with all our friends especially my close male friends. (He has always know them but when things broke out, He blamed I was unfaithful). I told him made things irreversible as I do not want to be seen as being made used of and he cannot return as easily as like in the past to hurt me. We had an engagment, he denied and said my parents assumed. I was shattered..(I still lied to him I am going to bring the child up single-handed).

Lately, He apologized via massaging me on my mobile. He said he still miss me but not the current me. He said I am unattractive and making him uncomfortable. His words made me so sad and I cried. I thought I had moved on... but I misses him so much. He said he is not with someone new but to me I felt maybe he had not mamaged to get that girl's heart.

8 yeears of relationship, a called off engagement and a lost child, how can I let it go? Why am I so silly to hold to something that will hurt me?

PArt of me want to stay on to love him, part of me want him back, part of me wants to leave him forever, part of me is asking why all these now... I am so sad and confused. I am lost, I still love him deeply and I had always honoured him as my husband but he said I had not respected him as I had my ring returned back to him via a male friend (he hate this guy).

My mind knows rationally that to let go I will lose him and so on, my mind decided to let go for I know I am silly to hold on. but my heart still love him so, so much that at times I wonder who am I. I miss him so much and I love him so... I wish he comes back but how after all these events? How to and will he? Am I still to hold on?

I tried dating new guys but my mind is just filled with him and our dreams and aims. It is so painful to miss him, so painful that I wish I don't exist to feel the pain. I still massage and update him via mobile despite I am oversea.

I am so tired with thinking rationally and being realistic not to love him, not to hold on to hope, but my heart is thinking other wise.

He last massage to me was please take good care of yourself. If you think I am not thinking of you, let it be. What does all these means? What does he wants?

I wish team of RomanceClass can help me. Thank you. Advice
My advice is to tell him the whole truth about the facts and your feelings.

Apologize for whatever you have done and forgive him for what he has done.

Then offer to do whatever is necessary to bring him back into your life. This will be hard for you to do and painful too. But, it may work out well and then you won't have to live under the nearly unbearable pain you have now.

I sense that pride and anger has been part of the problem between the two of you and you both should work to eliminate those feelings which only stand in the way of your happiness.

If you do these things you will be able to feel you did everything you could do so that if things do not turn out well you can say "At least I tried."

I know we are of different cultures and I am sorry if I misunderstood what you said or if my advice appears of little use to you.

Good luck! George

-- from George
One of Your Friendly Advisors at

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