Problem with my relationship with a former lesbian.

Visitor's Question from a 31-40 year old Male
I am a separated male, married twice, father of 2 with full custody.
She is a single female, never married, mother of 3 with joint custody.

My girlfriend (I’ll refer to her as Ann) and I have known each other most of our lives, on and off. We were even “boyfriend and girlfriend” at one point in elementary school. Though after our time in elementary school, she moved out of state for many years.

During this time, she moved in with her best friend who was a lesbian. Over time, the lesbian (who is very “Butch” – I’ll refer to her as this) convinced Ann (who is very femme) into a sexual relationship. They both moved back to my home state, a couple of years ago, to the next town over from mine.

Well, these past few years certain coincidences kept happening and Ann and I kept running into each other. Finally, in June of this year, Ann answered an old online personals ad of mine. We hit it off instantly. We talked every chance we got. She visited me every chance she got. She informed me that she was trying to get out of a lesbian relationship and was currently living with a dyke who was in love with her,
But the lesbian was psycho. Things at home were horrible for her. She told me that she “tried that” and realized that she didn’t enjoy living with a woman. She knew what she liked and didn’t like, and she would rather be with a man. Little did I know that things were much worse than what she was telling me.

Anyway, both of us were afraid to fall in love, due to being hurt so much in previous relationships. But love can’t be stopped like that. Over the next few months, we fell in love with one another. Both of us believed that we were indeed soul mates. Personally, I had never in my 32 years felt so strongly about someone, other than the love I had for my children. No one compared to her, in my eyes. She was beautiful in every way.

But there was one big problem. “Butch” was VERY controlling of my Ann. She would also beat on my girlfriend every chance she got… not just catfights, but full-fledged fist fights I wanted to do something about it, but my girlfriend asked me not to interfere because she believed it would make matters worse. My girlfriend was indeed scared for her life. And when “Butch” found out about me (something my girlfriend was trying to hide until she could financially get out), things got even worse with the beatings. I told Ann that maybe we needed to stop seeing each other for a while to let things cool down and for her to get out, but refused saying that she didn’t want to do that (neither did I really, but if that’s what it took for her and I to be together and her to be safe, that’s what I was willing to do). Another 2 months passed with Ann and I continuing our normal ways (talking multiple times per day, seeing each other, etc.).

Then, 3 weeks ago, “Butch” finally found my number on Ann’s cell phone and called me. I had told Ann that I wasn’t going to lie to “Butch” if she ever did find out my number (I guess it was an ego trip, but I wasn’t afraid of her the way Ann was). Anyway, I admitted that Ann and I were seeing each other. “Butch” was surprisingly nice over the phone until the end of the conversation when she’d suddenly switch to Man-Mode and threaten my life. Later that day, Butch started riding by my house (she found out my address somehow) and even rode by while my kids were getting off the school bus, which bothered me.

Ann called me the following day and said, “We need to stop seeing each other until I can get away from her for good”. I reluctantly agreed, thinking we’d still keep in touch (after all, it was all we could do to hang up the phone each time we spoke and nearly impossible to go a full day without hearing the others voice).

Now, 3 weeks later, I have spoken to Ann maybe 3 times. She’s been avoiding all of my calls. And when we do get a chance to speak, she is very short. It’s like pulling teeth for her to say, “I miss you”, let alone more than 5 sentences. Pathetic, I am, but I need the reassurance. I’ve contacted her sister, who seems to brush me off, yet shows sympathy at times. I wonder if I was being misled.

And now, it’s my birthday today, and I really wish Ann were around. Depression is all I have felt these last few weeks. I haven’t worked, I’ve barely eaten anything in that time, and I have secluded myself to wait by the phone on her last promise of “I’ll call you this week”.

I wish I could do something to help her, and for us to be together. I offered to have them move in with me, but she refused due in part to my house being the same house my ex-wife lived in (also very little room for all seven of us).

I just need some general advice on this. Her being a former lesbian, I’m not sure the mentality behind all this. What is going on, do you think? Should I intervene? Please know that I wasn’t really looking for anyone when Ann and I started talking. I do not wish to “move on” because I do have a bit of hope for her and I – plus I’m not really interested in “looking” for someone else.

I miss my beautiful Ann. Please help.
Thank you for your time. Advice
Start looking for a place that will hold seven people comfortably.

Let Ann know you are doing it and that you consider her the best thing that ever happened to you. Don't let Butch's violent nature come between you. Encourage Ann to call the police when Butch attacks her. And if Butch ever cruises by your children again call the police. You need to establish a background for the police and also let Ann know you are looking out for her and your children.

This violence also affects Ann's children and should be monitored closely. You don't want to push this too hard because the kids could be taken by the Youth Protection Services if they find out. But you could mention it to

Try to find out from Ann exactly where she stands on all of this. She seems to be flaking out on you recently.

Good luck! George

-- from George
One of Your Friendly Advisors at

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