getting over a relationship that is REALLY over

Visitor's Question from a 16-20 year old Female
I broke up with my first love in 2003 after 15 months of dating. I was 16 at the time. He was my first "everything." I really hurt him when I ended things, and he refused to let me go. He constantly called me and showed up where I was for the next year. We talked about getting back together, but I just couldn't commit. I was so young and wanted to date around. Finally one night I told him off. I gave him back the engagement ring he'd given me and said I never wanted to talk to him again. So eventually the phone calls started dwindling down and I caught word he was dating someone else. It hurt me, but I didn't interfere. He said it wasn't a serious relationship and they weren't having sex. But one day, he called me and asked me to come see him. I did, and we ended up having sex. Well, that same night, I found out he had sex with his current girlfriend as well. I was so angry and hurt, I called her and told her the entire story. She believed me, but when she confronted him that night, he denied it. He gave her MY old engagement ring he'd been carrying around and said, "Why would I cheat on you? I was going to ask you to marry me tonight." Well she believed him and accepted his proposal. He didn't call me anymore for about 3 months. When he finally did call, he said proposing to her was a big mistake. He said he still loved me and missed me like crazy. By this time I was already in another relationship (and still am). My ex begged me to come see him, but I refused. I wasn't about to cheat on my boyfriend. He kept calling me for the next few months, asking me to come see him. It was hard, but I never gave in. I didn't think he'd really get married, but he did, in May of 2005. Nine months later he had a baby girl. He called me after his new wife got pregnant and told me he was scared to death of having a baby. He said his wife was a b***h, he hated her, and wished he'd never gotten married. He asked me to come see him. He said he still loved me and missed me. I still loved him too, but I couldn't cheat on my boyfriend, and I certainly couldn't be the "other woman" now that he was married. He refused to stop calling me, so I changed my number. He got it again, so I changed it again. And since then (about 8 months), he hasn't called me. But since he got married and all the way up until today, I can't get him out of my head. We were so young and inexperienced back then, but what hurts the most is knowing that if we were still together today, I think we'd be fine. I think we've grown and matured enough. But I know even if he were to get a divorce, I couldn't go back to him. Too much has happened for us to just pick up where we left off. But that doesn't stop the way I feel about him. I do love my current boyfriend. We plan on getting married, but I don't feel the same with him as I did with my ex. I constantly think about my ex everyday and remember fondly all the times we had together. I play old songs that remind me of him, I look for him on the roads when I'm driving, and I always ask his family how he's doing. I catch word that he's really unhappy with his wife. I really miss him. I want to get over him though. I NEED to get over him because it's really over this time. After all, it's been almost 4 years....what do I do? Advice
Perhaps one reason you are still stuck on him is because of the way he feels about you.

After all, if he hadn't been calling and if his marriage was good, your feelings for him would probably not be as strong. You may have a subconscious desire to save him from his unhappiness.

Most of us have a very, very strong attachment over our first real love. Memories and body memory make that happen. There is also the aspect of "forbidden fruit." You love your b/f but there is adventure in your ex.

My advice is to find a professional counsellor who can help you with your troubles. You need help that cannot be provided over the internet.

Good luck! George

-- from George
One of Your Friendly Advisors at

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leave him alone

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